Advice please - friendships amongst children.

[Pandorasbox2]

Please could I have some advice, we have 2 Children, DS (9) and DD (6). DD is autistic and attends a special school, she is non-verbal, limited understanding, etc. DS has afew autistic traits but copes well with day to day life, we are waiting for an NHS autism assessment for him.

So our DS started school, no children from his nursery went to his school but he quickly made friends with everyone and had a best friend, over the years the children in his class have developed friendship groups and our DS stayed with his best friend and afew others. Our DS suffered alot with bullying especially from his best friend eventually leading to them falling out (long story). A new child started in his class this year and they became best friends over sharing an interest in the same video games. They would spend the day together at school and then play together online when they got home. The new best friend then started playing a different game that our DS didn't like and they haven't really played online since. Also best friend lives in a area where there are lots of children for him to play out with whereas we live in an area where there isn't really any other children. Our DS spends all his free time playing on his computer on his own, we encourage him to spend time with us, offer activities, etc. But he has no interest, it is also very difficult as our DD can be very challenging. He often says he just wants to spend time alone playing games on his computer. He plays games where he makes up his own countries and flags. He has a great imagination and a keen interest in history, geography and languages. His best friend told me he has started refusing to spend time with him during the school day and often choosing to sit on his own away from any other children. I asked him about this and he said he just wants to be alone sometimes.

I'm really worried about how much he is isolating himself. I'm thinking about getting him a private autism assessment and looking more into after school clubs and seeing if I can encourage him to join something. We found a great computer club, who would teach him all about computers but also friendships and the importance of winning and losing but it was £350 per term for one 2 hour lesson per week and we just can't afford that. I also thought that was excessive for here in Yorkshire, am I wrong? Swimming lessons for him used to be £10 per lesson which I thought was great value for money.

Any advice please? Thank you.

Would he enjoy Cubs? My 9 year old loves it.

Mum of autistic kids here. I’m going to talk about your son as if he already has a diagnosis, because having an autistic sibling and having traits himself means he probably is too.

I think it’s important not to apply neurotypical expectations of friendships to autistic kids. I mean what you describe of him wanting to be alone in the playground - that’s OK! Mainstream schools aren’t ideal for autistic kids, even low support needs kids. They’re busy, noisy and overwhelming. I can’t actually blame him for wanting to be alone to decompress and regulate his sensory system. He’s figured that out all by himself, which is smart of him.

You also used the words “isolating himself” which of course sounds horrible but… is he unhappy? He sounds pretty content with his games and hobbies.

As kids move from Reception up to the older years of primary school, the social side of things gets more and more complex. I saw it with my eldest and I saw her struggle to keep up (and about to face it with my youngest and feeling quite nervous about it). But that possibly explains why you saw your son having lots of friends when he was younger - when friendships were pretty simple - compared with now.

So if I have any advice at all it would be to bear in mind that as long as he’s happy with his social life right now, or lack of, that’s OK. Hopefully he will find his tribe once he reaches secondary school. You’re on the right track, trying to find some extracurricular stuff that suits his interests, but £350 a term is insane and I wouldn’t pay that either. I’d also want to get him assessed before secondary school so support can be put in place for the social-emotional side of things.

I don't think so, we were literally going to enrol him when covid hit. At the time his hobbies were nature and wildlife and I was sure he would have loved it but covid happened and then our local group never re opened 😔.

Thank you so much, this is perfect. Yes he is very happy, sometimes he says he feels lonely on a night and we have a cuddle, read a book or watch something together and then he says he's okay. I'm so glad you said that, I expected mum's net to be like "oh no £350 is normal, I pay that all the time" and I'm just being dramatic 😂! We could probably just about afford one term of it but then I don't know if that would do more harm than good him going for one term. If he really loves it he might be more upset that he can't continue. I've sent an email to a private company his headteacher recommended so hopefully we'll get something sorted for him. Thank you.