DD(2.5) telling people to 'go away'

[MissHoney85]

DD is 2.5 with very good language skills. For a while now she's had a bit of an obsession with telling people to 'go away' in quite a cross way. I'm not sure where it's come from as obviously she is never told to go away at home! She says it a lot to DH, also to other children - if I ask her what she's done at preschool she will often tell me she said 'go away' to someone, and that they cried! She even gets her toys to say it to each other as she plays with them.

I know toddlers go through phases and she's just experimenting with relationships and interactions, but it really bothers me. I don't want her getting addicted to the drama of being mean to people, or to think that it's ok to speak to people like that. DH is also very hurt by it, though he doesn't let on to her. She just randomly says it to him whenever he walks in the room, which he tries to laugh off but it's quite upsetting.

Initially I was quite laid back about it, I didn't really respond apart from a brief "oh poor daddy / other child / toy" and modelling something nice to say. As it's gone on longer I've tried to clamp down harder on it but I'm also wary of feeding the behaviour with too much negative attention. She gets so much positive attention and is so showered with love, I just want her to be the lovely girl I know she is! Will she just grow out of it in time, or is there something I'm missing?!

Mine is the same age and has just started this - as far as I know only to me or his dad but he could well be doing it at nursery too, I shall ask today!

I’ve also been told firmly ‘don’t sing, mummy’ and we get endless ‘not this one’ when he wants to watch Mr Tumble and often just ‘no’ followed by various nouns (no drink, no yoghurt, no tea …)

To be fair her preschool haven't actually mentioned her doing it there. I don't know if she actually says it to other children or just likes to tell me that she does. It's the glee and pride she takes in telling me about it that's slightly unsettling and I'm not sure if / how to directly address without feeding the flames. "No" has been a favourite word of hers for a while, which I guess is standard toddler stuff!

Mine is the same age and recently went through a short phase of saying "[person] stinks!" while grinning and waiting for a reaction. At first it was just her teddies, so we kinda laughed and said "aww, poor teddies!", but we realised our mistake when she started saying it about people. At that point we got quite strict and started saying sternly "That's not a nice thing to say. You'll make him/her sad."

She got the message pretty quick and now instead says "I eat [name]! Omnomnom!" Which we again laugh at and say "Oh no, poor [name]! You'll be very full if you do that." since it's unlikely someone would be offended at such an outlandish claim. I'm happy to say she's never actually tried to eat anyone!

I think it's good to be a little bit stern/cross when toddlers say unkind/rude things. 99.9% of the time they're just looking for attention/a reaction, and don't mean it.

That's useful @CoalCraft, thanks. I generally take quite a laid back approach and started off ignoring it / doing some gentle talk about feelings but have now started to respond more sternly to it. She often giggles when I do this so I'm not 100% sure it's working but hopefully with consistency she'll start to get it.

Mine never seems much phased by the sternness either, frustratingly, but it isn't the "oh, haha, poor...." reaction she's looking for so she stops after a while.

Surely she's is old enough to be told its rude and unkind?

She is old enough to be told it. She is probably not old enough to fully understand or comprehend it, and it could become a vicious circle where she learns it gets her attention so carries on doing it.

If it was as simple as telling a child not to do something none of us would have any issues at all

Does she have any consequences at all for upsetting her dad?

The giggling might be a sign that she is embarrassed rather than she finds the telling off funny. It is quite normal for small children to laugh when told off as they aren't sure what to do.

I’d be interested to know what consequences you think would be effective with a child this age. That’s not a snark answer, I genuinely would be interested.

Since she's already role-playing it with her toys, you could try doing a bit more role play? e.g. get her to think about how the toys feel if they get told to go away, or how they feel if they say it and then all the other toys actually do go away, etc.

Doesn't sound like she's actually associating the phrase with something/person actually going. Maybe when she's role playing with teddy you can join in and help teddy go away. Teddy probably doesn't want to play with people who make them cry so can go somewhere away for a while to feel better. Maybe with daddy and they can have lots of lovely fun within earshot.

Yes I do sometimes do the acting out with toys thing (e.g. playing the part of the toy that's been told to go away and saying I'm sad, I don't like it, making her say sorry etc), but wonder now if that's just making it more of a game.

In terms of consequences, I would genuinely like any ideas! If she says it to another child in front of me then I just remove her straight away. Sometimes if the behaviour is obviously coming from a place of tiredness then I say she needs a rest and take her to her bedroom for some quiet time. I don't shut her in or anything, I stay with her. But obviously if she's not in the mood for that then it's hard to enforce without it escalating into a whole other battle, which seems a bit out of proportion.

@MissHoney85 Hiya am in same boat. My DS tells me to go away and he does same to other little people at park/soft play etc. He also alternates it with 'shut up' 😓(genuinely not sure where he's got that one from). He's 2y2m. To be honest we are currently dealing with a horrible scratching/biting phase (mainly me) so him saying those things is almost the least of my worries (!!) and weirdly relieved to hear other kids saying these naughty things (sorry none of this is helpful but makes me feel a bit more normal!). Anyway I digress. I expect she is enjoying the power of language and the reactions she is yielding so I would ignore and redirect. I expect like everything it is a phase x

I'd probably make the toy who's been told to go away actually go away. Then if she wants it back it will come back but she needs to be nicer to it.

Look up Theory of Mind. This considers when children are able to understand the thoughts and feelings of others. 2.5 is too young for children to have worked this out. I think it is around 4 they start to get this concept.

I'd try not to pathologise it, it's highly likely just a phase, in which case it will pass.

One of mine used to growl at strangers which was embarrassing at times.

I don't want her getting addicted to the drama of being mean to people This is fanciful or to think that it's ok to speak to people like that she won't think this if you tell her when a bit older and take care to model kindness.
DH is also very hurt by it, though he doesn't let on to her. She just randomly says it to him whenever he walks in the room, which he tries to laugh off but it's quite upsetting. It is not appropriate to laugh it off, he is reinforcing it, he should either ignore it or say 'it is not kind to say that'.

We get similar and ' I want x to go home now' and mummy / daddy is a meany type comment I usually ignore if it's just directed at me and husband