Please help?! At my wits end with my 6yo

[LB131604]

My 6yo daughter has always been a sweet, kind and well behaved little girl but lately she has U turned and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

So tonight, which is one of many, has taken 3 hours of her coming downstairs for various reasons/excuses. Each time we've taken her back to bed but the last time I'd had enough and told her that her friend would no longer be coming over for dinner tomorrow as its 10pm and she'll be to tired for visitors tomorrow evening. Well of course she erupted, started trying to blackmail me into changing my mind for example "I'm not going to bed until you let my friend come tomorrow". Anyway got her to bed in tears which made me feel awful because I hate her going to bed upset.

But this isn't just it lately she shouts at me, talks to me like a piece of 💩 even just for asking how her days been, she hits and kicks me when she's frustrated she can't have/do something she wants.

She recently had a sleepover at grandparents house and scribbled on everything, walls, furniture, garden posts, garden furniture, cushions on the sofa, bedding, toys just everywhere. This is all so unlike her and I've tried to talk to her to find out if there is any reason behind her actions, explaining to her that it's ok to have feelings but she must talk about them and I'm here to listen but she doesn't seem concerned about anything.

She's had a couple of wee accidents at school too lately which is so unlike her as she hasn't had a single accident since nursery school. I've spoke to her teacher to find out if there is any bullying going on in school or worse if she's becoming a bit of a bully but her teacher assured me that she was very well liked in school, has plenty of friends and is always happy and helpful in school. She even got a gleaming school report.

We've recently introduced time out but not noticing much difference in behaviour yet.

I don't get it, she's never been like this and I feel like it's breaking down our relationship. We've always been close and I miss giggling with her and just being a bit silly. Now she's so serious and treats me like rubbish and I seriously don't know how to get things back on track. Any advice?

Throwing down the punishment of her not having her friend over was disproportionate, knee jerk punishments like this generally backfire and don’t achieve the behaviour you want. You now have to follow through, the friend will be upset & DD is likely to be foul tomorrow because she’s upset.
Why would she behave at all when you’ve just taken away something she was looking forward to? She has no reason to be good now.

Have you tried rewarding the good behaviour? Sometimes you can get stuck in a cycle of them acting up & always getting telling off. Maybe she needs some love bombing? End of school year always sends them a little crazy though.
https://www.purplehouseclinic.co.uk/power-love-bombing-reboot-childs-emotional-well/

Reminds me of my 5 year old DS. He has a lot of things going on at the moment and we are trying to support him as best as possible. Angry outbursts, wee accidents, difficultly getting to sleep . everything you have described makes me think something is going on. Behaviour is communication, your DDs behaviour has changed something is going on. Rather than punishing her I would focus on 1:1 time and trying to give her the security to hopefully open up.

How about a worry jar? She writes down worries on scraps of paper and you fix one per night at bedtime. I tell my dd (who had a period of just what you describe a year after she became a sister) that everything is fixable if we work through it together. I also, because we like to be a bit silly, use toys to role play her problems with me playing all the parts. She can then chip in and say no, you did this wrong, its more like this etc and then you model the resolution. I find a long chat in bed is the best time for this. She may have been up out of bed as mind whirring or scared etc.

Really sounds like this behaviour needs unpicking. Has anything changed in her life or in the family? Could she be worried about moving up at school if there has been talk of that?

Worry jar a good idea as suggested by Readthereviews. You can get a worry monster with a zip up mouth to put worries in.

Maybe she needs to learn to unwind and relax when she’s feeling cross and irritable. Is there space for a cosy area you can create together with maybe a bean bag, slanket, coloured lights etc. You can direct her to this or she could start to recognise her own emotional state using a book like
When my worries get too big.
Could she have been too excited to sleep at the thought of her friend coming?

Urinary incontinence can be a sign of a UTI which can also affect sleep. It can also sometimes indicate sexual abuse. Which grandparents did she stay with when she scribbled everywhere?

Also threadworms made my DS have wee accidents, be very antsy and irritable and unable to sleep.

@Geppili sorry I just need to shut this down. They are my grandparents who raised me as their own child. I had the most perfect childhood because of them so definitely none of that going on. She had two wee accidents at school before staying with them.

Thread worms
Constipation
UTI
I would consider all the above.

@ReadtheReviews I had the same thoughts so I organised a mummy and daughter day. We went to a shopping centre and she picked out some clothes and child friendly make up. We then went for a burger king after. It was a lovely day however, the more she got the more she wanted so, we had a few moments where she had a tantrum because I had told her she can't have everything and would need to pick her best 5 things.
I then organised another mummy and daughter morning where we went to watch Matilda the musical at the cinema and I must admit she was a gem and really enjoyed her time as did I. So this is definitely something we have been trying to focus on.

I disagree with having to follow through on such a huge (for her age!) punishment- I’d say if you haven’t contacted the parents then take your daughter aside and say it was very late (ten is very very late for that age) and you were both tired and you were both cranky and irrational but tell her she was out of order and next time you can’t let it go by. I’d be worried about the accidents too, hope all works out and someone here can help op x

@24Dogcuddler so yes she has had some big changes in her life over the last 2 years. She went from being the only child to suddenly having a sister who is now 2 and a brother who is 1. I have tried to ensure we have 1 on 1 time together and we sit and read together every day after school.
I have also just returned to work but only 10 hours a week, 2 hours an evening so she is spending the evening with DH and her siblings. I come home at around 7pm and I take her up to bed, help her with her nighttime routine teeth, hair, body cream, PJ's and a story.

