My mum alienated me from my Dad

[eraseddad]

I'm 43 years old and i have 2 kids, i love my mother to bits but my kids are not very fond of her. She is the type that feeds them to "death" with sweets and candy but this is how she expresses her love.
I haven't seen my dad, save one time, since i was 12, and up until a week i thought the worst of that person. I'm in therapy for years to deal with his behaviour and the anger that man had caused me - or at least i thought he was the problem - and i reached a point that i actually hated him. I used to call him names and defending my mother to the ultimate degree and i was siding with her and my grandmother. My relationship with that man destroyed my most difficult years in school and till this day "his" influence was extreme in all of my moves in my life.
Last week though i had the biggest shock of my life... in my youngest's birthday party we were having a BBQ at my gran's garden and my gran - who's 87 :) had a second beer to celebrate and she got very tipsy... only to start talking to my eldest and saying that actually my dad was a very good man... she started to say that she is very old and she wants to "be clean" before she rests... !!! my eldest, 16, smart girl, got her another beer and called me over to listen to her and i sat there in complete shock. She admitted my mum was lying and that my dad never kicked us out of the house but my mum took me away that night and that my dad was fighting for me for years. She had kept papers from courts and statements that my dad was fighting for me and i know understand that he was alienated by mum - i'm sure the term wasn't as trendy back then but had so much research on this the past week that i can now name it- . My whole life my mother made me believe he was a monster were all he was he was an amazing dad. i lost my dad and my self because of my mum and i'm in an absolute mess. The one person i thought i could count in my life is an utter vile evil lier. She used me... her own kid to get back at my dad. Isn't this abuse? I haven't been talking to her now since then and the level of emotional manipulation she's trying and her mannerisms are insane. Everything i learned in therapy i can see it on her right now and all i can see is a dad that he never said a single bad word for her. I still remember shouting at him to give me an explanation for his "actions" and he was always refusing to discuss "adult" matters with me and i was furious... i was fuming i was 16 and he suggested i'm not old enough and now i see he was right! That man has been texting me non stop every week for the last 20 years, "i love you and i'm still here" and i've never responded in a single one. I'm ashamed to talk to him now... i have called him so many things... my partner says go for it... speak to him, he has been consistent and patient for years... he loves you... but what do i do with the monster mum?

Speak to her and ask her for the truth. There will be reason, justifiable or no, why she decided to alienate you. You also need to ask to see those court papers. Remember, everybody’s recollections change over time, normally in their own favour.

This is why I think people in your dad's position do need to be honest with their kids about what's going on to an extent. The alternative is worse. I don't think you've got anything to lose in speaking to him and repairing the relationship now, from his texts he's clearly still responsive to that.

I also have no relationship my df.. Haven't seen him for 23 years. I am 52. As a dc he was allowed to visit me with dm there. As an adult I tried hard. Just no bond there. Dm meddled with my ex when we split. He didn't see my dd from 2 years old. A pattern I realised. Been nc for 20 years with dm now.

Please reply.

Be factual. DGM got drunk, she said xyz, I am utterly floored. Not sure when I will be ready to discuss it.

I would be very very wary with all of this @eraseddad discuss things with your mother properly. She had her reasons for doing what she did. There are serious serious issues (criminal) in my family of origin and most people are only getting half and partial truths.

My advice? Just write him back. Even if there is more to the story, a man that has written you every day for 20 years? Write him back. I would do this right now, before you do anything else.

Figure out separately what to do with your mum. In therapy.

And it’s not your job to punish anyone. Remember that.

maybe you're right... if he loves me as he says he might be ready to tell me the truth.

I'm so struggling with the idea to not punish my DM... it's beyond me she was lying to me... and my gran too... they never missed a chance to burn that guy in my eyes and i was always in a way rewarded by both when i was saying to social services i don't want to see that disgusting piece of shit 😬I still remember my DM and gran taking me for my fave ice cream after i had bursted against him in a meeting with social services...

Good point... need to see her response on these things she was saying in courts... my partner suggests a meeting with DM and gran so noone can hide ... but i really really really can't see their faces...

What did you see with your own eyes?

If there was not physical or mental abuse, that you know for a fact happened, why does he not deserve at least a chance to speak to you as an adult?

It’s not for you to be judge and jury, either. Find out what kind of person he is today.

Honestly, you can focus on the anger you feel, but sounds like you’ve been doing that most of your life.

You can seek something positive now. Worry about the rest later. It’s seems possible your father is not who you thought, that you can have a relationship.

Right??? if he loves me so much why doesn't he say his side of the story?? why protect my DM??? this is so much worse for me... shouldn't he had stepped in and stopped it... stop my DM from using me or it was very convenient for him to forget about me???

Do you think that you could text him something like “I know it’s taken me a long time to reply to your messages. But I wondered whether you would like to meet for coffee?”
start small and work from there? I don’t think that you should be embarrassed that you haven’t texted before- if he’s kept messaging you it’s because he has hoped that one day he’d get a reply.

I think that sometimes what is true is really messy and peoples recollections vary hugely. And their motivations are misunderstood and their actions are poorly communicated and there is a whole mess in the middle.

