Don't know if I am being unreasonable

[Nevertoolate]

I am a first time mum. After a missed miscarriage, I got pregnant but suffered from severe sickness and was admitted to the hospital few times. My in laws nor my husband looked after me at that time. I had to catch taxi and my friend cooked me meals that I was able to manage few months into my pregnancy. The Christmas time my in laws told me that we were never to discuss pregnancy or about the baby because their daughter would get upset (was trying to get pregnant as well via IVF) .

The following month they all rushed down to see the baby including my sister in law? My MIL who never helped me during my pregnancy wanted to come around everyday to clean and help me with the baby. I stopped her from coming because she was causing me stress and anxiety while I was getting to grips with being a new mim, recovery from birth, bonding with the baby, etc.

On the 1st birthday party, my in laws called the baby daft and they were both in agreement. So far they have gifted the baby 5 pairs of 2nd hand clothes and £50 for the 1st birthday. Sister in law £10 for baby's 1st birthday. My husband bought crib highchair, blinds and odd formula. He doesn't contribute towards the childcare.

Unfortunately, my family lives abroad. I work full time and bear the nursery expenses plus shipping, household bills, baby's clothes, toiletries, etc. All my husband pays for is the mortgage and has around £1100 disposable income each month. He works full time but says that he can't afford to pay for the childcare, which is a piss take. So he insists that his parents look after the baby for 1/2 day a week to save the childcare cost and that will be his contribution. Also he wants his parents to accompany us wherever we want to go as a family on weekends. Due to this reason, I don't suggest anything.

I don't want his parents or sister near my baby because of tue dismissal during my pregnancy and I don't trust them. They have given us very little support. I don't want to have my MIL in my house because she is a nosy bitch and she will want to then run my family.

I feel my in laws are saying thinhs to my husband that after every phone calls to them he starts saying my mum wants to do this and that and it starts an argument. Our relationship is getting strained due to these poor suggestions of my husband wanting his parents around and my in laws interference. I reluctantly take our baby to see them because sadly they are GP.

I really don't know how to go about it because I feel I am not happy in this relationship. Husband is unsupportive and wanting his parents to run my family life. I feel trapped 😔

Is there anything I am missing here? Shoild I do something differently to help this relationship? Please 😣

First of all, I’m very sorry to hear about mc but glad you have your rainbow baby.
Ive been through the same thing and it’s the most loneliest experience.

i don’t think you’re being unreasonable, I would be upset that you couldn’t express how happy you were whilst being pregnant. I bet that if your in laws mentioned how happy they were for you and hubby before politely asking you not to mention babies or pregnancy infront of your SIL, you wouldn’t feel so bitter about it? But I’m sure you can empathise with why your SIL would be touchy on the subject if she’s trying for a baby and maybe not being successful?

As for baby gifts, I’ve received two teddies from my in laws , baby is not 1 yet, but tbh I don’t expect any gift because anything you do get is a bonus then. I don’t understand why your hubby isn’t contributing more to child care though? It’s his child too.

You need to speak to your hubby in a non defensive way. It’s always going to be touchy to talk about his family, but the least he can do is TRY. to understand that you’re not comfortable with them looking after your baby. Trust is a big thing when you’re literally handing “your everything” to them to care for. You’ve carried your precious baby inside you for 9months , gone through childbirth- surely your husband can understand you have natural maternal instincts by being protective??? If not, just explain to him.

Your hubby is being pretty shitty for not siding with you or having your back when you’ve just started a family of your own. You and the baby should be his priority now.

Honestly, is the relationship worth saving? You husband is part of the problem by letting/wanting his interfering parents there for everything.
Did you and him have dates alone or did he bring them along then as well?

I wouldn’t live like this. Him being selfish enough to have all that disposable income, yet refuse to contribute to childcare would kill it for me, add the family dynamics into it and I honestly don’t think it’s worth carrying on.

Thank you for your message. I did empathise with my SIL and like you said, if my in laws dealt with it in a better way, I wouldn't feel this way towards them. It makes me feel that if I accept what they did and draw a line they will hurt me again somewhere down the line. My behaviour is so uncontrollably bad when they are around the baby. I get very anxious.

I thought my husband would be supportive of the baby and e but he seems so strongly supportive of his family. I am not saying he shouldn't have his family around but there is a limit to his family.

You are right about approaching this topic in a calmer way when I talk to him. I really do get so defensive and annoyed having to explain each time as to why I don't want his parent's involvement.

Your suggestions have given me something to think about, thank you.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Some days I do feel what's the point in living like this? I think if he prolongs like this in the long run, there is going to be a break point.

