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Original poster

Grandparents.... Argh!

29 replies

MrsTrue · 10/07/2023 12:16

In need of some advice please...

Our DD is now 13 months and since she was about 4 months old has been spending time with my in laws, it was horrendous initially and has slowly got better, but it's still not where we need to be. I want to stop my daughter going there for childcare and to see them in evenings/weekends instead.

I need some help in checking we're doing the right thing as it's not a decision we can take lightly!

Here's some of the background...

We repeatedly said she doesn't cry herself to sleep, they insisted that's just what she does and wouldn't accept they needed to change what they were doing. We had to help her go to sleep in front of them multiple times to show them, before they eventually believed us.

We've asked for more updates when she's with them, we only get a text update if we ask. Last week I left it 7 hours to give them a chance. No update and a pathetic response when they responded. (Big breakfast, big lunch, big poo, big nap.... What does that even mean?!)

They repeatedly bring her home hungry, meaning I'm then up all night feeding her. We give advice on feeding her and they insist they don't need it, but in the same conversation they'll ask how much to feed her and what she's eating these days. Last week they gave her copious amounts of cow's milk I can only assume in lieu of real food as they struggle to feed her. It gave her a terrible tummy ache all night because she'd only had tiny amounts of it before (she's BF, had no cow's milk and very little formula until she was 12 months, because formula gave her a bad belly... This was the same day as the " big breakfast, big lunch " message).

They ignore our requests around her sleep schedule (or can't manage to get them right). On the Sunday when we saw them and I had said to them that she shouldn't nap at 4pm as it'd ruin her bedtime routine and sleep for the night, the very next day they gave her a nap at 4-4:30 and ruined the bedtime for us the next day and pushed out bedtime for a few days. They've given up suggesting sleep training now, but just can't see they are a big part of the sleep issue. (Which mostly disappears when they're not around and aren't looking after her).

Then there's the mess my MIL makes when she comes round, which is just annoying. And the fact she can't settle her or change nappies on her own and has on a couple of occasions had episodes where she gets really breathless and sometimes throws up (and refuses to go to the doctor about them), so I worry when our DD is with only her.

They only have her one day a week, when we're at work. They occasionally have her for a couple of hours here and there, but that's been maybe once a month. We've asked for more help and they don't offer any, they just ask what they can do. We suggest things (e.g. do bedtime so we can go out one evening, pick her up from nursery, invite us round for dinner), but they always find excuses on the days we ask and don't offer any other times.

There's no malice in what they're doing, I know they are trying their best and are also getting frustrated, but they won't talk openly with us. Our DD enjoys being around them and I want her to have a good relationship with her grandparents, but it's exhausting and stressful and I just don't think I can do it any more. I'm also suffering with my health at the moment and the stress of it all is causing my symptoms to get worse. It's also making our relationship with them very strained.

We can afford for her to go into nursery and there is some availability for her so we think that's the best option for everyone, but when I broached the subject with them they insisted they wanted to see how it goes and keep looking after her.

We've tried to speak to my SIL to get some advice, but she feels uncomfortable being put in the middle, so we dread to think what they're thinking and saying to others about the situation. We think we're justified in making the change, but just don't know what to do for the best and how to approach things next without ruining the relationship entirely.

What would you do?

OP posts:
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ThreadExterminator · 10/07/2023 12:37

I would say something like the health visitor impressed on you how important it is for toddlers to have social interaction with their peers and that you have decided to put her into nursery on those days. Or say that a friend told you a space has come up at the local fabulous nursery and you want to get your DC in now as places in the toddler room are like hen's teeth.

Just keep it short. There is absolutely no point going into the real reasons as it'll cause friction, so try and find a practical/objective reason that your DC will be going to nursery. Then follow it up with how lovely it is that they've formed such a bond and it'll be lovely for DC to still see lots of them, just not in a childcare scenario.

rookiemere · 10/07/2023 13:13

The text update requests seem quite controlling to me. Either you trust them to look after her, or you don't- clearly you don't. Also trying to get SIL involved is out of line, this is your issue to resolve.

Honestly I think it's wonderful that they want to look after her one day a week. But you're right if MIL isn't able to change nappies then maybe go down the route of it being too much for them.

Batbatbatty · 10/07/2023 14:45

You don't need to "broach the subject" of nursery with them. You just enrol her and tell them that that's what you've done. Reason - you want her to go to nursery. End of.
"Thanks for having her over the past months!"

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BlastedPimples · 10/07/2023 14:47

Nursery. Problem solved.

Newuser75 · 10/07/2023 15:43

Yes, put her in nursery!!

lucylooareyou · 10/07/2023 16:02

To be honest, you seem a nightmare.

