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Original poster

How do I deal with this awful teen behaviour

18 replies

Teenagenightmar · 01/07/2023 09:45

Ds 19. He’s awful and I can’t cope. He has ASD and ADHD. He has a part time job.

He is out of control. He leave a trail of destruction behind him. His room is disgusting. He won’t pick up or clean up after himself. He’s rude and unkind to younger ds.

When he got his job we asked him to pay some rent each week just to help teach him the value of money (£20 a week) he refused and told us there’s nothing we can do so I deducted it off his pip as I’m his appointee and sent him £80 less each week. This led to him deciding he will ‘eat more food and break stuff to the value of £80’

He regularly makes a disgusting mess in the bathroom if he’s been out and drink and vomited he will leave it on the floor. Or the toilet is a mess and blocked . He’s told me ‘it’s your job. My time is precious. Your time is worthless as you’re a sahm most of the time and you’re a cleaner so get on with it’ It’s true I do work part time as a cleaner but it doesn’t mean I’m his cleaner but I can’t leave my house unhygienic and dangerous for the younger dc so if he won’t do it he knows I have to as it’s a health hazard. He also smokes / vapes and coughs up green mucus in the shower and leaves it there.

He goes out and comes back at 2/3/4 am , turns his music on, cooks food (dangerous as he forgets or burns things so the smoke alarm goes off), wakes us all up singing or shouting (has some verbal tics)

I’ve now changed the wifi password as a punishment for his latest rant at me about how I’m basically worthless as he was angry I hadn’t cleaned his room as he wanted his girlfriend to come round.

He won’t move out voluntarily and due to his SEN I doubt he would manage but I’m starting to consider looking for supported living schemes for him as I can’t cope. I love him but I can’t cope

OP posts:
EastCoastRye · 01/07/2023 09:47

I’m starting to consider looking for supported living schemes for him as I can’t cope. I love him but I can’t cope

I don't think this is unreasonable. It sounds really terrible for you.

Original poster
Teenagenightmar · 01/07/2023 09:48

Also I’ve noticed a pattern where he is much much worse when it’s just me here. Dh works away 4 nights each week and those days/nights are terrible. He is still awful but not as bad if DH is here so I do think he has control over his behaviour. He seems to intensely dislike me. We use the same approach to try to manage behaviour so it’s not that DH says or does anything different but I think it’s purely a physical thing as DH is much taller and bigger than him ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Teenagenightmar · 01/07/2023 09:50

EastCoastRye · 01/07/2023 09:47

I’m starting to consider looking for supported living schemes for him as I can’t cope. I love him but I can’t cope

I don't think this is unreasonable. It sounds really terrible for you.

I feel it’s the last resort and I’m worried it will ruin our relationship forever but it’s being ruined now anyway. I’m almost at a point of accepting that and not prioritising the idea for Ds or my best interests but actually in the best interests of Ds 2 and 3 (ages 13 and 15)

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Original poster
Teenagenightmar · 01/07/2023 09:51

He just looks at me like he’s disgusted by me, like he can’t breather the same air and if I’m in the same room he will turn into a corner and make noises and look at me like I’m some kind of disgusting creature

OP posts:
Irhfb · 01/07/2023 09:54

For the sake of your other two, I agree with that getting him into some kind of supported living is the answer.

MerylSqueak · 01/07/2023 09:54

You would not be ruining it; he is now. You might be saving it.

bumblebee2235 · 01/07/2023 09:55

That's disgusting! I wonder why he has such disrespect and what sounds like contempt for you? I would kick him out, it might sound extreme to others but I'd let him flounder on his own a bit see how the real world is and see first hand all you do. I would have him back if he apologised and tried to be decent.

I'd most likely call him a misogynist and that his girlfriends would be disgusted and a woman wouldn't touch him with a barge pole if that's all he thinks of a woman 😅

Irhfb · 01/07/2023 09:55

to add to my post - and your YOUR sake too (sorry, my own focus is a bit too much on my kids so I was projecting that onto my comment!).

