3.5 year old - ADHD or typical kid?

[Cathycat7]

Tale as old as time - worried mom here! Long read, thank you in advance for anyone who does X

Nursery are hinting that he needs to be assessed for 'something'

Basically I have a boy who will be 4 in a few months. He goes to a small nursery with a staff of 3 and group of 15 children MAX. He's only been there for 6 months and they've pulled us in at the end of the year to say they're 'concerned with DS and the safety of the other children.'

Apparently, DS is (and I've seen it obviously) really handsy and struggles to respect personal space and reading other people's feelings as they tell him to Stop but he continues to hold/hug too long or grab at faces (not hurting them) but really comes across like he wants to as he makes this grit teeth expression.

What I think/my defense:

• he's a lockdown kid, everything shut when he was 4 months old and it was just me, him, and DH until he was 2 years old, he doesn't know HOW to play with kids
• he just started this school and between the winter breaks and CONSTANT illnesses, he's maybe gone a full 2 months if you add all the days he actually went together

I guess I can't wrap my head around him needing to be assessed as he's always been on time, if not early, on milestones. He is bilingual and fluent in 2 languages (which is the only reason why he goes to this school), his speech and imagination are above and beyond most children (the nursery's words)

He just gets fidgety and has zero sense in personal space.

My question is: does this sound like typical 3 year old behavior? 3 seems so young to evaluate such a thing!

If he does have ADHD, does that mean they would remove him from his bilingual class?

What do you do when he's being handsy with people? Do you tell him to stop too? Does he listen?

I think 3.5 is young to be assessed personally. Could just be he's still learning to mix appropriately.

he's a lockdown kid, everything shut when he was 4 months old and it was just me, him, and DH until he was 2 years old, he doesn't know HOW to play with kids
he just started this school and between the winter breaks and CONSTANT illnesses, he's maybe gone a full 2 months if you add all the days he actually went together

DS didn't play with other kids until 2. Kids don't have the ability to play with other kids until that age anyway.

the illness thing is normal.

they must be seeing something but neither of these things are an explanation.

It is always hard to say .

my own has adhd and as a c/ minder I often saw things no one else did .

remeber the children in nursery will have experienced the same lockdown so it is advised to look at early help .

Also from what you say the nursery I is struggling.

Assessment takes a couple of years generally so by the time you get to assessment it may be more clear

As someone with a child approximately a month younger than yours no I don't think it's at all common for children this age to be very handsy and to not stop when a child asks them too.

You have to remember these nursery staff have seen a lot more children who are the same age as your child and if they are raising concerns after such a short amount of time I would stop and listen.

I know this is worrying for you, but I work in a school and we do sometimes say to the parents that we're concerned about their child, when we suspect the child may be neurodivergent. However we are not medics and it is important that the child is assessed by a professional. I would definitely take the nursery's advice and pop to the GP as they will be able to refer you on, and if there is anything going on, an earlier diagnosis is important for the support of your son. Wishing you the best of luck.

Children can be neurodiverse without being behind.

My question is: does this sound like typical 3 year old behavior? 3 seems so young to evaluate such a thing

It doesn't sound like normal 3.5 yo behaviour to me but I doubt you'll get someone to assess ADHD at that age.

Are you on the Uk @Cathycat7?

If you are, I'd make an appointment with your HV and ask her to assess him using the Ages & Stages.

If he does have ADHD, does that mean they would remove him from his bilingual class?

That's a difficult one to answer as we don't know what their rules are or what Country you're in.

When they're suggesting that he gets assessed "for something" have they made any suggests of who you should see or are they putting in referrals for you?

Exactly.

I think lockdown concerns are probably not pertinent any more. In the two months he has been there your child has had experience being around other children at his daycare setting. He should be learning to be around children without hurting them. I would want to know what the nursery are ‘hinting at’, so when they do this again, bite the bullet and say “so what are your actual concerns?”.

How is he when socialising with you? Can you tell him to STOP, and he responds. He is certainly too young to assess for ADHD if that is what nursery is implying. At 3 years he could well be just immature. There is no reason why he should change class unless the other children are at risk.

