Parent access to child- help!

[Overthinkinggranny]

Overthinkinggranny · Today 07:41
Hi, could I have opinions please.apologies it’s a long one!!
my daughter and her now ex partner tried for a baby which also included fertility specialists etc
5 months into the pregnancy the father decided to leave and it was discovered he’d been seeing someone else. From that day forward he offered no money and no help through the pregnancy, he showed no interest and forced her to sell their home and go into rented accommodation. Fast forward until baby was born and he saw him 4 days after birth. He then didn’t see him until around 10 months even though he was invited every week. Communication is basically non existent in between irregular visits. He refuses to answer my daughters calls and will not meet her to discuss the little ones needs or access going forward. All he could commit to is one hour per week because he says he’s so busy. This doesn’t happen every week. These irregular visits are awkward because he brings his mother every time so it’s them 2 and my daughter and her son. He refuses point blank to come alone. He doesn’t buy anything for him and pays £46 per week after having altered his wages to show a little income (family business) he actually earns £3-4k per month 😡
in the last month he has seen him for approx 3 hours in total and is now demanding to be allowed to come and pick him up and take him away but won’t say where. This more regular contact only started when his girlfriend announced she is also expecting.
my daughter desperately wants him to have regular contact and for them to bond and she has bent over backwards to facilitate this at every opportunity.
She doesn’t feel comfortable or that it’s in the little ones best interest to go with him yet but would like to build up to this happening.
what would you all do in this situation?

I assume she has claimed maintenance through the CMS. let him take her to court for access if he's that bothered!

Is he on the birth certificate?

Is he named on the birth certificate? It is not reasonable to take a 1 year old away for long periods to a place he doesn't know with a person he has barely met.

I would suggest that she offers to go to an official mediator and discuss a more reasonable approach to contact. That would be the first step in a formal child contact arrangement done through the courts, so if he refuses to do that it would not reflect well on him.

Yes she has

Yes he’s on the birth certificate but doesn’t have his name.
she offered mediation to him last year and he wanted to do it between them because of the cost!

Then I would suggest that she offers him fixed times each week to see their DS, at times that are when he has managed to come before but that importantly also work for her. Then stick to those times, don't allow rearrangements or extensions, and still supervised. If he doesn't show up then tough.

If he doesn't like that, then offer official mediation again, and refuse to make any unofficial changes if he refuses mediation.

I wouldn't be pushing the contact, you cant force the man and it isn't fair on the child or his mental health to be lifted up by a person he hardly knows as and when he fancies.

Let him go to court...

She tried to get him to commit to one night through the weekend then a day over the weekend that he could come. He said he couldn’t commit to specific days because of work. He finishes at 5pm and doesn’t work weekends!

I totally agree but when we spoke to a solicitor she said he absolutely has the right to see him when he wants and how ever often he wants. She agreed it was wrong but also said that is how it is legally in the uk. If dad took him and didn’t return him my daughter would have to fight through court to get him back. It’s all just wrong in this country. We both totally agree that dads should have rights etc but there has to be limits surely :-/

He doesn't have the right to see the DS whenever and for how long he likes. If he took the DS away and refused to return him then you could go to court and get a contact order agreed and enforced. It would be a major negative for him that he had taken the child without discussion and blocked any future contact. Especially as he barely sees the child now and most definitely isn't the primary cater.

Offer the level of contact that you are comfortable with and the offer of mediation if that's not acceptable. If he refuses then let him go to court and see how well that works for him then.

Maybe get a new solicitor too!

What solicitor told her that?! It's nonsense.
I can't understand why she's been chasing him for contact for the past ten months. She's made a rod for her own back. Tell her to stop contacting him and only agree to re start contact after he attends mediation.

2 solicitors actually told us the same. They both said that any court would recommend mediation first but she had to give him access, unless there was evidence to prove that he would be unsafe with him. We also asked about overnight access as he is breast fed, which he absolutely won’t be doing for a long time if at all but we were advised that once he got to a year then 90% of courts would rule in dads favour.
she can’t afford to go to court and the rules around legal aid have changed and she doesn’t qualify. He on the other hand has money and comes from a family with money.

She should offer him access. If he refuses reasonable times or doesn't show up or tries to rearrange at the last minute then that's his issue. She does not have to make herself and her DS available to him whenever he asks at the drop of a hat.