HOW do I get my kids to do things I need them to do?!!

[rolvus]

Still trying to figure out how to parent. Worryingly not there with it yet, even though one is already out of primary school. Does anyone have any tips for getting kids to do not only the essentials, but also the really important stuff like knuckle down at high school.

I struggle to get my 11 year old to do any of the following. None will be done without huge nagging, and some still don't get done. I am so tired of it, every day it's a complete battle. If I'm too tired to stand by the sink at 10pm (I may have fell asleep at 9 on a work day, for example) monitoring the teeth brushing and face wash, then it simply will not happen.

Teeth brushed twice a day
Use deodorant daily
Face wash
Put clothes in hamper
Put things in bin (we have provided a bin in bedroom, but mostly things don't end up in it - room is an absolute tip)
Complete homework

I realise this makes me sounds completely pathetic, but I'm just being honest. Genuinely can't get a handle on it.

I don't know how on earth I will get then to GCSE standard with reasonable grades, which scares me to death.

Well what are the consequences of inaction on their part?

No clean clothes if they don't get out in the laundry
No food - if they can't clean their teeth
No pocket money
No WiFi or games if that's their me joy

I think some of the hygiene ones will resolve themselves through a bit of peer pressure if they don't take care of them themselves - but obviously you'd prefer them to not get bullied about it.

Otherwise I'm afraid I'm still a bit star charts linked to rewards. If they're not doing the basics and by the way helping with stuff at home, they're not having yreats, wifi, devices and the like. This works with mine.

My sil turns the wifi off until they’ve done as they are told…works perfectly, even the threat of it going off spurs them into action

I still have to shout out to my 16yr old ds every morning/night to nag about brushing teeth. He got the hang of regularly putting deodorant on after years of nagging in yr 10! You have a few years to go.

Homework, meh, the school will give them detention if they don't do it so I was happy for ds to learn his lesson with that the hard way.

I made ds tidy his room once a week. I didn't care about how it was in between, I shut the door. I also had him doing his own washing from 15 so didn't care about clothes in a hamper or not.

Good luck, it does get better, they do seem to get it by year 10.

Don't nag. They'll just tune you out in afraid.

Consequences needed - natural where possible. Don't put your clothes in the hamper? They don't get washed. Your wear stuff that is clean (but not what you want) or you smell. They are old enough to only choose badly a few times.... likewise with deodorant. Their classmates will tell them they smell. You can too.

Bedroom has to be tidied in order to be cleaned. One reminder on cleaning day. Otherwise it gets binned.

The thing about consequences is you really have to mean them. You don't have to be mean about it, but you have to be clear and consistent. You also want to give mild but frequent verbal praise when they are going along with things.

Alternatively you can go down a rewards chart route. But I think that is generally less successful and doesn't make such a long term change

There needs to be consequences, as others suggested. That stuff is pretty basic, I thought you were going to say they don’t do chores like hoovering or washing up.

What are they doing instead of doing those things? I don't really like the punishment/reward approach, but if something is causing a consistent distraction or barrier to the necessary tasks being done I might try and restrict it. E.g. if they sit around on their phone rather than brushing their teeth, implement rules about leaving their phone in a basket in the kitchen between certain times of day. (You will also have to follow this rule otherwise it's nit going to fly.) Or WiFi off between certain hours. Or turning off the TV. Figure out what they are doing instead of the non-negotiables and go from there.

It's all about the follow through. If you can't consistently follow through then they will never listen.

When you find out please let me know!!

Even turning the WiFi off doesn't work here. I've currently locked all their devices in a safe box with the TV remotes 😂

A Parents job is to keep going when we
dont feel we can .
The repetitive stuff just has to be just that , keep reminding or doing it for them ( teeth I mean ) for example and yes the rest is Simple no clothes In basket means no
Clothes to wear .
No chores means no pocket money .
Cant do simple things like wash themselves then there is no wifi .
Ive Been through the teenage years twice and it’s not easy the “moments” we had over wifi was unreal.
Ive only one more to go .lol Good parenting is simply not giving up . You will get them to where they need to be if you just keep
being mum/dad

I think some kids just like some adults are organised and on top of tidy rooms etc but a lot of teens don't get it, like to qssert some control by living in a mess etc. Rather than expecting them to keep it perfect all the time maybe set a list of simple jobs for a Saturday morning e.g strip sheets, pick up rubbish, put a load of washing on, open window etc. Withhold WiFi or screen time till done and get that established as a routine first before adding more expectations later like remaking the bed or doing all their own washing, putting washing away etc.

I had a soap dodger who I turned around. I found comedy gagging and retching worked. I'd hug her then go OMG ARRRGGGHHH and mock fall over at the stench. She'd laugh but she'd wash and deodorise. Same with teeth.

For everything else I ask nicely, say please, thank them when they're done. If I'm washing up, they're tidying. So it becomes a family cleaning exercise. She's done her own clothes since about 10, helped of course. But she does it. I talk a lot about flatshares and university and being a good, effective flatmate and not being THAT person. She sees it as practising.

