8 year old rules the roost

[Witsendturnleft]

I am at my wits end with my DD (8 next month) and I really need help. She does absolutely nothing I say and every day is a battle. Some of the things I can’t cope with - she doesn’t take no for an answer and will argue to the death until I eventually lose my temper and then I feel like the worst mom in the world, she is messy and not in a normal 7 year old messy she literally trashes everything, her room is disgusting and she refuses to tidy it, I will shut the door and ignore it but the rest of the house I can’t ignore and I’m drained at the amount of extra work there is, every time she eats she is covered in food, her school uniform is needing to be washed everyday because she comes home with all sorts down her, the floor and table always has food everywhere from where she has ate, it’s like a toddlers mess after a meal. Her attitude is disgusting and she is rude to people, if she sees family she doesn’t say hello to them she walks through to their house and says hello to the dog and ignores the adults when they say hello to her, she needs to be prompted constantly to say please and thank you, family will buy her things and give them to her and she’ll barely acknowledge it and it’s mortifying. This morning she is off school after a drs appointment yesterday, she is severely constipated and has been given large doses of laxatives so dr has said it’s not appropriate for her to go to school because of frequent toilet visits, I’ve made her a laxative drink this morning and she has refused to drink it, (I understand it’s horrible, I’ve put squash in but advised nothing else) for 2 hours she has been insistent that she’s not drinking that drink, so I’ve said if she’s not to drink it she can go and get ready for school and I will take her seen as she’s not going to be taking the laxatives there’s no reason to be off, she has gone mental at this and refused to get ready for school or to take the drink and I’m sat here thinking I’m her mom and shes telling me that she’s not doing anything that I ask. She’s basically having a couple of days off for nothing at this point. I constantly have battles with her over everything, showering/bathing, if she’s been particularly awful and I send her to her room for a cool down she point blank refuses and will just keep saying no everytime I repeat myself, tidying after herself, I gave her some simple chores for pocket money (bring down her dirty washing, put plates in the dishwasher after tea, make her bed) so far she hasn’t actually ever got this pocket money because when she’s reminded of her chores she will say ‘no I’m not doing that’. She is constantly asking for food/treats and kicks off if she doesn’t get the answer she wants.

She is a lovely girl a lot of the time but the constant battles and refusing to do anything she’s asked is really draining me and I’m burnt out. I’m actually dreading these next few days with her being off school and I shouldn’t feel that way.

She’s just brought me a note that says she sorry and she has drank the drink (nearly 2 hours later) but I feel like we shouldn’t need to get to the point of us having a huge row and her needing to say sorry if she’d have just done as she was asked instead of kicking off.

Atleast every day I have to sit with her and talk through what’s happened and explain why it’s not good behaviour, she is rewarded massively when she’s good, mainly verbally but if she’s been particularly good I will treat her to something but she seems to forget all this.

Any advice welcome

I know this is the answer that gets trotted out a lot on MN, but has she been assessed for any special needs?

Some things you described sound like normal 7 year old behaviour but some could be ASD/PDA.

I have a DD with constipation and it’s miserable. There’s a very supportive FB group called Movicol Mummies - I recommend joining it for some moral support for that, at least

She’s basically having a couple of days off for nothing at this point.

She is not in charge. She thinks she is.
I'd use gentle consequences. And always follow through.

You need to choose your battles. One thing to work on at a time. Tell her it feels very stressful at home at the moment and your ALL going to make changes and work as a team to make things better. This week we are starting with -putting your plate next to the sink or what ever is your priority. You can add something new every couple of weeks BUT it’s normal to sometimes have to prompt them. That’s the job of parents.

Put the medicine in hot chocolate. If she is constipated then she will be feeling rubbish.

I don’t like linking chores to pocket money because that gives her a choice not to do it and that’s not what you want.

I don’t like sending her away as punishment. That sends the message that you don’t like her. Can you find something else?

It’s hard to tell in one message and just through text but you seems very negative about her and perhaps that’s coming across to her.

My oldest is a year younger and she frequently doesn’t want to take her medication or do physio and it’s something we often have to talk about. It’s a difficult thing for them. Equally she will happily tidy but gets overwhelmed easily so has to do it daily and even then she needs directing because she can’t figure where to start.

My 2 dc with autism diagnosis are the same

In fact look up PDA ..my boys have that ,it’s part of autism ,it will be why everything is a battle

There's a real mixture in this post between things which are genuinely problematic and things which are totally normal 7 year old behaviour (most of them come home needing a uniform wash every day, and most of them make a mess when eating, for example). It will be hard to address the actual issues if you see EVERYTHING she does as wrong. Defiance and rudeness are different, and these things should be the focus of your attention. Does she get enough praise from you? Praise can make a massive difference.

My daughter was like this at about 9, and my son now at 4. Both ASD, I have to say.