So your PIL are kindly taking care of your child for you, and seem to have nothing but comments/insinuations that what they are doing is not good enough. It sounds to me that you have tried to control every aspect of them looking after your DC that they are anxious to do anything.

Why do you need regular text updates? Surely its a good thing they are actually focusing on looking after your child instead of texting you. If you are that concerned then give them a call half way through the day?

I am also not surprised they find excuses to not offer extra help when you are constantly belittling and trying to show them how to look after your child. (Which also makes me wonder if you dont like how they look after your child, whya re you asking them to do more?)

Children are not predictable, my DD has refused naps and put her whole sequence out many times under my watch - so i dont blame the lovely person who is very kindly looking after her.

For the sake of your poor PIL, put your child into nursery.

EL8888 · 10/07/2023 16:16

Your child = your rules. I wouldn’t get into any debates or justify anything, just enfold her and send her to nursery. In your shoes l would also be unhappy about the sleep and not feeding her properly

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 10/07/2023 16:17

Is she in nursery on other days @MrsTrue ?

its all a little contradictory- are they clear on what you want from them?

you don’t trust them but are disappointed they won’t do extra when asked?

they don’t tell you enough but you seem to know when they’ve given too much milk/too late a nap

at 13m I wouldn’t be feeding overnight- why not just give a decent supper before bed if you know she doesn’t eat well for them?

you’re unlikely to get regular updates from a nursery either.

it sounds like you’d rather they did ad hoc childcare for evenings out etc rather than the fixed day per week- if that’s the case just tell them that, don’t go down the route of it being because they aren’t doing a good enough job

GertrudeJekyllRose · 10/07/2023 16:20

lucylooareyou · 10/07/2023 16:02

To be honest, you seem a nightmare.

So your PIL are kindly taking care of your child for you, and seem to have nothing but comments/insinuations that what they are doing is not good enough. It sounds to me that you have tried to control every aspect of them looking after your DC that they are anxious to do anything.

Why do you need regular text updates? Surely its a good thing they are actually focusing on looking after your child instead of texting you. If you are that concerned then give them a call half way through the day?

I am also not surprised they find excuses to not offer extra help when you are constantly belittling and trying to show them how to look after your child. (Which also makes me wonder if you dont like how they look after your child, whya re you asking them to do more?)

Children are not predictable, my DD has refused naps and put her whole sequence out many times under my watch - so i dont blame the lovely person who is very kindly looking after her.

For the sake of your poor PIL, put your child into nursery.

I completely agree with this. ^

DaisyUpsy · 10/07/2023 16:28

I'm confused why you want them to have her more if you don't like how they look after her. It's fine to put her in nursery if they won't listen to your advice. I think expecting text updates is too much though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2023 16:29

DaisyUpsy · 10/07/2023 16:28

I'm confused why you want them to have her more if you don't like how they look after her. It's fine to put her in nursery if they won't listen to your advice. I think expecting text updates is too much though.

Agree with this.

passthegingordon · 10/07/2023 16:36

lucylooareyou · 10/07/2023 16:02

To be honest, you seem a nightmare.

So your PIL are kindly taking care of your child for you, and seem to have nothing but comments/insinuations that what they are doing is not good enough. It sounds to me that you have tried to control every aspect of them looking after your DC that they are anxious to do anything.

Why do you need regular text updates? Surely its a good thing they are actually focusing on looking after your child instead of texting you. If you are that concerned then give them a call half way through the day?

I am also not surprised they find excuses to not offer extra help when you are constantly belittling and trying to show them how to look after your child. (Which also makes me wonder if you dont like how they look after your child, whya re you asking them to do more?)

Children are not predictable, my DD has refused naps and put her whole sequence out many times under my watch - so i dont blame the lovely person who is very kindly looking after her.

For the sake of your poor PIL, put your child into nursery.

Agree with this. Actually feel really sorry for them having to deal with your prima donna behaviour OP.

QforCucumber · 10/07/2023 16:42

We've asked for more updates when she's with them, we only get a text update if we ask. Last week I left it 7 hours to give them a chance. No update and a pathetic response when they responded. (Big breakfast, big lunch, big poo, big nap.... What does that even mean?!) you're actually testing them to see how long a text takes? I think that's awful sorry. How about call on your break, call at lunchtime? They're looking after your child, if you want an update phone for one.

They repeatedly bring her home hungry, meaning I'm then up all night feeding her Send her with a packed lunch and all snacks in a bag.

They ignore our requests around her sleep schedule free childcare? Like it or pay I'm afraid.

there's the mess my MIL makes when she comes round, which is just annoying. And the fact she can't settle her or change nappies on her own and has on a couple of occasions had episodes where she gets really breathless and sometimes throws up Again, don't like it send her to nursery. If she can't change her nappy or settle her then HWY precisely are you using her for a full day of childcare?

