Fear of baby crying while out- struggling with naps!

[LouWhit1]

Hello! First time mum to a beautiful 12 week boy :) but looking for a bit of advice. Having a lot of trouble with baby being difficult to get down for a nap- it takes a lot of effort to get there and in the process he can really cry. And if he misses his naps he's awfully grouchy and overtired by the evenings so I do actively try to get him to take them! In order to get him to nap I'm currently having to go to a darkened room with him in the carrier as soon as he shows sleepy cues, play white noise on my phone and bob around making additional 'shush' sounds and with a dummy also to hand just in case. Sometimes it works like a charm and he drops off super calmly within 5 minutes! Other times he really cries (like screams) and eventually lapses into sleep after about half an hour-45 minutes of doing this. It's starting to make me anxious to leave the house to be honest- because wherever I am I'm conscious that after feeding I'll only have 30-40 odd minutes or so and then I'll need to go and find somewhere quiet to do the whole soothing process and it could involve him screaming his little head off in the process 🥲. Is this normal? I'm worried I might be doing something wrong with the whole soothing process to cause such tears 🥲 but as I say other times he's perfectly content with it and it works really well!
And then my other worry is how to manage getting out of the house at all around this... Our 'routine' (if you can call it that!) at the moment is he wakes, I feed straight away, we play, then I begin the (stressful) soothing routine. If I have to leave the house I tend to wait until I've got him to sleep- then that means that wherever I go I can rely on about 30 mins sleep time, then he'll need to feed which is fine, don't mind breastfeeding in public, but then I'll be starting to panic about how and where to enact the soothing routine. It's not something that I can really do in a busy cafe, for example! Is this also just normal, or is there anything that I can do to make going out a little easier? As I say, fear of him crying and having to struggle through the soothing to sleep process out and about is currently making me anxious to leave the house :(. Thanks so much xx

Just to add- I'm sometimes a bit disheartened when meeting friends with similar aged babies that their babies just seem to naturally nod off on their laps, whilst I have such a long-winded palaver trying to get my bubs to sleep :(. Very rarely would he just settle and nod off on me like that of his own accord! Just worried that it might be something that I'm doing wrong?

Doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong! You’re doing great, you’ve found something that sometimes works. I’d say “yes” to the “is this normal”. Babies keep us on our toes! They make it all up as they go along depending on what mood they’re in.

I can assure you that everyone with a baby has something that gives their parents a headache. For most of them that’ll probably be napping, but at a different stage than they are now. Your baby won’t always be like this either. Everything’s a phase. Can you feed him to sleep? Even if you don’t like doing it at home, survival when you’re out is important.

I think firstly, important to say that you don’t have to leave the house. Don’t put pressure on yourself to. But I appreciate you may want to. Start slow. Ease yourself into it. Pick somewhere that you can leave if you need to. Pick a friend that will help you instead of putting pressure on you.

What would be your ideal scenario on going out? What’s the goal?

I don’t think I left the house with my twins last year between the ages of 2.5 months and 6 months. I just found it all too stressful. Probably just managed to get my eldest to the park once a week when the stars aligned. After that they fell into a much easier routine with actual chunks of time when they didn’t actively need something. They start sleeping longer too which helps! There’s less naps. As in, probably still the same nap time in total, but spread across a couple of big naps as opposed to loads of little ones.

Will he drop off if he's in the pram?

Could you look at wake windows for your little ones age? It helped me work out when ds needed helped to sleep and the optimum time to try it at. We normally try to be back home or at least in the car for his nap times but on hol recently we used a snoozeshade and the sensory deprivation of the darkness really helped him fall asleep in his pram. Don't be disheartened we've all walked a squealing baby around feeling the heat at least once!

Buy him a dummy, plonk him in the pram and get out and about with him. If he sleeps, he sleeps. If he cries, he cries.

My eldest DS cried literally all of the time. Would nap the grand total of 30 mins a time and would only sleep at night. I had awful anxiety around him crying when I was out, day time naps etc and wouldn't leave the house with him until he was four months old. My anxiety was that bad. Eventually DH told me I needed help and encouraged me to get anti-depressants which helped enormously.

When I had my youngest, I had a toddler as well so there wasn't really opportunity to pander to my own anxiety. Youngest DS literally did just have to go in the pram and get on with it.

