First time mum, nearly 15 month old is starting to have temper tantrums and I feel a bit helpless sometimes.

[SoVeryEmbarassed19876]

She is finally understanding the word 'no' and she definitely doesn't like it. I try my best to do a bit of 'gentle parenting', e.g. "I know you want to throw the garden stones, but you can't because you will get hurt. It's not fair, is it?!" and offering her a cuddle and sympathy. I don't find it hard to stick to my 'no' and try to say 'no thank-you' too.

Lately when being told no she will scream and scream until she is red in the face. I'm sure it's normal toddlerism and I try to stay calm and offer sympathy, but if I offer her a hug she will push away, or if I hold my arms out she won't come to me. For example today she wanted to go run around in the kitchen, there's a baby gate stopping her from going in because it's not entirely baby proofed. She keeps hitting her head on the dining table, she wants to throw or eat the cat's food or splash his water (there's not really any counter space for us to put it out of her reach). We do let her in occasionally when supervised so she can go through her snack cupboard and safely play around, but today we said no and she sat by the gate and screamed.

My strategy was to sit near her, offer sympathy and a cuddle if she wanted it, and i know she didn't understand but I said calmly that we aren't going to play in the kitchen right now, sorry.

My MIL's strategy was to frantically shake any toy she could at her, or try to loudly read her favourite book over her screams. DH noticed she screamed more if she knew you were looking so he made a point to not make eye contact (please don't attack him for this, we're both new at this), but I said I'm not comfortable ignoring her when she's so upset. MIL also literally mocked her crying and did a big exagerrated fake cry which I hated and definitely need to tell her not to do in future.

But my question is, if she doesn't want my comfort or me telling her calmly why we can't do something even though it makes us upset not to do it, do I just sit by her and wait it out? I offer her alternatives, like we can't go play with the cat's dinner but we can play with this toy! But it doesn't always work. Do I just sit by her and let her know I'm here and I hear her and I'm here when she's ready?

Being 15 months old is very frustrating. She can't do things she wants to do. You'd probably be pretty crossif you had so little control of your life! Their inbuilt desire to explore and push boundaries is how toddlers learn so quickly.

Being too verbal can easily happen when you are doing gentle parenting. You know when you are so cross you struggle to express yourself? Toddlers lose their verbal capacityvery easily when angry so they just can't understand your explanations even to their normal level. Keep it SIMPLE. Do reflect their feelings, but more with your face/tone than your words.

Strongly recommend reading two books:
The happiest toddler on the Block
The whole brain child

You do want to move into distraction, but calmly and after doing the reflection of their feelings. Sounds like your MIL is getting there a bit too quickly to be effective, she may be feeling a bit less patient than she did when she was a mum herself to a toddler.

Some ideas:

• distraction
• having faith that you will begin to know her inside out and can predict what will set her off so you will be able to pre-empt it.
• Not expecting a 15 month old to understand your explanations - sometimes they just need a firm No! Some interpretations of gentle parenting expect to much of a small child's reasoning powers.

Lots of good luck! - it is a challenging time!

too much ...