Crying in the bath over a birth announcement because I'm scared to try again

[CompletekyConfused]

I have one DD aged 5. She is the light of my life. Before having g her I had some losses and I was so blissfully happy to have her. When she was born I developed crippling post natal anxiety - probably some depression as well but mainly anxiety. DH was barely ok at supporting me at the start he (and I) didn't really get it. I never sought any help because I was scared social services would get involved. DD was a terrible sleeper. I put on a brave face but it was only when she turned four my daily fight against panic attacks started to lift.

Now I'm happy and at peace - apart from the fact I'm 38 and I'm now panicking about having another. I want one for the future (want a bigger family etc) but I'm absolutely sh*scared of being pregnant and the early years again.

I found a teenage diary at my parents house a few weeks ago and I was writing about panic attacks I was having age 12 so I know I've suffered with this condition my whole life.

DH is now supportive but still doesn't really understand MH. Now a close friend has had their second and another is expecting and I change my mind minute by minute about what I should do. Any advice or experiences to share?

Oh, bless you. You really don't have to have panic attacks for the rest of your life. Post natal mental health difficulties are so ordinary. No one is going to callsocial services.

I went to the GP after my third and said I needed help with anxiety and was met with understanding and sympathy. I was told to access the self referral talking therapies services - which I'm pretty sure are available everywhere. You don't even have to talk to your GP.

I have also used an app called Dare for panic. I like it but I suspect real life help would be much more impactful for you.

You can get rid of it - don't let it make your life decisions.

Honestly, if pregnancy and babies make you suffer that much, I wouldn't go through it again. It sounds like it's very triggering to you and to put yourself through years of difficulty sounds like a bad idea for both you and your existing child.

Aside from that, Iwould see GP and seek support more generally. There may be counselling that could help you?