I never figured out sleep with my first but don't think I left the house much before 4mo anyway. If it's working for you go with it! If it's annoying you then risk going out

Hmmm, congratulations 🥳 op.

He is still tiny.

I was wild about naps with dd1, but had no success. Dd2. Had to just sleep or not sleep, and I would snuggle at night, dd3, same.

I hated people saying that to me with my first, but seriously, I wasted so much time at that stage trying to force sleep.

Now, ie, 18 months to four years old, on occasion, that's when I need to be strict about naps.

You sound similar to me, so yes I think this is all normal. Some people are bolder / their babies quieter, but I was mortified, absolutely mortified, when my DS would cry instead of or before a nap when we were out. He can SCREAM! And I know a lot say "babies cry" but my word, when it's my baby, I don't know if I'm just tuned into him more, or if he really does cry stronger, longer and louder than any other baby! Maybe ours do cry harder, or maybe we're thinner skinned than some, but it sounds normal to me.

Re-reading this, it all sounds so past tense. For context, my DS is only 9 months and I make sure we're at home for his 2 naps as he fights pram/car naps like they're the enemy. He naps beautifully in his cot though.

As for advice, I muddled through with a terrible sleeper, despite watching wake windows and sleepy cues till we sleep trained at 6 months. It was the best thing for the entire family. If you're open to it, Lucy Wolfe's method worked for us. Covers naps and night sleep with tips for babies under 6 months, though she does recommend sleep training no earlier than 6 months.

Just do whatever works for you and yours.

Have you tried doing less, all the fussy sleepers I've had ended up sleeping better with less fuss. Normal room normal noise level and just shhh or rub. It's more about the sleep time than what you do miss the signs and they are over tiered.
When your out and relaxed you may find sleep easier nobody who counts minds baby crying.

I have much older children now, but I do remember the early stages.

I remember the mums I was friends with at the time, and one of them was very worried about sleep and nap times and getting these things just right for sleep. She didn't come out with us very much and she missed out on quite a bit for herself. The rest of us had our babies in prams or slings or on laps and just made it up as we went along. Sometimes it went horribly wrong but we were able to go out and socialise much more easily.

I would really try to get over the feeling that your baby needs to nap at certain times, because if you are bf-ing you can just feed him to sleep and if he doesn't sleep and starts to cry, you can just bf to soothe him anyway.

Sleep routines are really just a prison for mums.

I think you should try to chill out a bit. Forget all about scheduled naps etc, you’ve got the 4 month regression coming up and babies struggle with routine until about six months.

I hated being stuck in on my own , whenever I had days like that on mat leave, it’s not good for you. As someone else said get a dummy and go out asap. Get up, feed, get ready and go out straight away - walk / baby group / supermarket/ coffee shop etc. Your baby will probably love being outside and the fresh air will help, and if they cry it doesn’t matter, that’s what babies do! If you’re having a coffee and your baby starts crying just put the dummy in and you can always walk around outside for a bit if you need to. Baby will fall asleep when tired enough.

Also agree sometimes fussy babies actually are just over stimulated and need a bit of quiet time alone for a couple of mins.

Hey Op, does he not fall asleep at the boob?
That's the only way my son would sleep for the first 12 months which was fine with me.

Although he would cry hysterically every night around 6:30/7pm regardless of feeds so we always had to be home by then for my own sanity, so I get it.

Thanks so much, everyone! Really helpful. I think I probably do need to chill out about it more...I just worry that if I miss his sleepy cues and be ends up missing or being very late for a nap because he needs help getting there then the hysterics would be even worse...! For those whoe mentioned falling alseep on the boob- what do you do about burping? I always try to burp at the end of the wind in case he gets windy but that inevitably wakes him up? Will try to just get over the fear of crying and get out and about more regardless!! Thank you x

My 6 week old baby is really hard to get to sleep at the moment, but he's my second and I'm just rolling with it. It's actually easier to get out the house as he sometimes falls asleep and stays asleep after a car journey, or just walking around in the carrier. It's much harder staying at home for me, especially if my eldest is at home too.

I think just bite the bullet and see how it goes - what's actually the worst thing that could happen?