Beamur · 01/07/2023 09:57

I think assisted living might be the salvation of your relationship. His attitude is horrible and less to do with being ND and more with being a teenage knob end!

EastCoastRye · 01/07/2023 09:59

Would it work to set down ground rules and offer him the choice of following them or moving to supported living? At least then he might understand that he is effectively choosing to move out by dint of his behaviour. Current situation sounds intolerable.

Singleandproud · 01/07/2023 10:00

Supported living may well be the making of him.

Disability or not its not OK for him to treat you in that way. It's not realistic for him to live with you forever, if nothing else one day (hopefully in the distant future) you and DH won't be around so becoming independent now is actually doing him a favour, It would be far harder if he was in his 50s.

He also sounds relatively low needs if he has a gf and a job, whilst I know people with ASD and Adhd often act differently at home the fact that he can behave more civilly when DH is there suggests a level of control and manipulation. Toxic masculinity, incels, Andrew Tate etc is a big problem and it's often aimed at the females closest to them, I'd put money on the fact he's been watching some rubbish online about how worthless women are. How does he treat his gf or is it just you he is unkind to?

Original poster
Teenagenightmar · 01/07/2023 10:00

in the last 2 years he’s just developed an absolute hatred of women he was disrespectful on odd occasions at secondary school but it was dealt with and was infrequent but the last 2 years he’s been unbearable. I always wanted a girl but I’m so glad now I only have boys, that’s not to say it isn’t impacting them as it is but I can’t imagine how awful he would have been to a sister

OP posts:
Original poster
Teenagenightmar · 01/07/2023 10:02

Singleandproud · 01/07/2023 10:00

Supported living may well be the making of him.

Disability or not its not OK for him to treat you in that way. It's not realistic for him to live with you forever, if nothing else one day (hopefully in the distant future) you and DH won't be around so becoming independent now is actually doing him a favour, It would be far harder if he was in his 50s.

He also sounds relatively low needs if he has a gf and a job, whilst I know people with ASD and Adhd often act differently at home the fact that he can behave more civilly when DH is there suggests a level of control and manipulation. Toxic masculinity, incels, Andrew Tate etc is a big problem and it's often aimed at the females closest to them, I'd put money on the fact he's been watching some rubbish online about how worthless women are. How does he treat his gf or is it just you he is unkind to?

On a few occasions I’ve had to say to him he’s spoken to her inappropriately and he has lost his temper saying I should know my place. His gf also has ASD and is I think quite vulnerable

OP posts:
Hairyfairy01 · 01/07/2023 10:04

That's sounds really tough OP. Has he got a social worker or support worker or anything like that? Is there some external agency you can contact for support? We have a local one for homeless under 25's for example. I totally agree that him living with you isn't working for any of you and can't continue, at least not the way it is.

TheCheeseTray · 01/07/2023 10:07

This sounds awful I don’t know what the legal rights are to removing him - for example, can you change the locks or do you have to give him notice - does a local SEN group have advice or social services? I’m really sorry that sounds really hard.

Singleandproud · 01/07/2023 10:08

I think the toxic masculinity trend grooms as many asd/adhd males as the gender ideology trend groom asd/adhd females. They are so vulnerable to following what they see online.

What would happen if you put in place proper hard boundaries and consequences, ie everytime he leaves a mess you force him to clean it up? If you removed any 'extras' from his space that you had purchased as he is disrespectful to you? If you refuse to do his laundry? Put a lock on the kitchen so he can't access it at night as he's a safety hazard? Will he damage things? Will he become violent to you? I suspect that's the way he is heading in which case its important to change the living situation ASAP.

Terryer · 01/07/2023 10:10

I'm so sorry to read this and I feel so sad for you. I'm not sure if it's that simple.to get assisted living but I'd definitely be doing it if it was.

Terryer · 01/07/2023 10:11

I'd also be asking dh to look for another job so he's at home more.

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