Teen and holiday

[bruhbruh]

To keep it simple, my 15 year old is adamant he is not coming for a small holiday. He says it's boring and he's not coming and I can't make him.

Dh says tell him we'll remove phones/Wi-Fi etc if he doesn't get on board.

Have you ever been in this situation? I can't physically force him to come with us, also can't leave him at home (is that a thing?). And I'm reluctant to make threats about devices, I'm struggling with our relationship atm and it just feels like adding fuel.

I feel really stuck. Just once I wish he'd be less moody/grumpy, be slightly amenable and come away without a fight.

How often do you take him on holidays that don't interest him? Do you ever take him on holidays he enjoys?

Did he have any input into planning the holiday? Can he still have input? Telling someone they are doing something whether they like it or not is not the way to make good relationships. Nor is punishing them because they dare to dissent.

We haven't been for a while. It's the first time we've been away for ages so I was really looking forward to it. Last holiday was America. This is more local, we can't really afford something like that right now.

So what is there to do on the holiday that the teen will enjoy? Sell it to him.

He had some input at the time, he said he'd 'chill' at the hotel if we wanted to sightsee. I said that's fine. Now he's saying he doesn't want to go full stop.

Unless I spend money I don't have, I can't give him control of where we go.

Can you find a way to have something in the holiday that will be fun for him? I’d try not to get into the “you can’t make me - yes I can” type battle which I think you also want to avoid.
I would be saying to him that no you can’t make him, but you’re more than happy to make sure there’s something he wants to do as part of the holiday and if the rest of the time he just wants to sit in the accommodation on his phone or games console then that is fine
Other option is could he bring a friend? That’s how we make trips more fun for my teen.

OK, so is there a single thing on the holiday he wants to do? When he said he could "chill" while you did sight seeing, I guess he was not assuming it would be every day, which your last post sounds like it is. If you've truly planned a holiday that contains nothing that interests him, I can see why he doesn't want to go.

My son was like this, but I said he had to come with as he was too young to leave on his own and he didn’t want to stay with Grandparents. He liked his food, so he only came out of hotel room for food and when we went out he ordered room service. Is there any friends or relatives he could stay with whilst you go.

He's very introverted and doesn't like crowds or lots of people. So it was booked with this in mind. I'm sure he would have liked a fancy resort with a private pool, but that isn't on the cards.

He can go for walks, play music and game the same way he would at home. Given the planning that went into it with him in mind I don't know how to tackle it. I have other kids to consider, and it was hard to strike a balance of what was going to suit everyone.

I'm sure we'll enjoy it regardless, but it stings a little to know we're going somewhere out of the way for his comfort only for him not to come.
I want him to be a part of family things but I don't want big arguments. I'm worried if I don't push him enough to stay included in our family life he will one day regret it and be angry that I let him disengage. On the other side of that, I also worry he'll resent me for not giving him the space he wants!

Did he kick up a fuss?

Yes, he did, but after telling him holidays are for all of us and that he couldn’t stay behind he agreed.

Bottom line: he is still totally reliant on you so he comes along.
Get DH on side and present a United front.
Yes he has stay in room etc but he goes.

@bruhbruh any special interests ? Given I assume you’d be paying some fees for sightseeing, could you give him a smaller budget and put him on TripAdvisor to choose something ? Example if introverted he may like scuba diving (do be very clear with the budget bc I gave an example I do, and definitely can be very expensive, it’s a treat outing for me ; if at a popular location do look at prices at calmer places close, that’s what I do, compare them all and take the bus for an hour if need be, what you get is the same really). Or if he would like to choose a more expensive local food type restaurant to experiment just with one of you (to keep costs down). There’s lots of options.

If you’re willing to post more information I might be able to help more, my mum and younger brother had zero consideration for me for family holidays after my ptsd (we have a complicated family history though, my brother is 7yrs younger and I spent half my childhood with my grandparents ; we were quite a bit older, as in my brother your DS age, and my mum has her own MH issues, and to this day he still walks all over her especially for money, and I’m considering courts for POA (which she wants to give me, but wants me to step up as the villain…sigh). Anyway, after two years of being screamed at by both on holiday (I was wasting money they’d say - I did say I didn’t want to come), I started saying no point blank at booking : when she realised (I love anything nautical and was in long uni training so she figured something was off) she did switch to adapt a lot to me to be fair, but resulting in huge rows with him.

Sorry that was much longer than intended, I’m not native and really struggle with summarizing in English. Hope it at least makes you feel better that there’s worse! On a more practical note, I may have suggestions about what he might like depending on the criteria