My kids weren't gassy. Sounds awful but I only burped one of them once. My friend's child the same age would get really upset until he was burped. Can you see which way yours is inclined, as if they're happily asleep after a feed I wouldn't disrupt it with my children.

Do you have a sling? Or a carrier? They can be very soothing too and convenient.

My first would only fall asleep cosleeping, on the boob, in the carrier or in the pram and later buggy.

Good luck. The first bit is hard. Getting used to feeding, changing and consoling out and about is an huge learning curve but I promise it gets much easier surprisingly quickly.

Regarding the 'soothing routine' what would happen if you just, did less?

After a few days, baby would find a different way to fall asleep - whether that be in the pram, in the car, in a cot, or just on you without the bouncing and shushing.

We do often get ourselves all tied up with what we think the baby needs to be able to sleep but when we break the cycle for a few days they ALWAYS surprise you.

At that age, I think I was practicing a nap in the crib (often failed but the practice paid off in the end), a nap in the pram/car (so we could get out), and a contact nap in bed together or in the sling.

Always time a journey out with a nap as the motion puts them to sleep, and then you feed on arrival and have some awake time before they need to nap again (at this point if it's a nightmare, you can just leave).

It's all super normal though 😊

Re the burping, when my little one (now 6 months) was that age a breastfeeding peer supporter at a baby group questioned if I needed to burp him after he fell asleep on the boob. I was like " err yes of course he does" but then realised around that time that wind wasn't really bothering him anymore and he could bring up his own burps so she was right and I stopped bothering

In fact, going on holiday at this age is always a great idea as it shakes up all your ideas!

Try and think “what’s the worst that could happen?”
Worst thing is baby cries and misses a nap. Nobody will think your baby is as loud as you do, everyone is tuned in to their own kid. How many times have you really noticed another baby crying in public? It happens all the time but because they aren’t yours and it’s not your job to soothe them it doesn’t affect you in the same way.
Nobody else will mind if your baby cries.

For example at the weekend we took DD to a park to meet her cousin, DS would usually nap in his pushchair but it wasn’t pushchair accessible so we put him in the carrier (he’s not been in it for a while so not used to it any more). He got a bit grumpy once he was tired, I fed him, bounced around in the carrier. He eventually caved about 2 hours after he would usually be asleep but he didn’t spend that whole time crying. There was nothing stopping him from sleeping expect himself 🤷‍♀️ he’s no worse the wear for it.

DD had a fabulous time and DS had one long nap and a slightly early bedtime instead of two naps.

For those whoe mentioned falling alseep on the boob- what do you do about burping?

I’ve had two reflux babies, both EBF. I never burped either of them if they fell asleep on the boob.

Keep an eye on baby’s wake windows and ensure they’re getting enough stimulation in between.

Thanks so much all, such good advice. Thinking what's the worst that could actually happen is definitely helpful too! One last question then that's me reassured! 😂 What do you do if baby cries in the car? Would you carry on driving through it until they fell asleep- or pull over to see if you could nurse them off (that's what I've been doing!). And if you'd just carry on driving through it- how long would it be okay to let them cry for before you did end up finding somewhere to stop do you think? Sorry- such a learning curve! Thanks again!

I keep driving, it never took that long for mine to fall asleep.

In fact, if he started crying in the car, that was actually a sign he was about to fall asleep shortly after.

How long really depends on if I knew why he was crying, if it was a really serious distressed cry and he doesn't fall asleep after 5 minutes then I would maybe pull over because that would be unusual, and honestly has only happened maybe twice in his life.

If he was just tired crying then I would probably just press on for as long as practical. There's going to be times where you can't just pull over, for safety reasons or time restrictions.

Burping - never did. Ds was born overseas and they don’t burp routinely and babies seem fine

Car - if he’s been fed and changed and I needed to go somewhere I would just drive through crying. As probably tired. Would probably pull over after 15 mins if needed as crying and driving I find hard

Maybe they also don’t need such small
sleep windows. You say they wake, feed 30 ish mins, play 30 ish mins, then you try next nap? Mine would no way be ready to nap 1hr after last nap. At 3 months more like 2-3hrs after waking

Don't compare yourself to your friends - I had one that would happily doze off in the pram as soon as she was tired, and another that was just like yours. Just do what you need to to get through.

Thanks everyone :) so helpful! Xx