Honestly, the only thing that works with mine is to explain very concisely why it's needed and how it directly benefits them, then repeat as often as required. Then leave how they actually do it up to them, and allow consequences where possible.

DD hates washing/brushing hair/teeth etc. She doesn't care if she stinks. But she does care whether anyone wants to be friends with her, or if they call her names for it (she's 11). DS doesn't want to make the effort to be clean and tidy when he leaves the house, but he's a big fan of shop staff thinking he's cute and getting extras in cafes. Neither wants to do housework, but they do want me to have the time to read to them.

It's all verbal in our house.

2 x teens and 1 x 10yo here, and I think it’s just a case of patient repetition. I have to ask my DS to clean his teeth three times Every. Single. Night. But eventually he’ll get it.

Stay calm and make sure they’re looking at you and listening before you speak. Also use single word reminder: ‘Joe - teeth!’

I don’t think withholding screen time is the answer, unless it’s directly related to the task and casually thrown in, e.g. ‘Can I play on the PlayStation?’
’Sure, can you just put your clothes in the basket first?’
It’s clear that he has to do that first, but you haven’t made a big argument about it.

I also find that by staying calm 90% of the time, when you finally lose your shit people sit up and listen 😂.

No tech til jobs are done both before and afterschool. Works well with my 3.

This.

You'll have a struggle starting with an 11 year old, though, if so far they've been able to do as they fancy.

Look into something like GoHenry card. Whilst yes she should be doing these things without monetary incentive, she is at an age where being able to buy things, have independence and doing things with friends will make getting some pocket money an incentive and will likely get the results you’re after. You can set amounts to be earth for tasks and control from your account. Worth a look.

Otherwise, change the Wi-Fi password each day, she only gets the daily password once you’re happy with what she’s completed 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show them pictures of bad teeth (Simpsons Lisa is shown the book of British teeth)
Pretend your don't understand their homework and get them to explain it to you and ask dumb questions, I have been lectured many times on rocks sedimentary, mineral, lava, igneous and I will go what's that rock called again iguana and I get eye rolls and then I get the 'lesson' again that way it reinforces school lessons, they think they're clever because they're teaching you, the downside is it's really boring and you can't play on your phone or do anything while they teach you (it's rude and you don't want to take the enjoyment away)

I had this with my 13 year old.... maybe harsh but this went on for MONTHS!! He was always very helpful helping with washing dishwasher ect then one night it was like a switch!

SO!

I emptied his whole room! Left the bed frame mattress and a blanket..... set him out the oddest combination I could find for clothes each day and gave it to him each morning with his toothbrush,paste and deodorant. Wouldn't get anything else until he done that without argument! Then one day he done it without back chat so he picked what we had for dinner after he got given basics cause he won't do dishwasher ect! Honestly it sounds brutal but he got his basic needs met and the rest he'd to work for! And he saw his siblings doing chores and helping without being asked or having arguments so they got he didn't! That's how life works! Xxx

I’m confused as to when we all started using the American term ‘hamper’ instead of washing basket?

You own all the food, the TV, the Wifi, all the money and the toilet paper 😂

Explain to them why these things are important. Show them articles.
Then take their phones until things are done.
They don't get their phones back at all.
Explain that phones are a distraction and you're taking it off them to help them live a normal life!

I don't know if this is why my dc just do all those basics or if I just got lucky; but I wouldn't get involved with any of that stuff,and haven't for years before 11. No clothes in basket, means clothes aren't washed. No homework would presumably mean they would get a detention at school. I have no idea about face washing but they seem to spend their money on posh cleansers etc so I assume it happens. I think the only one there id worry about is teeth.
If I had been the first to respond, to me this is so strange, that I'd assume there is something else going on. But others have said their dc are the same, so maybe I just got lucky.

I sympathise OP. I have a daughter who would sit in an empty room with dirty clothes on. She is not phased by anything being taken away, even delays to her favourite hobby. On the flip side my friend's son will do anything for a £1 and the thought of losing his pocket money makes him almost regimented. My daughter wouldn't give a fig about money, her devices, wifi - anything.
I'm hoping it gets easier, it's just miserable living in constant battle.

Explain what happens if they don't clean teeth etc (they hurt/rot/bad breath) and also explain consequences if they don't do basic stuff. Like no sweets or puddings. No WiFi. No seeing friends. No clubs. What ever your chosen consequences are. Then follow it through.

It will be tough as they're 11 and to be honest these things should be natural to them by now. They have to genuinely believe you will go through with the consequence, so maybe pick the battle you think you will find easiest and start with that.

At 11 all 4 of my kids (2 adults, 2 teens) looked after their own hygiene well, showers etc never a battle. Their rooms.were a mess, but I can close a door. They knew how make a bed, and would change sheets once a week. They also had chores - washing, dishwasher, laying table, hoovering etc. Whatever I asked of them really. I've just always made it clear that im not a slave and that we all live in the house together so we should all help.