Passive aggressive behaviour of ex's new partner

[handmethecrisps]

This is going round and round in my head and I'm completely stuck on what to do. Sorry it's quite a long post!

I have an 11 year old son with my ex partner. When we broke up and I moved out 2 years ago, he quickly moved his new partner in. I think my ex painted a bad picture of me to our son that it was me that was crazy and unreasonable, when I was angry that so soon after me leaving our son had to contend with a new woman in the family house. As our son is already a people-pleaser (working on this...) he was really reluctant to talk to me about his home life with his Dad as I think he thought I'd get mad at his Dad. His Dad unfortunately always wants everything his way and quickly gets angry so it is almost impossible to have a reasonable discussion with him unless it is on his terms.

Anyway, I've tried to trust myself that all is ok with my son's life at his Dad's, and let the dust settle. Gradually my son started to share snippets of his life when he is at his Dad's and there are bits that concern me.
His Dad's new partner has a 7 year old daughter, that now goes to the same school as my son. Weird things happen, such as on non uniform day her daughter went in non school uniform but my son went in uniform. My son tried to make an excuse for it by saying it was only non uniform for the younger kids but I know it wasn't. How did that happen when they live together?
Other odd stuff- his washing rarely gets done and he never has any decent clothes up there, apparently she does her washing separately.
Plus a range of other things where it seems my son gets treated differently than her daughter.

None of it is particularly bad, but it just seems like odd passive aggressive behaviour. As far as I'm concerned, if she was happy to move in with my ex, she should be taking on his son too and not treating him differently.
I grew up in a similar situation and my mum always treated my half-brother as her own.

I don't know what to do though, if there is anything I can do? My son is unhappy at his Dad's but he still likes spending time with his Dad and doesn't want to upset his Dad by not visiting him. I can't talk to his Dad about this as he'll just immediately assume I'm being nasty to his partner. I really have no opinion either way on my ex or his new life, I just want my son to be happy.

Thanks for reading! x

You really need to step back and stop quizzing your son about washing arrangements, who wore what to school, and other minutiae at his dad’s house.

If you have a problem with how your ex dresses or looks after your shared child at his house, you need to take it up directly with him.

Stop insisting it’s his new partner’s job to dress your son.

It's nothing to do with partner, your ex is responsible for your son when he's there. He's the one that should be sorting clothes ect, he's the one that should be remembering non uniform. If she chooses to help and contribute then great, but in no way is it her responsibility, she's not your sons parent, he is. You need to talk to him. Dont include her in the conversation on any way as none of it is her responsibility.

This sounds very hard for your DC. However, why aren't you blaming your ex rather than his partner? He's the parent and should be making sure your son is dressed appropriately, clothes clean etc. These things aren't her responsibility.

How often did he do washing when he was with you? I bet you did the majority of it.

Maybe he's not pulling his weight with housework and his new partner is refusing to pick up the slack, which is fair enough. She has her own child to look after. It's not really up to her to make up for him being a shit dad. Her buying your DS clothes and doing his washing would just enable your ex to continue being a lazy parent.

There are endless posts about dad's dumping all the childcare and housework onto their new partners and inevitably the women end up resenting him for it, so good on her for not picking up his slack.

Your ex is the problem here not her.

Why is all this the partners problem and not your exh? Is washing a woman’s job? At 11 he could put some washing on. I expect the partner does hers and her daughters and expects your exh to do his and his son’s washing. Take it up with him.

You need to have a chat with or send a message to your ex, stating that your son has missed key events at the school (such as dress down day) can ex please ensure that he receives the newsletters etc from the school, reads them and makes appropriate adjustments for the relevant days.

Tell ex that your son has mentioned he doesn't always have clean clothes to wear at his dad's, and as no one wants your son to be dubbed "the smelly child" especially when moving up to senior school and with hormones and teenage development leading to BO etc, can ex please ensure that clean clothes are available for son to wear (or son is taught how to use the washing machine at their house) and that he has a father-son chat about hygiene and that deodorants etc are available to use at his Dad's house.

Obviously you will have similar chats at your house about the same issues but you all need to be on the same page.

This his is NOTHING to do with your ex's new partner, this is your ex being an ineffective parent (which I suspect he also was when you were together).

Your ex needs to step up and parent his child, that is not his girlfriend's responsibility.

Your ds is getting to the age that he can choose where he wants to live, for himself.

Until then, I think you need to support your ds by pre-empting all the issues. If your ex is useless, and he clearly is, then I'd make sure ds has clothes in his bag for non-uniform days etc. Make sure your ds knows that whatever he needs, you will ensure is available at your home.

It will take a bit of extra effort but puts your ds in control of how his life works. Hopefully he will stop people pleasing and stay where he is properly supported. Visiting his dad for a few hours at a time sounds like it would suit everyone better.

It's not your ex's partner that is the problem, it's your ex!
Why isn't he diarising non-uniform days.
Why isn't he doing the washing?
Why isn't he treating your son the same as his step daughter.
The problem is HIM!

Many thanks everyone for the replies. It's really good to hear other people's thoughts.
Yes, my ex did nothing in the house and I can imagine his new partner is frustrated by that but I just find it odd to move in with someone into the family home and not treat their child as your own. Maybe that's just my view based on my upbringing. My Mum moved in with my Dad and his son and I very quickly came along. But my Mum treated us both the same (and my Dad did nothing in the house either)
I just feel sad that she doesn't seem to care about him. I'm aware the problem is actually my ex but nothing will change there.
The whole situation just makes me sad.

Anyway, I will be more proactive encouraging my son to become more independent and make sure he always has what he needs here, as @MintJulia suggested- thank you :-)

Stepmum here. Right from the start we agreed I wouldn't do their washing or housework in their room. DH is ultimately responsible for them. I can imagine she has taken the same decision. Your beef is with your ex. She's just parenting her child how she wants.

Agree with the others, it's not her role.

For school events I always double check that ex has remembered if the dc are with him, and make sure I have sorted whatever costume, returned the form etc.

I know I should leave him to fail but that only ends up impacting the dc so I've never taken that approach. I always did that admin prior to separating so have just continued.

I agree with this.

You dont need to do wife work anymore you have split up ffs I know ds is only 11 but does he have a phone? Something with a calendar he can tell his dad himself

If dad still acts like a dick your son will soon vote with his feet