Would you speak to your child if they were leaving another child out?

[Toastietime]

My daughter struggles hugely with friendships, but has a couple of close friends, one who walks to school with us most mornings. I am friends with her mum which makes this awkward, but at pick-up another friend will often join us for part of the walk home and my friend's daughter will literally push my daughter out. They will leave little room for her to walk beside them- pushing her subtly into the hedgerow so that she has to walk behind, they ignore her like she doesn't exist. My daughter speaks and tries to join in but they turn away from her and ignore her.

Yet in the mornings, when it's just my daughter and her friend (my friend's daughter) she will reach out and hug my daughter and want to be arm in arm with her chatting away in a friendly way. Pick ups are a totally different story.

It's so very obvious what is happening. The third friend has a history of leaving out other children and being very domineering- something myself and the other mum have talked about. Yet, she is not pulling up her own daughter for leaving mine out like this.

My heart breaks for her and she looks to sad each time it happens which is a lot! There is definitely a sense of ignorance going on here and I am concerned that my friend is just glad it's not her daughter.

It's quite surprising how my child and hers can be getting a long so well and then as soon as the third child arrives It's like my daughter doesn't exist. Watching them at parties is painful and my friend says nothing and she must be able to see the hurt and confusion on my child's face.

It's making me question my friendship with her and also my daughter's friendship with her daughter. She knows it's happening because she's verbalised her annoyance with the other friend's domineeeing behaviour before, so why is she sitting back and doing nothing when her own child is evidently joining in with leaving mine out?

I have no idea what to do and I don't want to be the interfering parent as I've already had to support her so much with friendships already 😪

Absolutely I would pull my child up on that. If I caught your child trying to talk to mine and mine ignoring her I would definitely say something at the time like "X has just said ... to you" and then probably ask a question based on what your daughter had said to try and encourage conversation between them. When we got home I would tell him it was rude to ignore/leave out and ask him to listen and be more inclusive next time

I don't know what I'd do in your situation though. It must be so demoralising for your daughter.

That's what I was thinking @WhyDoesItAlways I would always pull up my child and have done so with her older sibling in the past. I don't understand why some parents avoid speaking to their child about this sort of thing. It almost feels competitive.

I would…. But I have found over the years that lots of parents say their philosophy is not to get involved. it can also be hard to effect change in your children’s behaviour, when I’ve spoken to mine about why they aren’t friends with someone anymore (super awkward when it’s child of my friend) I get a lot of yes but… she did this, she isn’t very nice etc etc

it’s very tough. I would consider not walking back with them in the afternoon!

And yes we all know those children (and adults!) who are super friendly to you until someone cooler/better comes along 🙄
good to talk to your child about it and how rude that is but she’s going to sadly see it again

I remember when my friend and I were about 10 and walking along together acting like jerks. My friend's mother was with us and flat out told us we were being horrible. We stopped acting like jerks.

Point out to the girls they are pushing your DD into the hedge, or the road, that they are ignoring what she is saying. They probably know exactly what they are doing but not how rude and hurtful it is.

unfortunately very common behaviour. And I agree happens with adults too! very difficult to watch as a parent. We talked about what was happening and about what makes a good friend.

I think it’s important to help dc navigate those social difficulties and if you pointed something like this out to me I’d absolutely want to know and have a word. It’s hard to know how to deal with different dynamics when you’re a child and a bit of role play can help. It’s probably quite difficult for the one caught between your dd and the more domineering child and it’s not good for the domineering child’s development either. The thing is that they’re all learning how to be social but no one is teaching them.

Absolutely I would not tolerate my child deliberately excluding someone like that.
Especially when she's all over her on occasions when she didn't have someone else.
But either way, making someone feel unwelcome is shit and that's not how I or my kids roll.
I would accept that my children don't have to like everyone but that if on their company they be civil and include at least, if they prefer another child they save that for when the other child isn't there. Discretion and civility are life skills.
I would not accept this happening to my child either.

Yes, this. It's shit. I would help your DD understand that what is happening is crap and why.
We all have preferences of people we like. But those with better social skills are capable to exercising those preferences with discretion and so avoiding making others feel like crap.
People with little care for others or who are afraid of losing social credibility being seen being friendly with a non cool person are those most likely to do this. Not admirable.

I have been going to the same toddler group for a couple of years, my daughter is 2 and a good year - 6 months younger than the rest of the kids, she is at an age where she is wanting to play and join in with the other kids, I have noticed the other children keep running away from her when she tries to join in, it's happened a few times now and it makes me feel really uncomfortable watching it but none of the other parents seem to do anything even though they are watching it. It's a really small community and only a handful of children go but it's always and only my child they do it to. Should I say something to the other parents? I know alot of people say kids will be kids but I can't bear to watch it or for my child to feel like that.

The only thing you can do is help your own DD manage the situation. I would stop walking with them. Walk with someone who doesn't leave your DD out or walk by yourselves and have a nice time together.

@User84235 , I think you would get more replies if you started your own thread.

For me, there's a big difference in what one can expect socially from school-aged children, like in the OP, and from toddlers. Your daughter is 2, so these other children are an older 2 or perhaps 3. My eldest had good language skills and was fairly emotionally astute for her age. At the older end of that bracket, if I felt she was deliberately excluding your DD, I would have been able to ask her how what she was doing made your DD feel and what might be better to do instead. But that has to be balanced with respecting and protecting her right to choose who she plays with. So if she's playing in the home corner with one or two friends, I wouldn't push her to include another child she didn't want to (although nor would I let her dominate the home corner for the whole session). If it's a bigger group game leaving one or two out, I'd get involved. That's quite tricky to explain to a small child.

Most two year olds and many three year olds are not really ready for that level of social niceties. Many of the parents are probably pretty happy if they're managing the basics of no snatching, no hitting, etc.

Absolutely i would talk to my daughter and she would be in trouble if i saw her treat someone like that.