Struggling with being needed all the time

[elliebelliex]

I'm a FTM to a 3 month old little girl. So far I have found the adjustment to becoming a mum really hard. It is a real rollercoaster, some days I can feel things getting easier and then all of a sudden it will feel really difficult again and I will feel so disappointed.
I have always been quite a solitary person, I love my own company and being by myself. My partner is the only person I have found I can be around all the time and I don't ever feel like I 'need' time away from him. He works mon-fri and I stay at home and look after DD during the day. We go to baby sensory every Thursday which I really enjoy, I try and get out the house with her as much as I can but I had a bad time with her once where she just screamed the whole time and it was really overwhelming.
Some days I just feel like I want to be alone, sit in peace and quiet and do my own thing. I end up feeling so frustrated that I've got to look after her, which sounds SO ridiculous because of course she's got to be looked after, but it's just how I feel sometimes. Today is particularly difficult because she won't go down for a nap. This is usually my time when I wind down a little before she wakes up.
She was very much planned, for a few years, and I was very excited to have her but I can't help but feel like I can't be bothered sometimes.
My partner does take her out from time to time, to visit family or just to have some time with her by himself which does give me a few hours peace which I am really grateful for but obviously he can't do this while he's at work. Also I want to spend time with the two of them together as much as possible.
I love her with all my heart but sometimes I do find myself questioning why I wanted a baby so much when I am someone who likes to be alone?

I'm the same. I very much need time alone and quickly feel frazzled and exhausted if I don't get it. I found the baby stage incredibly difficult. I couldn't relax. Bedtime (my bedtime) has always been my favourite time of day but even that was stressful because I knew I'd be woken up several times a day.
Obviously everyone will tell you your DH should take the baby out so you can have time alone. This is true but of course while he's at work it's just you and her.
I'm afraid I have no answers. The only thing that helped me get through each day was by going out a lot because time passed so much more quickly when we were out. We did lots of long walks!
For me the baby stage was just something to be endured. Of course it becomes so much easier. They go to pre-school, to school. You get time to yourself again. Now mine are 10 and 12 and just shit themselves in their rooms. I have loads of time to myself but really miss them!

That should obviously say shut themselves in their rooms! They do not shit themselves!!

It’s really normal and okay to feel this way. I think lots of people struggle with how all consuming a little baby is. I really struggled with losing time to myself to just decompress my brain without thinking about a million and one, seemingly very mundane, things. I also found it quite a lonely time conversely as well. I think lots of people hit a wall at 3 months - the adrenaline and novelty has worn off, you are exhausted and it’s just rinse and repeat of feeding and nappy changes and naps for a little person who still doesn’t really give much back, but is now too alert to just doze in your arms while you watch TV.

Ive personally found it’s got easier and easier as my little one has got older. The days become more structured, naps become less of a challenge the fewer they have and they give you far more back. You just get a let more confident at winging it and accept days of crying when they are less delicate and newborn-ish as well I think. I’ve utterly loved having a toddler compared to a baby.

It’s easy to say when you are in the thick of it but you have had a person, not just a baby. It won’t be like this forever. You are doing really well even though it is really hard.

Thanks for your replies. I am hoping things get easier more often and don't just feel easier for short bursts of time like it does at the moment.
I'm also hoping I just get used to being a mum, I want to enjoy spending time with her and not feel like I need a break from her as much as I do at the moment.

Get into a solid routine so that you don’t have days where you’re left frazzled when everything gets on top of you. I am also a FTM to a 6 month old, and I also like being alone and don’t like surprises. That said, I am alone with her all day, every day; my husband works such long hours. I’ve discovered there is such a thing as too much alone time!

The daily routine has really helped me, and ensures all DD’s needs are met so she doesn’t resort to crying - which I find really overwhelming. Careful planning, to avoid crying, has been my life-saver. Call in help, friends and family night surprise you. Hang in there OP, it gets easier and easier 💐

It's ok not to enjoy the baby stage, I hated it with both of mine. I got through it by having a good routine that got me out of the house every day, usually to a baby group, out for lunch, swimming, baby cinema or whatever. I made friends with others who felt the same and we'd go for long walks or take it in turns to run laps of the park whilst the other one watched the babies. I went back to work before 6 months both times, which was a good decision. Once they are a bit older and less reliant on you it gets easier.

I would say be gentle with yourself and try and lower your expectations a little. It's actually OK (and pretty normal) not to enjoy looking after a baby. It's perfectly normal to need a break. I enjoyed moments of it - like the cuddles, the smiles and watching them sleeping. Also that rush of love you'd occasionally get for the baby. All that was wonderful. However, the general experience of looking after a baby 24/7, having no time to myself and feeling constantly exhausted? No I did not enjoy it! Sadly I just wished away the time until they were older.
Also it's not significantly easier at 3 months so don't feel disheartened if you feel like things aren't improving. They do start to know night from day and that age which helps. But 3 months is TOUGH. You've now had 3 months of sleep deprivation, of your world being turned upside down. Babies are still all over the place at 3 months. You'll have good days and nights and bad days. The first year is actually a roller coaster ride, up and down. You'll feel like she's starting to sleep well then there's sleep regression or teething or colic or whatever.
Just get through it and accept all the help and support from loved ones.
It becomes so much more fun once they're toddlers!

Oh OP, I totally feel your pain! I have a 2 year old now and tbh I HATED the first year and would count down the minutes until my husband would finish work.

some people love the baby stage and some people don’t and it’s completely fine either way. I found it mind numbingly boring and bloody hated all baby classes! Can you get out of the house as much as possible to get chores/life admin done or meet up with friends? I found this made my days much more fulfilling and they went a lot quicker.

We actually also put my son in nursery two days a week to give me some time to myself because I was so at my wits end … is this something you could look into? Can you go back to work sooner rather than later to give yourself some adult time?

just know that it gets easier and easier and once they hit the one year mark they become exponentially more fun. As soon as my son could be left to do his own thing and had his own little personality I suddenly found parenting much more fun! Now I really enjoy being able to do things with him like take him to the garden centre, playing trains with him or even just going to the super market. I think it becomes a lot more rewarding when you actually get something back from them, instead of just this needy lump.

We have our second one arriving in a few weeks and tbh both hubby and I are just looking at the first year as something to be endured.

But I promise you it does become waaay more rewarding and way more fun the older they get!