Your relationship is strained because you're trying to manage something you have no control over, just let them look after her in their way, or don't. DS goes to MIL a few days a week in the holidays, she loads him up on sugar and doesn't really do much with him - but he loves her and loves going so we put up with it because there both happy with the arrangement. I've never tried to manage the 8 hours he is with her though.

Don't broach nursery, just say you've realised how much you're asking of them and it's not fair so you've decided it's easier on everyone if she goes into nursery that extra day too.

Muu · 10/07/2023 16:55

Go ahead and book nursery. It’ll solve the problem.

I think depending on family for childcare is asking a lot and really tests a relationship. It sounds like it’s a bit much for them really. They can still have a strong relationship with your child.

HasBean7 · 10/07/2023 16:59

Your child = your rules. You don't need to justify your reasons, make something up if you feel you have to, but your child is only young once and you don't want to look back on now and think you could've done something to make you/your child happier. If you can afford nursery, that sounds like a good option. We also have a 13 month old and nursery have always done things how we wanted, including cuddling to sleep and implementing any nap rules we have. It might be better for everyone if your PILs have less responsibility and get more "fun time" instead.

Original poster
MrsTrue · 10/07/2023 17:02

Thanks to everyone for the reassurance that we're doing the right thing, even those questioning our position are reinforcing it.

After coming back to a starving, exhausted child multiple times I absolutely don't trust them, and maybe that is making me more controlling. But TBH I think it's justified after you've seen your child in such a state. If we hadn't had radio silence initially and assumed she was fine, only to be met by a screaming child on our return (who'd been like that for a couple of hours apparently!) I probably also wouldn't feel the need for the updates and extra information about her day.

I feel much more comfortable with them having her for a few hours at a time, and hopefully an extra day in nursery will mean they're more willing to do that without her getting too hungry or tired as it's a shorter period of time. MIL is also less likely to be alone with her.

The nursery gives us fantastic updates about what she's eaten, how much, when she slept and pictures almost every day, and she loves it so we know she'll be happy there. The plan was always for her to go full time, but they insisted.

The challenge is how to manage the messaging as they really want to keep looking after her, but it's just not working. The suggestions here are great, thank you.

The point about focusing on the bond they've built and reinforcing the fact they'll see her at other times for more fun stuff is a good angle, and exactly what we want the outcome to be.

OP posts:
ThreadExterminator · 10/07/2023 21:10

I don't understand the idea that if GP are providing free childcare that disregard for the child's sleep and food needs is fine. It's weird. Whenever my DM has looked after DD she has done the best thing for DD which includes trying to stick to the nap routine and making sure she's fed. It's pretty basic to want to have these things in place for a young child whether it's your own DC or your DGC.

Alway1insomethingstat · 11/07/2023 03:38

OP, you’re a bigger person than I am.
Good on you for trying for so long

Id put DD in nursery and not let them have her (sorry) Clearly they don’t respect how you parent and how you want her to be brought up.
Updates are fine, don’t see the issue with it.
If you want them to spend time i’d do it supervised so you or partner can step in if her needs aren’t being met.

grandparents aren’t entitled to their GC. Esp if they cannot look after them with the respect for the parents wishes.

don’t feel bad. She’s your priority

RedRobin100 · 11/07/2023 03:47

I agree with this

OP you sound incredibly ungrateful. Why on earth would they want to offer to help you more when you clearly give them a hard time and don’t appreciate it?

they are not a nursery. If you want that service you pay for it.

and as if nursery will spend hours tryin to settle one kid to sleep or stick to a sleep routine.. they too will do their best, but can’t

NerrSnerr · 11/07/2023 03:52

If you genuinely think they're neglecting your child by not feeding her properly then why still send her?

You are being ridiculous about the updates, of course a nursery will have better updates, you're paying them for a service. Your in laws are not a nursery.

LindorDoubleChoc · 11/07/2023 04:30

How can this be true? How can you think they should be doing MORE to help you when you clearly think they are useless/neglectful? Why would you send your toddler to a place she doesn't get fed?

WandaWonder · 11/07/2023 04:36

Why on earth do you need updates?

Honeychickpea · 11/07/2023 04:49

We've asked for more help and they don't offer any
I'm not surprised.

whowhatwerewhy · 11/07/2023 06:20

Your not happy with your free child care so put her in nursery . Your not happy they don't follow your instructions and update you so don't insult them by asking for evening babysitting sitting instead.
Just visit them or let them visit and for any babysitting or childcare pay professionals.

HelloUtrecht · 11/07/2023 06:36

The first point alone, let her cry herself to sleep against your wishes, should be a dealbreaker in itself.