Feeling guilty for feeling overwhelmed with 11wk old - is this normal?

[BBmybaby]

FTM here and I have a lovely 11wk old DS. I love spending time with him during the day. However, it's just me and him. We don't have family around and DH works long hours at a stressful job. He helps out when he is home but I feel bad for him because it's from one job to the next for him. Because of this, I take on most tasks revolving around DS and at times this feels like it's too much. Today was one of those days, and after not a particularly great night, I woke up crying because DS was crying and would only stop if I held him and moved around which I felt too tired to do.

I'm now sat here feeling guilty for behaving this way. DH has had to go to work with me crying and I feel bad for worrying him and being such a dampener.

Just seeking thoughts on whether these moments of feeling overwhelmed as a FTM with no family support :) and any advice on how to cope, of course!

These feelings are totally normal, especially after a long night. Babies go through phases where they want to be attached to you. Can you get a sling or a baby bouncer so he can be with you if you have to do stuff in the house?

Try and find some nice baby groups in your area so you can get out and about with other mothers (who I can guarantee feel exactly the same!) When the weather is decent, get out with the pram and get you both some fresh air, go to the park perhaps?

Being overwhelmed and teary is totally normal too. Don't feel guilty about DH helping with the baby, he's his dad. Just make sure you give him his full night's sleep when you can and I'm sure he'll be able to help when he's not got any work the next day.

Being a first time mother is such a shock, you go from being this carefree person to someone who has to keep another human alive, it's a daunting and intense journey, but I promise it will get easier. Have you got a routine going with DS yet? If not may be worthwhile looking at a routine where DS has a nap or two in the day and you can chill or catch up on some sleep. Try not to worry about housework so much, for now just do the minimum.
I'm currently pregnant on my third (and last!).

Of course it's normal. Don't feel guilty. My youngest is 18, so I will leave it to other posters to come along with good advice, but totally usual. Cliche but be kind to yourself. This too shall pass.

It’s completely normal. Sending you a big hug and it does get better, I promise.

Totally normal :)
As someone else has said, check out any local baby groups - Bookbug, toddler groups (the one I went to had an area set up for smaller babies and I took DD when she was a few months old). Even getting out for a walk on a daily basis can help.

Trust me, you're doing a fab job and your baby boy loves you to pieces :)

Totally normal. Becoming a mother is amazing but overwhelming.

I agree on days like this it can help to get out. A simple drop in tea and chat baby group could help you reset.

Sometimes it just takes a change of scene to help us feel more balanced .

Alternatively have a duvet day together. Put on something you like on the telly. Grab the food and drinks and snuggle together.

It is totally normal.

I notice though that you said your DH “helps” out but feel bad about that.

Stop that train of thought right now. Immediately 😁

He isn’t helping you, he is parenting. You are also doing the equivalent of a full time stressful job including nights, whilst recovering from pregnancy and birth,

Your DH needs to do this with you.

It's taken you 11 weeks to feel overwhelmed?! Christ, think I was closer to 11 hours.

Seriously, it's really fucking hard to have a baby.

Your DH absolutely needs to parent his child, he doesn't get to slack off just because he has a demanding job. When he's home, he needs to be making sure he's doing things that help you - whether that's taking the baby for a few hours so you can sleep, doing night wakenings (easier if you're not BFing but even if you are he can do nappies and settling), cooking dinner, cleaning up, whatever.

You should both be in this together. He doesn't get to continue with life as it was before while you flounder.

Totally normal. I cried a lot. Baby groups were my lifeline as they meant I got some routine into getting out of the house and meeting other mums who were all saying similar things. Second time round I struggled as some baby groups didn’t allow toddlers so had to fine different ones I could take both to - toddler was at nursery fro free mornings as she was 3 so also had the challenge of getting her there for 9am.

Totally normal, I experienced this and then some. What sticks out for me from your post is you feeling guilty for putting a dampener on your husband's mood though. You shouldn't feel guilty... parenting is a shared endeavour (where there are two parents). I think you should have a conversation about splitting parenting duties evenly. Yes he may work in a stressful job but so do you - you are at home looking after a baby all day with no break. Just because you don't get paid for it doesn't mean your time is less valuable than his. And if you're taking on the burden of childcare now, what happens when you go back to work, and later on when they are in nursery, school etc? You'll end up becoming the default parent. If you split things more evenly, you will not feel so overwhelmed.