In your case i would make sure that he has no access to screens such as phones and ipads (and people around him avoid screens), so that he maximises his social learning. I would be doing lots of turn taking and social play to model how he should be playing with same-aged children. See what happens over the next few months. If nursery keep saying the same and if you see evidence in informal settings, talk to your health visitor.

Surely they need to work on adapting his behaviour, in tandem with you at home. So working on personal space, on hands, observing his moods and why/when he grabs/ get in the face of others. I think most kids don’t have a concept of personal space or other peoples feelings at that age, it’s the milestone they’re approaching. Your son needs a bit more hands on help and guidance with this milestone.

The nursery staff have seen hundreds of children his age through the years so if they feel he needs assessed I'd listen. They will want what is best for him and if he does have a condition the sooner it is diagnosed the sooner he can access supports.

His behaviour sounds more like a younger child than a 3.5 year old and the ratio of staff to pupils is very high so if they are struggling that says a lot.

Can you ask them what they feel he has? Did they say ADHD or ASD?

The nursery have mentioned assessment but it's not upto them to diagnose adhd, that's the point of the assessment to diagnose if there are any conditions.
Did the nursery mention adhd specifically or just that he could do with assessment as there are many other conditions it could potentially be. They are obviously picking up on something, maybe look into it with an open mind.

Also if it was just you, ds & dh until he was 2 and he is now nearly 4 then, kindly, what have you been doing for the last 2 years? As we have been out of lockdown for ages now?
Is this nursery the only interaction he has had with other children or in the 2 years since everywhere opened up have you been taking him to the park, soft play, toddler groups, play dates library, swimming etc etc etc? I mean this in a totally none judgemental way.

Thanks all for the replies!

His health visitor has checked him several times, gone to the nursery to observe him, and was even at the meeting with us and the teachers - she says she doesn't see anything out of the ordinary. She thinks if he was in a larger class setting of 30, he'd be average. But bc he's in such a small group, it's easy to see such a big difference energy wise.
He isn't 'handsy' everyday, just some days. 'handsy' as in wants a cuddle or to hold hands alot. He does better with older children and doesn't touch them. DS likes to engage with other kids through stories and chat so the older the child, the better communication skills and he will play just fine.

I guess I'm just worried that he is totally fine and just needs time to grow out of that but I don't want him to be a total disruption to the rest of the class either in the meantime. If he's this way at 5-6, I would definitely understand wanting to have a closer look.

If the health visitor is happy with him, and your gut feeling is that he is fine, then is it the nursery? He could just be more active than others? Would you change nursery?

I'd follow their lead- he is highly unlikely to be diagnosed after assessment if he isn't. I'd spend the next few months reading up on neurodivergence as there's lots to learn. My son was an early walker and had an advanced vocabulary. Nursery didn't have concerns but he was later diagnosed with ADHD. Speaking 2 languages and being ahead in some areas doesn't really tell you anything. Invading personal space and struggling with communication is more an autistic trait. Again you need to read up. When mine were in nursery I knew so little- my assumptions about ADHD and ASD were off.

Totally normal for a DC with ASD to want the company of older DC or adults. Not saying he has ASD obviously but it does sound as though it's worth assessing.

I really appreciate the support and shared experiences. We haven't said no to an assessment, l was just wondering what it means to have one done and what it changes for his school path

Thanks again!

Also my children have fantastic imaginations. They are autistic/ADHD. It sounds like you are discounting it as a possibility based on assumption about what you think it means. Not saying your child meets the diagnostic criteria but you may not be best placed to judge.

Having an assessment does not automatically mean that they will get diagnosed.

If you are in the uk . ADHD is not typically assessed until after 7 so would be unlikely anything would done. If nursery are concerned you could ask for a paediatrician referral and take paediatrician advice

Hi, I'm in a similar situation and was wondering how your son is getting on now? 😊

Children can be Neurodivergent and academically inclined/intelligent.
I have AuDHD twins: one has moderate learning difficulties; the other is doing very well in all areas of 'learning' at school.

Hello there,
it’s been a couple of years down the line - what’s the situation at the moment? How did everything turn out? I ask as a nursery manager also made similar comments to me