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Parenting

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Original poster

I don't like you

17 replies

Allthatjazz234 · 04/07/2023 08:25

I am a SAHM to my 1 and 3 year old DDs. Today was my partners first day back.at the office after a week off. After he was gone, my 3 year old said "I don't like you, you're mean". It came out of nowhere really, I hadn't disciplined her or anything she just got angry all of a sudden. Prior to this she had been acting like a baby. This doesn't happen often so I go along with it, giving her cuddles and whatnot. Now she just keeps saying I want daddy.

For context, I have been very worried recently about our relationship. She is very much a daddy's girl. He puts her to bed every night and goes to her if she wakes while I stay with 1 year old. If she gets hurt she goes to him for comfort not me. I tried to give as much attention as possible doing things she likes baking, gardening, crafts. I plans nice things to do for us. I think I am a fairly present mother. But for some reason she picks my partner every time. Don't know where I'm going wrong.

OP posts:

tescocreditcard · 04/07/2023 08:30

It's perfectly normal. It's a stage. Next time she says it respond with "that's not a nice thing to say to mummy" and then quickly distract her with something else.

Cynicaltheorist · 04/07/2023 08:31

I'm not a mother but I was the eldest child by 22 months (so possibly a similar age difference to your two) and family lore has it that my nose was really put out of joint when I was usurped as the one-and-only child in the family. I can imagine that you're having to give a lot of attention to your one-year-old and perhaps she's aware that you're a bit more focussed on the baby than on her. She'll grow out of it, but she was used to having all your attention and now she doesn't. Also perhaps she takes out her unconscious annoyance at her DF going off to work and not being there for her on you. You're the adult: you just suck it up and carry on caring for her.

CherryLipgloss · 04/07/2023 08:33

It's really normal for children to go through a stage of wanting one parent more than the other. When I was a SAHM my DD was a massive daddy's girl and would always choose to be with him if given the option. She's now 15yo and we are really close, we have a very strong relationship.

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Covidcabana · 04/07/2023 08:42

It's tough to hear but completely normal and developmentally appropriate. It always helps me to remember that feelings of toddlers are often temporary and that as a primary carer/attachment figure we're the safe people to test things out on.

If it helps, at 3 my daughter told me "you've ruined my life" 😂 I thought I'd have to wait until teenage years for that one!

My daughter and I have a great relationship but now that she's 4 and a half I get told I'm the worst Mummy regularly if she's upset. I always say it's OK for her to feel like that, she can feel however she likes but what won't change is that I'll always love her. If it's in response to being told not to do something I also say that it's OK if she doesn't like me right now because as a Mummy my most important job is keeping her safe.

abmac95 · 04/07/2023 08:48

Just tell her you don't like her either....

Just joking!

Odile13 · 04/07/2023 08:49

I wouldn’t read too much into it. My 3 year old has said things like that to me and goes through phases of preferring daddy and then switches again. I have learnt to not let it bother me and to just be quite breezy about it.

Jogonmagpies · 04/07/2023 08:49

You had the audacity to have another child meaning that she is no longer the centre of your universe. I'm presuming you do more with the baby. So she gets DH's undivided attention. Whereas she needs to share you.

GoldDuster · 04/07/2023 08:50

"Well I like you, you're my favourite DD Name, what are you feeling sad about?"

It's a phase, don't take it personally.

SoWhatEh · 04/07/2023 08:52

It's a really standard behaviour. They are testing your reliability. I just used to say: That is a shame, because I LOVE you, and give them a kiss.

If they persisted (sometimes did) I'd say, 'I am sad now because you don't like me. I love you.' Just to show them that how they behave has an impact on others. But I didn't milk it.

Sure enough after an hour or so of playing, they'd come and fling their arms around me and say, 'I LOVE you mummy!' and then I'd say, 'Yay! It's much more fun to love people who love us, isn't it?'

Jogonmagpies · 04/07/2023 08:53

I hit post too soon. I had a two year age gap so I totally get it. DS1 was a lot closer with DH when he was little and DS2 was closer with me.

They're 10 and 8 now. They like whichever parent will let them have their own way best now. They also both complain that I prefer the other child. They both have different personalities and different needs (DS1 is autistic) so we do need to parent them differently. But DH and I are both close with them both now.

Although they always come to me for snacks. 😆

VivaVivaa · 04/07/2023 08:54

This is completely normal. Daddy is a novelty so I suspect that’s why she seems to ‘prefer’ him. Especially as he can give her all his attention while you had to divide yourself to look after the baby. Putting that aside, 3 yos also love to say things to exert authority and see what reaction they get. My 3 yo regularly says ‘I don’t love you mummy’ when I tell him I love him. It’s clear he’s testing the water and seeing how all these relationships work. It’s nothing to worry about I don’t think, just carry on being loving and breezy about it.

Monstermoomin · 04/07/2023 10:24

My just turned 4yo tells us she doesn't like us, we're being mean, we're horrible etc. And now has started with "I wish you weren't alive" which when we've said we don't think she means if she really understood that etc, she just says she does and she wouldn't miss them (which everyone of us she's directing it to).

I figure it's a phase that will likely return as a teenager 🤷

Sleepysaurus2 · 04/07/2023 10:31

I really really wouldn’t respond with anything like “that’s not a nice thing to say”. When toddlers say “I hate you”, “I don’t like you”, “you’re so mean” etc they do not literally mean what they say. Your DD is just communicating her emotions and needs and testing how you will respond. Try and respond with empathy and curiosity e.g “hmm, I wonder why you feel that way?” Or “it sounds like you’re feeling quite cross”. Toddlers need to know that your love it unconditional and their feelings are accepted. Your toddler absolutely loves you and her language simply communicates some big emotions. Saying “that’s not nice” just shuts down an opportunity for connection.

JulieHoney · 04/07/2023 10:35

It’s normal, don’t take it to heart, OP - especially when there’s a new baby.

”That’s ok, I love you anyway,” was my general response to it.

They need to feel safe and loved even when they are being ‘unlovable’.

knottsberryfarm · 04/07/2023 10:39

Yes this is normal. It doesn’t mean she does not like you she is just missing daddy at that moment but does not know how to say it.

Like others I used just reply “that’s ok I like you”

Take the time to have extra cuddles with the baby!!

BreviloquentBastard · 04/07/2023 10:44

It's a phase, my daughter was a total daddy's girl when she was little too. Only ever wanted him and would get a right strop on when he was away with work.

She's 15 now and we have a great relationship. Try not to worry about it too much!

Original poster

Allthatjazz234 · 05/07/2023 22:15

Thanks everyone for all the responses. She seemed frustrated so she was definitely annoyed about daddy going back to work but I told her I love her and didn't make a big deal even though it definitely did sting at the time! Within half an hour she came over and cuddled me on the couch which she actually rarely does, she's not a cuddly child.

I'm kind of wondering in terms of the sibling thing, which is definitely a factor if there is anything I can do or should be doing to make her feel more secure? I definitely need to make more time for individual time with DD1. She also comments on DD2s hair which is curly and says its cuter than hers. Any ideas?

OP posts:

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