Overwhelmed toddler mum

[janeausten1775]

I have a 15 month old and 5 months pregnant with our second child. I always wanted to be a mum and half the time I am so in love with my children. My husband only works part time and is supporting my decision to do a PhD while raising children. He helps so much and is my rock. But we live nowhere near family (a continent away!) and my toddler has started to throw tantrums. It was ok before I got pregnant again as he sleeps well, but this pregnancy has been hell (didn't eat or drink for months, sometimes can't even stand without fainting) and it's taken away the joy of caring for my child. I'm dreading having another horrible delivery (emergency c section after horrible induction and hours of excruciating pain with no epidural last time) and after that feeling completely unable to deal with an almost 2 year old and a newborn. I'm really introverted (husband too) and often I miss the quiet before we had kids. I also feel like people expect me to give up my work (which I love and am really good at) so that my husband has more time to focus on his career. We fell in love over our mutual intellectual interests and I feel so much pressure to just be a mum full time, but I know that if I have nothing outside of childcare in my life I will not be a good mum or a good wife. And I try so hard even when I'm completely burnt out, but with toddlers it feels like the more effort you put in, the more fun they have laughing at you. My son started taking his nappy off and peed on the floor today. He bites me for fun, throws tantrums, and when I take him to the park he either wants to play with the bins or with the stroller he came to the park in. I just really dislike parenting sometimes and it makes me so sad because my own mother and my mother in law were both stay-at-home, make-your-own-organic-purees-for -the-baby type of mums. My parents are going through a divorce as well so I hate seeing them in the same room together when we do visit from abroad. And my in laws are lovely but my father in law often makes comments about how wonderful my mother in law was as a mum, how she stayed at home and gave everything to my husband and his sister and never complained. I just need to vent at someone other than my husband because the poor man hears enough complaints from me.

Hi,

I'm not sure I have any helpful advice really but I just wanted to say although our circumstances are different, I really understand how your feel. 13-18/20 months was such a tough time, it's so intense. No real impulse control, short attention span, no real idea of their own safety, constant need for entertainment and attention. It's really hard. I found it start to get easier around 2 when mine's vocabulary and use of language was much better and he could noticeably be reasoned with (as much as any toddler can??). For example, I could go and stand in a short queue at a coffee shop and he would actually have the understanding to stay with me (sometimes!) rather than heading off aimlessly in all directions. We still have epic tantrums and meltdowns and it's still very tiring but it's different now and on the whole a little bit better and definitely more fun.
I don't know if that helps at all, but you're in such a hard stage at the moment but it will start to get a bit easier (from the toddler's point of view anyway!).

It must be incredibly hard being far from family, it sounds like you're both amazing parents and doing the best you can. It's also completely normal to miss your life pre-kids, I know I certainly did and still do sometimes!

That's a tough age gap. It will be easier as your eldest becomes more able to express, but in all honesty most toddlers are 2.5+ before they are good at managing their feelings and not having meltdowns/tantrums.

What's your childcare at the moment, and will it work for two? (Practically and financially). Obviously no family support in that sense. Will they come to stay with you to help at any point?

What does your PhD require? Mine was lab based, so not remotely flexible, whereas DH could do his pretty much anywhere with Wi-Fi most of the time. Are you planing on taking any maternity leave from it, and what are your time restrictions? These vary from institution to institution. Are you able to do it part time?

If you do have a c section or a difficult birth, you are likely to need an extra pair of hands around the place. Your toddler will need lots od attention from DH to avoid him feeling displaced by the new baby, so if you need assistance lifting etc is there anyone that can come to stay with you? Are you able to afford a nanny or home help for a few weeks? Could family pitch in for that if they aren't able to be practical help because of the distance?

You have taken on a lot in a short space of time, OP. I think feeling overwhelmed in your situation is quite natural. It's ok to be in survival mode for a while.