She really enjoys colouring and crafts so we bought her a desk and chair for her bedroom as she finds her sister tries to annoy her when she's trying to get creative. I thought this would give her a great space to be able to have some quiet time to be able to do what she loves.

"we had a few moments where she had a tantrum because I had told her she can't have everything and would need to pick her best 5 things"

You need to pre-empt this behaviour BEFORE days out/visits to grandma etc, not just after she's had a meltdown because by then it's too late. So before taking how out, simply (as in, not long paragraphs and sentences) but firmly tell her what the rules are/expectations/what positive behaviour you expect to see from her, tell her what the consequence will be if she doesn't behave, then if she does misbehave give her a warning reminder of the consequences, then follow through with consequence if she doesn't behave whilst firmly reminding her.

@stayathomer this is exactly what I did this morning. I explained that mummy was very tired last night and that her behaviour was unacceptable. I've told her that on this occasion her friend can come over for dinner but said that if her behaviour continues this evening she will have to go home early.
In all honesty the punishment came from a very tired, frustrated place. She had come down so many times and was not listening, talking to horrendously and I just didn't know what else I could do in that moment. Obviously in hindsight I shouldn't have given that as a punishment but almost become desperate.

@YouJustDoYou so I think the consequences are what I find difficult at times, especially when out and about.

Can you give examples of an adequate consequence please?

Is your DH her father? Did the bad behaviour start before or after you returned to work and she was left in his care each evening?

LB131604
We’ve all been there (I have teenagers as well as an 8 and 10 yo so I have to stop myself threatening to do awful things to any screens in the house😅) . Hope she and you have a good day x

@BlanketSmoothies yes he's her father and they have a lovely bond and she never seems upset that I'm leaving her with him.

I would really recommend a podcast called “peace and parenting” they have some very insightful advice on how to deal with difficult behaviour, I listen every day and learn something new every time I listen and it’s really making me reflect on how I parent and what I can do differently, because ultimately children are just children, they will push boundaries and test us, do the wrong thing and make bad decisions, they’re not doing it because they’re “naughty” or badly behaved, they’re doing it because they don’t know how to regulate properly.

Don’t make her feel punished, make her feel loved, and loved whether or not she is behaving “appropriately” as I’m willing to bet you have a negative reaction to her negative behaviours (as most of us do as it’s what we grow up with and what we’re used to).
And I personally wouldn’t go for the time out thing, i believe doing time out or naughty step creates division from your kid right at a point when they probably need you most.

i don’t think anyone can necessarily help with why her behaviour has changed but there are things you can do to help her through it and when she realises you’ll be there for her and love her even when she’s not behaving in ways you like she will start to open up and learn to change her behaviour herself.
i hope things improve for you all.

@BlanketSmoothies oh and the behaviour started before. She has said she just wants me home a couple times.

A six year old is more likely to want to go to a park than shopping, which is probably why Matilda went well. But looking at a screen together isn't real bonding time. Let her pick the activity. My dd is also going through similar so I feel your pain

@Iwasrightallalong thanks. I love a good podcast as a pass time at work so I'll have a listen this evening. Thank you

@Mummysatthebodyshop the idea came from the fact she loves being girly. She loves clothes, shoes, make up, handbags etc. So we went and tried the clothes on and she was strutting around the changing room feeling on top of the world which was really sweet and she did enjoy it. It was only the fact she couldn't have the 5000 things she'd picked up 😂 and I limited it to 5 best things.
Great idea to let her pick the activities next time 🙂

I would always give a warning before a punishment. I wouldn't say "Right you've been naughty so you can't have your friend round". Instead I'd say "It's time to sleep. If you come downstairs again we'll have to cancel your friend's visit". This is what works with my son - it gives him time to calm down and think about the consequences.
If I just threw a punishment at him it would be like throwing petrol on to flames (seems to be what happened with your daughter).
I think there must be a reason for her sudden change in behaviour, even if it's only one of those developmental leaps which apparently leads to difficult behaviour.

Hmmm, I would say it very much depends on each child - my own son, for example, was a devil to manage, but consistency and firmness over a number of years has worked wonders - he never got screen time etc at that age or gaming because it RUINED his behaviour so couldn't threaten to take that away for example as a consequence. He didn't really do toys either, so his main thing that worked personally for him was mostly time out in a corner, one minute for each minute of his age. I wouldn't leave him alone in a room to do it, but equally he wouldn't get my attention during the time out. It's been years since it was last needed, and he's a brilliant little boy now, so no I also don't believe it "creates division" at all.

My youngest has never tantrummed (down to her personality, not down to anything we did really), my middle one has done a few naughty things so for her time outs worked but also either removing treats for a few days. We never did "you get 5 minutes taken off of gaming" or whatever because that's a nothing punishment really. Meh, 5 minutes? So it was always a few days of removing something.

Out of bounds items that we never, ever removed were their favourite stuffed toys.

@YouJustDoYou my daughter sounds very similar to your son. I also don't have screen time at home other than the TV where she can watch movies or children's channels but not YouTube. Her behaviour at one point went from bad to worse because of YouTube so I put a stop to it and actually it helped a lot. She's not really interested in toys and like you she has a favourite blanket that we never take away from her.
I personally think that the time out is helping set boundaries and allowing her to understand and think it over when she is or has crossed them so I'm continuing on with that. I tend to come down to her level and explain why she is being put on time out to enable her to reflect and then at the end of time out we hug is out and I ask for an apology.
I just am awful with thinking of consequences on the spot mainly because we don't do screen time and she's not bothered with toys and I think that's why I occasionally result in giving her fierce punishments like not having her friend over because I have no idea what else I can use as a consequence for negative behaviour.