I hate being a parent

[PNDorNormal]

Feeling lost and desperate, and I’m
not sure if it’s normal or if I
might have some form of post-natal depression. I have a 20 week old little girl and I just can’t cope.

I wanted to be a mother, I thought I’d be a good mum and I realise now that I was delusional. She was so desperately wanted after suffering a late loss and many years of trying and now I wonder if nature knew I wouldn’t cope.

I love her dearly, but I hate being a parent and don’t seem to have the same feelings that the other mums I’ve met have and I don’t know what to do.

I find myself wondering if our first baby had survived would I feel the same, and if I’m not connecting with my little girl because I’m often thinking about the one that didn’t make it. I feel detached and I’m not sure how to stop feeling like this. I can’t wait until she turns 1, so I can have a night or more away from her, as she won’t take a bottle and I barely have 2 hours to myself.

I find her really difficult, she’s a terrible sleeper, I hate breastfeeding but feel pressured to continue and she’s never just settled. I don’t know how to keep her entertained all day long, as she needs constant attention and it’s exhausting. My husband is great but I dread the time he has to start work and all the hours in between until he finishes. But compared to other babies, she probably isn’t that bad and he thinks we’re lucky but I still feel as I do.

Is this normal? Is there anything I can do? When does it get better?

Oh OP I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I think a lot of people feel that parenting isn't all it's cracked up to be, but if you're genuinely hating it all and don't feel a bond, I'm no expert but I think a chat to your GP would be a good idea.
Big hugs and the sooner you go the better x

Please talk to your HV OP. you sound like you have PND. At the very least the loss of your first baby is enough to make this time especially hard. This isn't your fault or anything you are or aren't doing. You love her. That's enough.

You don't need to breast feed. Get some formula, get Dad to feed her so she can't smell your milk, and take it from there.

Put her down on the floor with some toys and let her roll around. Put some Baby Bum or CBEEBIES on and get a cuppa. 20 minutes of telly won't break her but it'll mean you can go poo in peace or enjoy a hot coffee or just breathe

Hi OP. I felt exactly the same as you when my baby was young. I thought I'd made a massive mistake even though, like you, my baby was very much wanted. I was so full of regret during those early months. I just hated motherhood.

However, my daughter is now 2 and I can honestly say I love being her mum. There are still days when I'm knackered and don't enjoy it but overall I no longer have any regrets about having her. She is delightful and hilarious. Things started getting better for me when she was about 8 months old, and then got easier and easier after that.

I don't really understand how anyone enjoys the early months of motherhood, actually. It's just so exhausting and boring. Though I fully accept some people do enjoy it!

Might be worth talking to your GP to access some support. I did, and it was helpful.

Good luck, and don't despair. This period of your life won't last.

Im so sorry for your previous loss OP. I have no idea how difficult that must have been for you. All I can say is I didn’t suffer a loss and I still felt exactly the same as you in the early baby weeks and months. I adored DS, ferociously and terrifyingly, but I absolutely hated the exhausting, all encompassing, boring slog that was parenting a little baby. He also didn’t sleep well, needed lots of attention and was really fussy. I think maybe it’s different if you have a sleepy, transportable potato, who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️ Anyway, I’ve found it infinitely more enjoyable the older he has got. Toddlers are tiring and can be a PITA, but they are also really funny, exceptionally cute and generally sleep a lot more at night and breastfeed a lot loss. I agree that 1 is a bit of a turning point and I absolutely love parenting him now at age 3. I hope you have the same experience.

20 weeks is very tough, even if you're not also struggling to process a loss.

At that age, it can be pretty relentless because they often take short naps, are too distracted for a good feed and really can't amuse themselves.

I found having a pattern to my days much easier - the time passed.

So what we did: get out as early as possible in the day. Baby group (do.you have a local children's centre? Church? There are often free groups you can go to). It's not for baby, it's for you! There are paid ones you can do - messy play, baby massage, baby sensory. Whatever you'd rather do.with your time. Baby usually napped on the way home.

I had a couple of CDs we would listen to every day. Basically an hour that we did virtually the same every time. Certain tracks would be tummy time with a mirror, others I'd make particular toys dance (e.g. I had a cuddle bunny for "hop little bunnies" and a frog finger puppet for "5 little speckled frogs"), some I'd pick baby up and we'd have a boogie together. It's great sensory play for baby and all 3 of mine loved the attention and repetition is great for language development. But I could basically switch my brain off because it was always the same and one song was "put on kettle time" then as soon as id got them on their tummy I'd pour.... after all that attention they were ready for another nap so I'd stick them in the pram and as soon as they were asleep I'd park them in the garden and have my cuppa (now the perfect temperature).

By now it's lunchtime. After lunch I'd stick them in the sling for a short wander - upright tummy time counts as tummy time for neck strengthening. If the were in a good mood I might have a coffee in the village.

Evening tended to include some time on the playmat - we had a couple on rotation. Then we'd hit cranky o'clock.... just survived that any way I could!

Any routine that works for you makes the time pass faster....

I agree that talking to hv or gp might help.

Baby days seem like they'll go on forever but they don't. Go for a walk and look at babies and kids of different ages - your baby will be entirely different in a few months, let alone years.

Tiny babies look good in photos when they're not screeching, but the reality is a slog. It does get better.

I really feel for you. I had a similar experience with my first. He was a terrible sleeper, wanted to be attached to me all the time and it was just so relentless and all consuming. Looking back I believe I did have PND but foolishly I would just smile and tell the HV etc that everything was fine. So please do talk to someone and get some help.

I’d also echo others that breastfeeding isn’t the be all and end all. Like you, I put myself under immense pressure to keep going at any cost and it nearly killed me with the sleep deprivation and just feeling like I didn’t have a second to myself. If someone else could give you a hand with feeds and get you a break that would be so important.

I didn’t particularly enjoy the baby phase but I hope it gives you some hope to know that we have loved the stages that have come after…. That wee high needs baby of ours has become the most fun, entertaining, joyful little man who makes us laugh every day. So hang on in there.It gets so, so much better!!!! 💕

This is very normal - but you don't have to put up with it! Please book a GP appointment and get checked out for post natal depression. So many women have it and don't get help until much later. Help is available now!

Re breastfeeding, who is pressuring you? Because how you feed your child is really no one's business. I would advise being checked for PND first and receive the appropriate treatment, then you can have a clear head to decide if breastfeeding is really for you. Of course, if you REALLY hate it there's nothing wrong with stopping immediately. Sometime's women regret the decision to stop, made based on their current circumstances, but really the only one who can make this decision is you.

In a few years being a parent to a child (rather than a baby) will be a totally different experience. Please don't waste these early years by being miserable. Ask your GP for help.