But possibly you could start afresh on day 1 with your dad, get to know him, and make your own adult determination about what sort of person he is….

well... it's very blurry now... but tbh he never abused me he was a bit strict (but now i understand it with my little devils) ...he was shitty to my mother though but i guess from what happened maybe he wasn't shitty to her after all...

It’s not for you to be judge and jury, either. This is really playing in my mind... i shouldn't be right? i was the kid... kids are never responsible

Do you think a parent deserves to lose their child forever for being strict? Or for fighting with their other parent?

It's understandable you are upset to have had it implied to you that your past is not as straightforward as you thought it was.

Do please try and keep in mind that it is extremely rare for the fault to be all on one side in any situation. Of course this can occasionally happen - sometimes someone is the victim of an abuser for example - but often in relationship breakdowns nobody is completely the good person or the bad person - it's more complex than that.

Your mom may have made mistakes, and she may have exaggerated your dad's faults to you. Equally she may have believed for whatever reason that she was doing you a favour keeping you away from him (rightly or wrongly).

Your dad may indeed have loved you and wanted to see you all along. That doesn't mean he was perfect or that he didn't make mistakes himself.

Surely the ideal goal for you would be to have the best relationship you can with both parents, while accepting that both are imperfect and may have made mistakes.

I would speak to both of them (separately), and your gran, as calmly as you can. Perhaps write a list of the questions you would like answers too. But you also need to accept that you may never get those answers, or certainly not as fully as you might like. Mom, dad and gran all probably believe that on the whole they acted for the best - people generally do believe this. They may, with hindsight, feel able to admit some fault in their actions. Or they may not.

Ultimately, if you feel that they love you then it's probably worth working towards forgiveness and building a relationship.

Have I always done the right thing with regards to my daughter? 100% not. Do I love her so much I would lay down my life for her? 100% yes.

Right??? if he loves me so much why doesn't he say his side of the story?? why protect my DM??? this is so much worse for me... shouldn't he had stepped in and stopped it... stop my DM from using me or it was very convenient for him to forget about me???

Well, a lot of people swear by never involving the kids, never speaking ill of the other parent regardless of what's happened. It's thought that it puts the child in an unfair position to criticise the parent they love. But in my opinion, when something like this is going on, there's a balance to be struck.

If you have read a lot this week on parental alienation then you will understand the situation your father was in? Would you have believed him? With your mother and grandmother in your ear? I will say this, the fact he has consistently messaged you for 20 years tells you the heartbreak he faced. I would reply to him one day, however, I would wait until I had gathered my thoughts. The man lost his child, went through courts, was involved with social services. I can imagine he is very tired. Yes you deserve answers but I would leave him alone if you are going to bring drama to his door.

😔no... no they don't

but it's not about him, he lived his life while i was in a shitty house with a mum straggling to cope after her man dumped her. We also know that just after a year he had divorced my mum he "started" "dating" men! Don't get me wrong, it's fine he's gay but he devastated our family.

That's very solid advice for thank you 😘
You really made me sob with the idea of being in his position and having taken away my kids. I think i'd die if someone took them away. Maybe you're right, i read that parental alienation is worse than your kid dying as you go through all the different stages of bereavement and loss and on top you experience aggression, rejection and unfairness... ouch... i'd probably go mad

That really allowed me a breath... thank you so much for your message (huge hugs)

Well my Dad never has said a single bad thing about DM and the more i think about it and the more i talk about it with people it seems my Dad's "mistakes" where adult things between him and my DM. I spoke with both of my aunts today and they both seem to say more or less that my Dad had financial disputes with my DM and that she was demanding more. My uncle "suddenly" remembers my DM fuming with the idea of the first court order of shared responsibility and her "intensely" saying she will do anything possible for him not to see me ever again...

I think i should do exactly as you said... write a list of questions i need answers to and when i feel calmer maybe send it to them and see the responses... :(

My lovelies thank you all so much for your comments on a very difficult time. Some really helped and showed the path to get to a better place. I've joined a couple of groups now with alienated kids and we all seem to have very similar stories... Mothers who out of spite, egos and narcissistic reasons have erased Fathers from their kids lives. My dad is back in my life and i'm only sad that i had lost this time with him... We met a week ago and we now text everyday... Till this moment he refuses to comment on the monster but i understand now and that only elevates him more in my eyes... he is the total opposite from the monster and i know see she only felt inferior and rejected by my dad so used me to get back at him... All i'm going to say to the ladies that commented that the monster "had her reasons", i tell you... abuse has no reasons... whatever was going on in her damaged brain it was her issues... we don't justify a rapist because he has a fixation with "red heels"... ANY Mo(th)nster that pretends they have reasons - unless obviously there are actual harmful instances to the child only and not to their precious ego - should be actually in jail for abuse on minors... should be trialled and put to jail as would a sex offender abusing underaged... mental abuse is equally bad as physical... I hope some day i manage to recover by the monster's abuse the past 20 years but i'm confident now i have my dad that i actually have a real parent by my side that will help me. Ladies my love to all and my best wishes xxx