It is COMPLETELY normal to be overwhelmed especially when you're not sleeping. Everything seems worse when you haven't had much kip!

Honestly though - keep an eye on the way you're feeling, if you think that you are having more bad days than good it might be worth going to the doctor or health visitor and having a chat. I had PND and left it ages before I admitted it. They were really helpful and gave me some anti-Ds which helped me a lot - my brain that wasn't making the right amount of serotonin, and the tablets helped me to regulate this. I felt miles better and more able to deal with my daughter when she was having one of those days.
My fingers are crossed for a better nights sleep for you tonight xx

Completely normal, it's so hard with no sleep.

Get a gliding nursing chair, it was a god send at 2am, the motion was enough for little one to feel content and I got to sit down and close my eyes without falling over.

You are doing great!! I'm sure most people feel exactly the same way

It’s 100% normal and you’ve done amazingly to get to 11 weeks!!

FTM too and I have a 6 month old and by week 2/3 I was crying daily saying “why did I think I could do this?” “I should of waited another year!” - tbh I’m only just feeling like I’m getting the hang of it but everytime I do something floors us eg sickness, busy schedules etc.

I still cry tbh, I have a none sleeping baby (hasn’t slept more then 2 hours in 6 months) and I went to baby class and babs had a poo explosion and I’d forgot to pack a spare outfit - I sobbed 😂😂 the lack of sleep tipped me over the edge.

I used to eyeroll when people said it’s the hardest job in the world but now I fully appreciate how hard it all is 😂.

Oh goodness it is overwhelming. And it not just the looking after of a tiny person it’s all the changes going on in your body. If you are feeling teary more often you can talk to your go or health visitor re PND.

Your DH will be fine.

Hey Mama 🤍
I have a 9 week old DS also a FTM. so so normal to feel how you do- having someone depend on you for literally everything, day and night is hard work. Never
mond adding in sleep deprivation. Be kind to yourself- I keep reminding myself thay I’ll miss these days in a couple of years xx

Totally normal! I felt exactly same and I had my 2nd 14mths ago after losing 4 babies and despite forever being grateful for having her I have questioned myself and find having 2 hard and frustrating especially after our 1st was nearly 5 and getting independent

It really does take a village to raise children so don't feel the slightest bit guilty for feeling completely overwhelmed - 11w of solo parenting for the most part is A LOT. Definitely recommend joining a baby group and making some local mum friends. And never ever feel guilty for asking for your husbands help or for showing emotion in front of him! It all feels so exhausting and heavy at the time but it does get better ❤️‍🩹

Totally normal OP!

Best advice I ever heard was: Don’t do anything when the baby is asleep that you can’t do when he’s awake.

My first DS was just the same but it does pass - You’ll get to know each other more each day and you’ll just end up knowing what he needs. He’s so tiny, he scientifically doesn’t know he’s a separate person to you just yet. Cliche but it really does go by too quickly, so my advice is to enjoy the cuddles without feeling guilty and, on mornings like this, order a yummy breakfast or lunch on Uber eats/stock up on all the snacks and have a Netflix day snuggled on the sofa with baby.

You can do chores when he’s awake - he can go in a crib or his pram or a carrier/bouncer, take him on a short walk for some air, if he falls asleep head home and leave him to nap in the pram whilst you get some sleep or just chill time.

Go easy on yourself and soak up your maternity leave!

It’s a very difficult and overwhelming time. My advice would be to take yourself off for a nice shower and some alone time in bed as soon as your DH gets home. He is perfectly capable of putting tea on and taking the baby for a walk. That way he will get used to the new expectations and you will get some downtime.

I’m ftm of a 10 month old. My advice is to allow yourself to feel all the emotions, it is hard hard work at times, and you mustn’t feel like you’ve got to have it all together all the time. As others have said, it is totally normal to feel overwhelmed and very ok to do so. I promise you the good times will outweigh the bad as time goes on

Oh my gosh I cannot tell you how overwhelmed I felt in the first year. I cried a lot. Sleep deprivation was torturous to me. Prioritise sleep if possible, I used to go to bed when baby did to try to bank as many hours as possible. Try to get fresh air and a change of scene every day. Can you message or speak to friends about how you are feeling? I found a sharing my feelings made things easier.

I second this. If you let these roles get established now you're letting yourself in for a big struggle in the many months and years to come. Where does the feeling of guilt come from? Has someone told you that you shouldn't expect him to 'help'? You chose to have a baby together. When he's home he needs to do his share and give you a break.