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Original poster

Geographical Dilemma and Families

11 replies

EW671 · 09/07/2023 18:23

I’m looking for any families that might have had the same experience and may have some words of advice for me - apologies if this rambles!

DH and I live with our DS in a county that none of the rest of our extended family live in. It’s probably somewhat relevant to context to know that we’re expecting DD later this year.

DH’s parents are about 1.5 hours away and my parents about an hour away. So we get no help for childcare or babysitting etc but we knew that when we moved here (for DH’s work predominately) and accept that fully!

Were used to that situation but the complication arises that DS is becoming increasingly attached to his grandparents on both sides as he gets older and is getting more and more upset when visits end.

Both DH and I have acknowledged that we do feel isolated from family and left out (we both have one sibling respectively who both live close to parents). The issue is if we were to move close to one set, we isolate the other set even further than they already are so we feel trapped in a crap situation really!!

Realistically, it is more financially feasible (and suited to our countryside lifestyle) to move closer to my in-laws than my parents but my parents have no other grandkids and I know that us moving further away would be heartbreaking.

But I’m starting to feel helpless that our DS is suffering and we are isolated. But both DH and I are lifetime people pleasers and never want to do the wrong thing by anyone.

Has anyone been in the same boat that might have some words of wisdom for me?

My in laws have just left from a 4 day visit and DS is inconsolable so feeling very blue…

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TrueScrumptious · 09/07/2023 18:27

Do you want to move? Does it suit you for work and environment? I think both one hour away and 1.5 hours away are quite close. I don’t think you should change where you live because of your four-year-old. Both my DC’s grandparents are about five hours away.

ForensicFlossy · 09/07/2023 18:31

1 hour and 1.5 hours is really not far.

LadinLee · 09/07/2023 18:33

Is the hour and the hour and a half by car or by plane?
If its by car then that's no distance really, plenty of families have that.
My parents are just over an hour away and we see them every second Sunday, they either come to us or we go there. They will come and stay over to babysit too.
My in-laws were 5 hours away and we saw them about 5 times a year, usually for a week at a time.
My DC got to know the GPS very well, looked after in school holidays by them too.

With those distances id only move it really suits you in other ways.

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gogomoto · 09/07/2023 18:33

I've never been that close, I'd count that as pretty close. Nearest I've ever been to my parents since leaving home is now at 1.5 hours, I used to live on a different continent then half way across the country

mynameiscalypso · 09/07/2023 18:34

I don't think that those distances are far at all - we live the same from my parents and I laws and consider ourselves living very close to them. Maybe smaller visits but more frequent would be helpful? When my parents aren't on holiday, we see them on a weekly basis for shopping/lunch/trips to the theatre or whatever. My in laws we see less frequently but still see them at least once a month.

Original poster

EW671 · 09/07/2023 18:34

It’s a tough one really - a bit of a multi dimensional answer.

on the one hand yes we would like to be closer to family. We miss them when we’re not around them and it would be nice to have a bit more support etc - plus for DS to be closer to his cousins if we moved towards my in-laws.

but on the other hands we’ve been where we are (a lovely small town) for almost 10 years now and we have put down roots. We’ve made friends, gotten involved in the community and have picked out a lovely school for DS next year.

Work wise my profession can go anywhere - I’ll find a job anywhere. DH’s job is much more niche so it would depend on what he could find.

im hoping that this will all wear off in a few days I’m just feeling desperately sorry for DS at the moment. Perhaps he’ll be a bit more distracted once he has a sibling later in the year! At the moment he is the centre of attention!

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TrueScrumptious · 09/07/2023 18:41

Can the grandparents visit for less time but more frequently? That makes it more regular but less of an “event” for him.

NoLostCause · 09/07/2023 18:46

My Dad lives an hour away from us and we regularly go down for the day or he comes to us. He's never stayed over or even considered it. He's also come over for the afternoon to look after my DC. An hour seems pretty close to me? DH's parents are 3 hours away but we regularly meet in the middle for Sunday lunch (so each driving 1.5 hours each way). Are there any issues with travelling/driving for you/parents/in-laws that are making it more of an issue?

Original poster

EW671 · 09/07/2023 18:49

we do know that 1 and 1.5 hours isn’t exactly an odyssey of a journey but I guess each situation has its nuances that is hard to capture in one post.

my parents (1 hour) are doable for a day visit but they can be difficult - want to do everything on their terms and aren’t very flexible at times. They also don’t really go a bundle for child friendly activities (they are still bedding in to being grandparents!!).

in laws are far more experienced grandparents but are very introverted people - they don’t like meeting up among crowds and doing activities so their visits need to be home based and door to door it’s closer to 2 hours each way which rules out day visits as DS is only 3.5. They also don’t like driving a lot so prefer longer visits when the come.

So things just feel clunky and akward and like we can’t find a happy medium.

your comments are putting things in perspective though and perhaps it’s just a situation that’ll settle as DS and DD get older

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Original poster

EW671 · 09/07/2023 18:53

Also my parents are late risers so almost never want to meet before 1 - we’ve had a whole day by then!

and in laws have two grandkids from my SIL and are heavily involved in their lives as they’re only 10 mins away so we have to slot on as and when we can.

also, if we wanted to we could spend every weekend travelling to see family but then DS misses out on play dates, clubs and lessons etc because we both work Mon to Fri full time (out of financial necessity).

OP posts:

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 09/07/2023 20:20

Although it seems a long time now, in a few years it will be much easier to travel. Do you think that you will see the PIL more if they are so entwined in your SIL life? Might you move nearer and still not see them much more?

What are the schools like in the various locations? Both for primary and secondary? Make sure that it works for you as a family unit first.

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