Anonymously report my child’s other parent for potential neglect

[Inneedofadviceplease]

Trying to keep this completely anonymous so I’m not going to stipulate if I’m a father or mother but really in need of some advice regarding my child and their other parent.

We split a while ago due to an history of domestic violence and since then have been sharing contact. To stipulate they’ve never been violent to our child, my concern is a case of neglect. We both share parental responsibility, although no court order in place for access, purely verbal.

In no particular order my concerns are based around

-They send our child here/to childcare in dirty clothes. Not normal level of child dirty, unwashed dirty and stinking of smoke.
-Child comes constipated and only ever says they’ve had junk
-Child comes with spots (fleas, bedbugs?)
-Child says they’ve not carried out personal hygiene tasks (bath, brushing teeth/hair)
-I can’t see inside the property, but what I can see it looks a mess/unclean. Our child is too young to rely solely on what they said if I asked about this.
-Some other concerns but they’re outing.

I raised this with the health visitor and they recommended reporting to social services. (SS have been involved before due to an incident with them but case was closed). Due to the past history I can’t communicate with them about any of this as they deny it or become abusive.

I want to report and have kept photos and a record , but need to do it completely anonymously. If they found out it was me my concern is they would take our child and refuse to give them back, something they have threatened previously. Also why I feel I can’t withhold contact. I’m feeling so lost and don’t know where to turn. Has anyone been in this position before or have any advice?

I don't intend to be hard on you because of course your boundaries and thoughts will have been affected by being in a domestic violence situation. But I do want to give you an emphatic reality check. Please take this situation very seriously.

First of all, if your ex was the perpetrator of the violence, then your child shouldn't be living with your ex or having any contact with your ex. It doesn't matter that your ex has not (so far) been violent towards the child. The violence may start happening as the child gets older and develops their own mind. There may be verbal abuse. The child will be learning from your ex how to deal with people and that will hurt your child in future friendships and relationships.

You are NOT being a responsible parent by not involving the authorities and having verbal agreements about custody and arrangements.

And the problems you listed are shocking. No child should be dealing with bug bites or living in filth.

You need to step up now and report this. YOU need to have custody. You need to get a proper custody agreement in place. The priority is not to make your life as calm as possible. It's to protect this poor child who had no choice about being born into a broken and violent family. Take action now.

The funding problems in the police and education and child welfare services are so severe that you may not be able to get help, even if you kick up a major fuss. But you need to try.

In my experience, sadly this is not enough to meet thresholds. My stepkids live in a filthy home, bare mattresses and duvets on beds, exist on terrible poor quality food, don’t bathe, change underwear or brush teeth, have medical needs that are ignored, and as we’ve recently discovered, historical sexual abuse brushed under the carpet, even by the police. 😡

The schools, nspcc and SS notified dozens of times also by friends and family as well as us and even other parents at the school because the kids are filthy and smell. Nothing was ever ever done. The home was never even visited. The kids are traumatised and have been for years and desperately needed support but nothing was ever done. Of course the resident parent thinks they are the best parent ever.

You can report it but don’t expect much to happen. They will treat it as malicious. 😞

Social services will view it as also your responsibility to ensure that your child is safe. So that would usually be by changing contact arrangements, stopping contact or using a contact centre. When there has been DV, it can be really hard for you to do this. so seek legal advice, talk to your local dv services. Even if someone else reports the neglect, social services would still expect you to protect your children from this. So whilst he might be told to sort it out, you would also be told to sort out contact. Realistically, your ex is probably going to guess it's you anyway.

@Castlereagh, you said it better than I did. It's a good point that the ex is going to guess that the OP is the one who is making any reports to the authorities. OP, you still need to step up and make those reports. The priority is your child's safety and stability.

You’re presuming the OP has the children for the majority of the time I think? Do those suggestions work if that’s not the case?

Hi,

I'm not sure where you are based but as a social worker I am shocked that people have said that SS wouldn't get involved, as their parent you should report it asap, no child should live in the conditions you've reported. If they are going to daycare like this then that should support what you are reporting.

Why do you think the parent will with-hold contact? Legally you both have PR and have equal access to your child, one parent cannot with-hold contact HOWEVER if there is no contact agreement in place SS and Police can't force a parent to give access to a child until it goes to court. So either of you can with-hold contact, that why you really should get contact legalised though your solicitors.

If there was previously SS involvement they should get involved if a concern is raised

This.

@Amylivida I think the parent will withhold contact because they have already done so on a few occasions. ‘You’re not getting them until xyz’ irrespective of agreements. If I was to withhold contact until we went to court, what would stop the other parent going to collect our child from childcare and then withholding them? As you said we both have PR, so surely the childcare would have no grounds to refuse to give our child to them?

I fully appreciate the points everyone has made about me needing to report this and rest assured I’m going to do so, but I need to do it in as anonymously as possible. Not for my safety but for my child who I fear they could take and our child would then be stuck in the situation I describe above until we went to court.

In an ideal world I would get a solicitor and take it to court and I would have done that when we first split. However, I am struggling with huge debts I incurred due to the financial abuse with this person spending money in my name and racking up huge bills I am now left paying. I would love nothing more than to get a solicitor tomorrow and fight this all the way but I can’t afford to do so.

I of course want to do what is best for my child and protect them which is why I asked for advice on here on the best way of doing that sensitively due to our situation.

If there is no court order in place either parent can with-hold and the Police/SS can do nothing about it.

If things are as bad as you say have you asked the nursery why they haven't reported it? They have a duty of care to your child and a sign of neglect should be reported especially if the child was involved with SS before.

If you are concerned about your child you need to report, anonymously or not.

What a horrid situation. You need proper advice and support. I think a charity to support victims of domestic abuse might be able to help. Women's Aid looks like it does, and it also has this page of links.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/ive-left-and-i-need-support/
Good luck.

you need boundaries and a new, separate life. Brand new beginning.