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Original poster

Nursery for severely autistic toddler

16 replies

autistictoddler · 27/06/2023 09:44

Dd is 2 and severely autistic. Severe separation anxiety as well.

The HV has helped me to find a nursery place 3 mornings a week (with a view to move to 4 mornings then eventually 5 once settled ) to help as I’m exhausted but I know dd will hate it and be upset . I’ve had both my DM and MIL tell me she’s too little and needs me and to be at home and secure given her autism but I literally need a break from the screaming.

I thought that even if it is upsetting at first maybe it will actually help her somehow but I’m being made to feel like it will be detrimental and nursery is only for working parents etc.

I think what I need to know is will
this damage dd ? Or will it make no difference or will it actually help.

Im exhausted and the thought of a difficult and upsetting drop off does worry me but then the thought of a few hours ‘off’ is what I need so desperately

OP posts:

CMOTDibbler · 27/06/2023 09:50

Are your MIL or DM volunteering to have your dd to give you a break then? If not, they can butt right out. You need to do what is best to enable you to cope with what sounds like an awful lot to deal with, and your dd being with experienced professionals so you can provide her care the other 20 hours a day sounds like a way to do that.

Original poster

autistictoddler · 27/06/2023 09:50

CMOTDibbler · 27/06/2023 09:50

No they won’t because they can’t cope with her at all and won’t look after her alone

OP posts:

MaximusPaddimous · 27/06/2023 09:53

If DM and MIL won’t look after her then they can wind their necks in. Carer burn out is real. Your HV recognises this and has helped get you some respite at nursery. Please don’t feel guilty for using it. You need a break and you need some time to recharge.

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Somethingintheattic · 27/06/2023 09:55

I think you HV ĥas done an excellent job in finding a nursery and yes your DD should go. My DD has prader willi syndrome and went to nursery from 11 months - it was tricky at times but I am sure her development (for her motor skills and language) was much improved by the experience. However be ready for this not to be smooth... not just for your daughter but not all nurseries are that resilent when it comes to SN children.

Jokat · 27/06/2023 09:57

I believe it would be hugely beneficial for the both of you, because you getting a break will make you a better parent when she is with you, and for her it will be great to experience something other than being with you all the time. If the staff there are familiar with and capable of looking after a child with special needs, then she will likely thrive there. Drop-offs may be a bit dramatic at first, but you will need to give it time, and as long as she eventually calms down within the first 10 min or so, you shouldn't worry about it.
Do give her time to settle in.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 27/06/2023 09:58

My severely autistic son is 18 now but he did much better than I thought when he started nursery.
Yes sure at first it's upsetting for the child but it soon becomes their normal routine and they settle.
A mum needs to be in top form to look after a child with additional needs and that means sometimes you have to do things that are going to upset the child.
Give it a go and you might be surprised at how she does and the time you get to yourself will mean you have that little bit of extra energy and patience to deal with her needs x

Star0Fire · 27/06/2023 10:06

I think it will be fantastic for both of you. Next time MIL makes a comment about how she should be home with you 24/7 say to them how about you take her one morning a week? They'll say no it's too difficult. Then say can you not see why I need break myself then?
Drop offs will be hard at first, I used to cry in the car after dropping of my Ds who would cry and reach out to me as I felt so bad leaving him like that. Nursery always sent photos and assured me he calmed down 5 minutes later

Rainbowqueeen · 27/06/2023 10:09

Your HV is spot on. Start DD in nursery. It will really help you be a better mother.

Original poster

autistictoddler · 27/06/2023 10:10

I just feel like I’m so tired that each day I’m too exhausted to do much with her and as she reacts to so much and I’m exhausted then I don’t risk it but this way she will have professionals who aren’t sleep deprived actually focusing on her.

I just feel guilty. When DM says ‘oh she needs to be at home with her mummy! ‘ or asking when I’m having more as ‘a sibling would be company for her and help !’ And actually she has no idea that I decided not to go ahead as we had a planned for another dc after dd diagnosis because I can’t risk another child with SEN as I can barely manage now

OP posts:

Wicksytricksy · 27/06/2023 10:38

Your mum and mother in law need to wind their necks in. Zero right to make comments if they're not going to help.

Absolutely go for nursery - you need a break, please take this time to do something caring for yourself (like sleep!). I'm sure once she's settled and into a routine she'll have a great time.

Mariposista · 27/06/2023 10:39

Both need to wind their necks n. This sounds like an absolute nightmare OP and you have my full sympathy. Do what you need to do.

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/06/2023 10:45

CMOTDibbler · 27/06/2023 09:50

This. As long as the nursery staff have full details of her condition they will be able to cope and your daughter will also benefit. You need the break.

StylishM · 27/06/2023 13:07

2 dear friends have DC with severe needs, one is blind and autistic and the other has GDD and mobility issues. Both flourished within weeks of starting nursery and their parents were calmer and more patient after having some time out for themselves

caringcarer · 27/06/2023 14:05

You clearly need a break a few times a week to help you to cope with all the rest of the week you will have to deal with your DC behaviour. It will be best for your DC in the long run to have a Mum who is not burned out. It might be a change for your DC at first just as it is to all children, but it might be good for your DC to learn to mix with other children because DC won't be able to avoid them throughout life. I'd give it a go but give it at least a term before you review how DC is managing. It's always hard to leave any DC at nursery in the beginning. I know my dd phoned me a couple if times when she put my DGS into nursery for first time and he cried when she left. She sat in her car and rang me almost in tears but within about 2 month's he was picking up his little back pack and happy to go to nursery. Your DC might take a little bit longer to settle with autism but if you persist DC will adjust. You deserve a break too.

Twilightstarbright · 27/06/2023 16:15

Ignore their unhelpful comments. Nursery is important for children which is why it’s funded and you need a break.

oddsbobbins · 27/06/2023 21:02

My child with severe and complex disabilities loves nursery and the time off has been a lifeline for us. She has a lot of pain and they can distract her so much better than we can - we sometimes send her off expecting a disaster and she has a wonderful time. They will have energy and creativity to help your daughter learn and develop that a burnt out parent of a special needs child cannot summon alone! It will be great for her and for you, even if it doesn’t feel like that at first.

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