I am going to try my best to explain to him in a better way than being defensive and see how he would take it.

I am also thinking of the child because he is the father. I am thinking very carefully before I decide anything.

Hello OP - are your in laws/ husband from a different culture? I ask because this may help me give you more specific advice

i also had a missed miscarriage and I am so glad you have your rainbow baby. From what you’ve written however, it all seems very stressful and toxic. I don’t understand why your partner is making you pay for childcare. Do you not have joined finances? If the reason is that he earns too little to sustain a child, is he looking for better employment or training?

I think you need to assess whether this partnership is capable of withstanding a child. Why do your in laws have to attend family days out?

You’re welcome.
I get where you come from though, I do everything for my baby and thought my hubby would be more hands on, but was wrong. I get nervous when hubby has baby alone, never mind the in laws.
However, life would be much easier for you to know that you have some supportive network around you especially because your family are abroad.

what is your behaviour like when they are around? And how old is your baby?

I don’t trust my MIL with my baby, so I make sure that I’m always around or baby is in sight whenever she’s around.

I hope your hubby will recognise your efforts and be more hands on in helping.

When they are around my 17 months old, I feel very unhappy, it brings flashback of the past and reminds me they are selfish and don't deserve my child.

I take the baby away from them and not allow them to have my child for long. I feel so anxiois that I don't feel comfortable being around them. I am like you. I watch like a hawk. We had a family party and fortunately my in laws couldn't make it. There were other family members holding my child and cuddling, I felt so happy and didn't feel anxious at all. I was so relaxed that I enjoyed myself. It's the same with the nursery, I feel that all the staff loves my child and I can trust them.

It's just these 3 people whom I feel rejected me and my child, supressed my happiness. Therefore, when they hold my child it makes me so uncomfortable and unhappy.

Yes, there is a cultural difference between my husband, in laws and me.

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It was the hardest thing in my life to go through and then my happiness was suppressed /rejected by my in laws.

Which is what I am not able to understand either. My husband is not supporting the childcare but he wants his mum to look after my child and join us in all the family outings? I feel very confused about my relationship since having my child. I strongly feel the interference of my MIL and me stopping it right at the beginning has escalated this to repeat. My husband earms a good income, that's why he has so much disposable income every month where as I haven't got a lot left.

He says he heard stories of joint accounts where the women has taken all the money away when the couple split, etc. Therefore, he doesn't trust in having a joint account. That made me feel that he doesn't trust me. Also currently, he is living on me. I pay for the weekly food shopping and make sure there is food in the house andnhe is fed.

My in laws doesn't address us as a couple. They just say their son's name. They say their son's house. He drives my car and they say its his. They never made me feel included. My FIL said my child will call his name and he is not a grandpa to my child. Don't know if that's common but so far I have seen grandparents being the case.

When he suggests that his parents join us for something and I say no, tyen he says to me I am not normal.

I think that's where he is pushing me towards now. I already feel like I am a single mum. I am starting weight things to see what's best for my child and me. Equally, I wanted to get others opinion because I want to see the other side/or see sense to my thoughts.

Um, that sounds like financial abuse! He pays the mortgage only, and you pay for food and bills AND childcare? And the car? Have I understood that correctly?

You don't need to have a joint account that every puts everything into that one person could empty. DH and I know what our monthly exleditures are (morgage, bills, childcare, activities, typical amount for food). Between us we transfer in enough to cover that amount each month by standing order. Normally we have a similar income so we split 50:50

Maybe when you take babe away do it in a subtle manner? Like I usually say come on we need to change your bum or baby might be due a feed/ contact nap?

ok you don’t have a joint account but keep your receipts after a grocery shop and ask to have half back from your hubby - it’s very petty but he’s the one who has led it to this for not being financial supportive for the child that belongs to BOTH of you!! I hope he’s ripping up fuel atleast if he’s using YOUR car!

You are right. That's what I suggested him when we started living together to open a joint account to put money towards all the household bills/mortgage, etc and he said he doesn't trust that either. He said what if one doesn't put in the money?
So until the baby arrived, I used to calculate all the expenses and ask him to pay me his 50%. Now he calculated yye mortgage he pays and asked me for what I spend on household bills and shopping. At that time it was slightly over the mortgage but no massively over. He then said, he can't afford the nursery expenses and his parents will do a half a day and that will be his contribution. I clearly know that he has a disposable income of £1100 every month and he can easily afford the childcare.

Thanks for the suggestion on dealimg with the situation.

To visit his parents and for shopping, etc my car is used because his van has no carsear for the baby nor the space. He never offered to pay for the fuel. I think I should be petty and ask him for money after shopping, fuel money for visiting his parents, etc.