4yo says he doesn't want a mum and dad anymore

[Fouramclub]

today our 4 yo DS said he didn't want a mum and dad anymore because we are always shouting at him and it just broke my heart.

for context, we don't shout at him but we have been firmer with him a lot more recently and there are some days when I feel like I'm constantly telling him off. It doesn't help that DH and I are massively sleep deprived due to DD so are not as patient or as fun as we would like to be.

Examples of times when we've been firm - he threw a shoe at me today when he didn't get his own way over something. We were in the garden when it happened and I told him we don't throw things, especially not at each other and he had to go back inside because he can't throw things and expect to play as normal. Another example is was ripping a page in a book DH is fond of because he was frustrated with something (I don't know what). I took the book away from him and took him firmly that we don't rip books and daddy would be sad, how would he like it if we broke his toys etc.

We had a bday party for his younger sister and she was given a few gifts by the grandparents. The grandparents also very kindly got DS a gift so he wouldn't feel left out but DS kicked off because he wanted the gift DD got and his gift was "rubbish". I told him he if didn't want the lovely gift GPs got him, we would give it to someone who would want it. He didn't like that either.

I don't know where I'm going wrong. DH and I make sure we spend equal 1:1 time with both kids and are very affectionate with them. I've always found DS harder to parent we he rarely listens, has always been defiant and headstrong and is emotional in extreme ways. He still needs someone to brush his teeth/make him get into clothes etc where as my 2 yo insists on doing all this herself (with help of course).

I'm not a deadly strict parent by any means, there is a lot I let go of if he isn't putting others/himself in danger but i feel like there's a lot of toddler type behaviours he's just not growing out of. He gets frustrated a lot and throws stuff when he gets frustrated and doesn't seem to be anywhere near changing his behaviour even when we talk to him about it. He's a lovely boy, and very funny/affectionate but his temper really seems to get the better of him sometimes.

any advice?

At that age he needs help regulating his emotions, along with disciplining. Lashing out in frustration is developmentally normal - he needs guidance how to deal with it.
The thrown shoe for example - I’d have said “We don’t throw things at each other. If you do it again, I’ll be sending you back inside”.

I suspect you’ve fallen into the dynamic to expect much more of him since you got a younger child. He needs guidance and attention.

His behaviour sounds normal and your parenting sounds fine to me! Honestly kids just say stuff like that- my 6 year old often says she wants a new family! Forgotten 10 mins later…

That’s his tough luck then isn’t it? He has a mum and dad who are parenting him.

DD1 (4) told me today she didn't want me for a mummy (after I told her off about some minor misdemeanour!). She came back again 5 mins later saying sorry and giving me a cuddle. Kids just say stuff like that. They don't mean it or understand how hurtful it can be, so I wouldn't take it overly seriously.

Have you heard the expression "behaviour is the language of the child"? It's bloody hard to do in the moment, but when he complained about his present, it sounds like he was telling you that he was feeling unfairly treated by comparison to DD, despite it being her birthday - which is a very human emotion.

You told him he if didn't want the lovely gift GPs got him, we would give it to someone who would want it and he "didn't like that either" - of course not, if you were feeling disgruntled and someone responded with a threat, that's never going to resolve the situation for you.

If he's generally a good kid, what about saying "I'm sorry you feel like that about the present. I wonder if today feels rough for you because it's DD's birthday. Remember that your birthday is special for you too and grandma always gets you something great. Let's go and get you a snack." I know that sounds like warm and fuzzy parenting, but the situations where my child feels heard (even if the reality doesn't change) always go better than the ones where he feels got-at.

(I'm not holding myself out as a parenting guru here - but I have a very anxious ND child and de-escalation is one of the few tools we have that can really help him in situations like this.)

And in response to "I don't want a mum and dad", I'd have said "ah well, we want you! We love you to bits" and changed the subject.

I’d keep the telling off to a minimum (throwing shoe= no, we don’t throw things at people, the book = no we don’t damage other people things). That’s it. Very short, to the point. No lecture, explanations etc….

And lots of positive attention.
Praise him what he does, say thank you him, laugh, comment positively on what he dies etc….

The b’day present, I would just have acknowledged that wha5 he got isn’t as nice. But he’ll be able to have nicer presents when it’s his turn to have his b’day.
tbh it’s often hard fir young dcs to see their siblings receive something and they don’t. So I’d g9 down the route of plenty of reassurance and helping him regulate his emotions instead of punishing him (giving his gift away would have been 1- a punishment and 2- the sign he is worth even a crap gift. Not the message you want to give Imo)
fwiw I’m not sure that giving the non b’day child something is helping. Maybe reassess next year to see if it’s really worth doing (children react differently….)

He's just telling you a feeling, that he doesn't feel good enough at the moment. Keep the boundaries, keep the positive attention, and get him working towards some age appropriate or interest goals so he can feel like a big boy and get a sense of achievement.

Have you read "how to talk so little kids will listen"? We only just got it so I can't comment on how well it works, but lots of friends say it's awesome. It seems to address just these situations.

It's actually really good that he feels secure enough in his attachment to you that he can tell you that. He knows you love him.

DS (10) went through a stage of telling me he hated me when he was younger. I always replied with 'that's fine, I'll always love you'. He eventually grew out of it.

you sound like a lovely mum who is going through what we all go through - a DC who is playing up at the moment. Maybe because his sister has ousted him from sole centre position in the family.

I would organise for someone to have your DD for half a day and completely lovebomb him. Take him out, give him all his favourite things and don't mention DD once. Just to re-establish your bond with him as it's been weakened by her arrival.

I'd also make a bit of a fuss about things you and him can have and do that she can't, e.g. It's a hot day - shall you and me have an ice cream. DD can't have one because she's still a baby but we can. Shall you and me read a book together? DD won't understand it because she's too little, she'll just have to nap while we read a lovely story.

You can start to teach him emotional self regulation. Get him to help you set up a special cosy corner - a favourite armchair or bean bag or play tent with a few favourite cuddly toys, favourite picture books, cushions, a blanket, a drink etc. Whenever he gets really angry or upset, take him there, not as a naughty-step punishment, but just say, 'You seem very angry or upset right now. Snuggle up in your cosy corner until you feel ready to play nicely/apologise. When you know you are ready come and tell me in a nice voice. You don't have to hurry. Let yourself get really snuggly first.'

It helps them learn the art of self-soothing and self-care and anger management.

Thank you all for your words of support and advice. It's helped me put things into perspective and I'm a bit calmer this week with my parenting although still sticking to boundaries. A lady in a cafe told me I handled a situation well which was nice and I told her it wasn't always like this 🤣