Am I being unfair?

[Strawberry421]

please give me your advice on this. Im at my wits end and I feel so annoyed

so I went back to work part time after my son was born. He’s now 3. My MIL has always looked after him a day a week.

My nephew (her grandson) is of a similar age and they tend to meet up every week with him.
We don’t see the nephew much as everyone’s busy schedules but everytime time we have seen him over the last 2 years , we have seen him hit our son or grab him round the mouth / pull his hair etc.
I get that this happens with kids but im at my final straw now that it’s affecting our son on another level and I know that this must still be happening whilst we aren’t there.

A few weeks ago , the day my MIL had been looking after him, our son was lying in bed on the night time and started saying things like “he’s hit me but he still loves me” which really doesn’t sit right with me as I know that’s come from someone else’s mouth, not from my son and I don’t like the message that’s teaching him.
I’ve asked my mother in law if nephew hit him again and she’s said no they’ve played together lovely (Which I find very hard to believe considering he does it all the time and considering son won’t even go near kids anymore) Hes started to get really frightened around nephew now and cowers down to him or runs off. This behaviour has started to now become a pattern around other boys in my sons nursery and he thinks everyone is going to hit him when they even get close to just play with him , he stands there trying to reassure himself that they aren’t going to hurt him and it’s so painful to watch

I don’t want to hurt my MIL as I know she loves him and only gets to see him once a week because of her work but I’ve had to adjust my work so that she won’t have him as long now as I’m on edge all day . My husband knows it goes on and agrees with me and has expressed to school his concerns but he doesn’t really say much to her as doesn’t want to offend her so it’s basically left for me to deal with which causes a wedge between husband and me now.

son loves nursery and is fine going in there but the teachers have now noticed the behaviour and have obviously asked us about it, to which we have been honest.
They are now concerned and getting an outside source to come in to observe our son to build his confidence around children and work with us as a family. I now have meetings to attend with school and I’m upset about it.

Ive had to tell my mother in law about school and I get that she doesn’t want to think it’s true but she comes in my house basically trying to say that it’s not happening and he is the way he is because he’s “doesn’t like people rushing” or any other reason why , which is a load of BS.
The 6 weeks are coming up and I’m filled with utter anxiety over it knowing he won’t be in nursery and may be with him more.

Am I being unreasonable? I just feel mad , churned up and anxious inside and hurt. I don’t want her to have him anymore but at the same time, I don’t want him to not have a relationship with her. I don’t even want him to not have a relationship with nephew but right now , it’s just not working out. I know she will be hurt if I don’t let her have him a day a week but this can’t carry on
what would you do?

thanks if you’ve got this far xx

It all starts with an honest conversation. Lets be honest we all adore our children and would never want to see them hurt. The "MIL" needs to know that hey, you are the nanny who loves to give everything they want all the time and to never have to tell them off but you also need to employ some form of discipline. My mum loves and adores her grandkids. So much so that my eldest was becoming difficult at home. This was simply because and i quote "Ill tell nanny" "Nanny would let me". Now let me make something real clear here, this was the un easiest yet best conversation/telling off ive given to my mum. I put her in her place and she agreed with me instantly. Everything was much better there after. If the MIL has any form of understanding, then she will do things differently. As stated above though, it starts with an honest conversation. Never be afraid of confrontation when your kids are involved, no matter who it is. If something dont sit right with you then speak up. Your MIL will probably show you more respect for it later.... Also, if nothing changes, have a chat with the nephews parents. Lets be honest, bad behaviour spurs from the source and hey, every parent should beable to hear how much of a shit their kids are just as much as they should be praised as being a good parent. Its called "Balance". Hope this helps....

your sons feelings come above your mils op. You’ll have to be mummy lion here as it’s really affecting your son. Unfortunately your DH isn’t going to deal with this, which must be a real let down. Ds can’t go there if it’s affecting his development which it sounds as though it is. Mil is using poor judgement and can’t be trusted. You know what you need to do op.

I’d stop using MIL as a babysitter if you can’t trust her to care for your son. It doesn’t have to stop her from having a relationship with your child. You just have to make an effort to spend time with her as a family.

Thanks for your opinions guys it’s really appreciated as I’ve not known how to think about this situation so it’s helped clarify my thoughts.
Apologies, i didn’t really make it clear but I have actually had the conversation with my mother in law about how it’s affecting him and how I’m not happy about it but she just is either saying they have got on great (which I don’t believe as my son doesn’t play with any kids) or maybe she just doesn’t want to believe it’s happening
think you’re right that I may have to just see her without the babysitting xx