Sad that kids have no friends

[MaxwellCat]

My 3 children have additional needs, they have no friends, one has none at all, one has 2 but doesn’t see them outside of school and no others, and the other one also has none and is SM so doesn’t speak at all at school. With the holidays coming up it just highlights it more and hits me how much they don’t have friends (during the school and week it’s ok but with the 6 weeks coming up it really hits home) they won’t meet up with any friends or kids during the 6 weeks holidays, it would be nice if they had just one or two friends they could meet up with, but nothing. It wasn’t so bad when they was younger as they loved going to the park, soft play, zoo and was quite easily entertained etc but now they are getting older they are getting too old for these places and find them boring and it puts a lot of pressure on me to entertain them or find fun things for them to do where as other kids their age would be meeting up with friends. I feel sad about this. I posted in an autism Facebook group but of course got told I was completely unreasonable to be sad, but wouldn’t other parents be sad or worry about this? I find views on there are often skewed. Am I wrong to feel sad about this? They only have me and I worry about the future being so isolated but of course I was jumped on for saying isolated and told that autistic people like being alone.

How unhelpful to have been told your emotions were unreasonable. They are completely understandable. My heart goes out to you. We have been in a similar situation.

If your children's SEN needs are quite overt, you could try a local family support group. I went to one for a while and it was very friendly. The kids all charged around doing whatever they wanted to do - craft, games etc with some helpers making sure no one was left out, and the parents got to chat over coffee. DS didn't make any friends there, but at least it was an outing during the long summer holidays once a week.

You could also start them on some activities that don't need much interaction but keep them busy - swimming lessons or coding classes. DS went to Warhammer a lot at that age. It was expensive (the painting groups are free but you do have to buy the models and paint.) But the helpers were very friendly and the other boys in there all seemed to be on the autistic spectrum. I think even if they don't make friends easily, just doing an activity alongside other people is a step in the right direction. But you have to pick carefully and avoid clubs, such as team sports, where they might get targeted, bullied or isolated from the in-crowd. Choose activities where you can't really have a social pecking order.

Is there a family friendly church near you? You could try going along as the youth groups are very inclusive and often lay on summer picnics and family outings.

Do they have cousins? Do you have family to visit over the holidays? I think it is hugely important to just get them socially interacting with people you trust, even if they don't current have their own peer group. In the course of a lifetime, friendships take many forms and there's no rule that says all friends have to be your age, so learning to chat confidently with grandparents and aunts etc is also helpful.

Trust your instincts and ignore armchair advisors. What rubbish that 'autistic people like being alone.' Some do, some don't. DH is autistic and adores being alone. DS is autistic and incredibly sociable. It was hard for him as he didn't know how to be sociable. For at least two years he used to ring me regularly to ask how to handle the most basic social situations. But he learned by studying what other people pick up instinctively and now he is very sociable and popular after a childhood with no friendships forming year in year out.

My son is autistic but very sociable, indeed over the top sociable which presents its own issues. I'm sorry you had that response, it's disappointing when you seek support from parents in a similar position and they come out with nonsense like that.

My DS is 12 and I've continued on with days out, soft play etc because he still enjoys them and I don't care what other people think. We also go train spotting because he loves trains. We camp build in the woods, picnics etc. We also have a couple of council run playschemes that he enjoys. I think socialising is important for children like ours. Is there no way you could invite the school friends for a play date over the holidays? My son doesn't have a lot of friends but I invite the ones he does have and it works well.

Thank you for the comments and advice it’s very helpful, I don’t really have family so that’s what concerns me more so no cousins etc that they can have a relationship with. My only child that does have friends is 11 and year 6 so I can’t invite the children over their parents don’t bring them to school so I don’t know them I’ve asked my son to try to extend the friendship outside of school but he doesn’t seem interested, I’ve asked if they play any games etc that he could add them on but he won’t ask them. He only has two friends and they are both autistic it took him to year 6 to make them but he doesn’t seem to want to extend the friendship outside of school and when they leave they are going to different schools. The other two there would be no one to invite they don’t speak to anyone. I was told I’m forcing my NT ways onto them and to leave them if they are happy but I feel selfish for thinking of the impact not only on them but on me. My 12 year old would like friends but doesn’t know how to interact mentally she’s the age of a 4/5 year old so the children in her class never wanted to be friends with her as she can’t hold a conversation she just repeats the same things over and over, children lose interest pretty quickly but younger children are intimidated by her due to her size so she doesn’t fit in with younger ones either.

DC2 doesn't have any friends. I suspect she's autistic but has no diagnosis. We won't have any friends over for her during the school holidays. She does not want to have any birthday parties. (She used to have them when she was in nusery and reception).

I'm not going to force her to have playdates or parties. I'm sad to see DC2 has no friends. Even an introvert needs a friend or two. But equally, what can I do about it? Telling her she needs to make friends will just make her feel more awkward. If she knows how to make friends, she'd already have one. She has older DC1 to play with and she has us.

Hobbies where they are doing activities side by side and/or cooperating allow social contact that isn't too full on and may lead to at least acquaintances. If she would be willing to go.

Yeah I get that, my son doesn’t want to see the friends out of school so I can’t do anything about it, they are too old now for me to arrange play dates etc the kids are going to secondary so I don’t feel I can do much about it, I’ve suggested he stays in contact but he doesn’t seem to want to so I can’t force it, I just worry about secondary and him becoming a target for having no friends I know secondary school children can be a lot more mean about these things. We don’t even live on a street with any kids or where kids play out it’s a main road so can’t even make friends that way.

My kids are in the same boat. It’s so hard to know what to do for them.
I was trying to post on here for advice but commented on here instead of making my own post by accident. Which is why I’ve edited this.

My kid used to be super social, always hanging in the playground, easy to make friends with every body because he spoke to strangers. Now he's older he won't talk to anybody that he doesn't know because incidents in the playground where kids started to become rude to him. He brought his toys with him once and the only kids in the playground was some teens, and he asked them if they wanted to play with him. They started cussing at him and told him to F off. He ran home crying. That was the last time he went to the playground. He says kids are rude to him so he's given up.
He's gone to youth clubs too, but other kids just want nothing to do with him. One girl in my earshot even complained about him. Playdates don't happen, parents say no. I've tried meeting up with other parents but he doesn't want to play with their NT kids and they don't understand him. He's the happiest when he's home and behind a screen. Away from the cruel reality. .

Can you do a holiday project eg go to nearby town and find out about smugglers, civil war, royal visits, local industry and write it up as a project go to local villages and take pictures of church clocks, ponds etc or do a big craft project taking weeks eg paper mache island that yo decorate. BlackBerry picking and make jam or stew for winter