What am I doing wrong?

[rubblezumaskye]

Our 3 year old DD has always been 'spirited' but we are losing our sanity since DD2 has been born.

Since her little sister has been born DD1 has been struggling so much with her behaviour. I can't turn around for even a second when she is with the baby as she will lash out. Even if I am right there with them supervising the interaction she will still find a way to suddenly turn vicious. (Eg she will be kissing the baby then suddenly will bite her). If the baby is getting attention she will start wrecking the place or hitting us. Her answer to everything is 'no'. She will rarely play by herself and wants either our full attention at all times or begs to watch TV. She screams and shouts. She refuses to day to day tasks like getting dressed, eating dinner, going to the toilet etc

She loves her sister so much but is clearly feeling jealous. We have tried everything to manage the behaviour- being firm does nothing, she either gets more upset and destructive or laughs, trying to be loving and supportive doesn't work as she will lash out at us, biting or hitting. She gets one on one time with us regularly but does go to preschool 3.5 days a week while baby stays home with me. The other 3.5 days she is home with both of us, getting lots of attention.

I just don't know what to do... I can't keep my baby safe and my child is becoming emotionally damaged, meanwhile DP and I are losing our minds.

Any advice for getting things back on track? Thanks!

How regularly do you put baby down and play with your older one? Did she have a lot of attention before baby but now baby has stolen it?

Baby is pretty chilled so I often leave her lying on her mat playing while giving older DD my attention, or I will do activities for both of them like reading a book or dancing to music. But it's when I really can't put baby down, e.g while breastfeeding that DD1 suddenly 'needs' the most attention. Yes she had a LOT of attention before baby came, although routines haven't changed massively. We did try and prepare her with books about a baby arriving etc but obv hasn't helped.

I've tried so hard to keep giving her attention to avoid these meltdowns and trying to improve behaviour but it's kind of backfired, she seems to know she will get our attention if she acts out. It's like we were so cautious not to put all the attention on baby that she now still expects the same level of attention all the time even when it's really impossible.

Do you give her warning that feed time is coming so let's find a book, set up a puzzle or game for us to play while I feed baby then share the time?

@jannier not really, I could try that. She has a playroom with access to all her toys and I always feed in the playroom with her, often will read her a book while I'm feeding. I do try to explain 'I can help you get down in a minute but I need to finish feeding first' but she will lose it. She is perfectly capable of getting down from the table herself but just needs me to help if I'm feeding. Same with everything like she can go to the toilet by herself but refuses if I'm feeding and will demand me to stop feeding and help her and if I don't she will just wee on the floor.
So I'm not sure she would play even if I set stuff up.

She can't tolerate loud noises so if the baby cries it triggers her into destruction. Baby doesn't cry much, but it's a catch 22 because to ensure baby doesn't cry lots and set DD1 off i have to give her immediate attention

That's tough OP.

How old is your younger one? Its a bit transition for a 3yo, there will be an adjustment period.

Save some toys/activities for a special treat when you are feeding. A basket to choose from, perhaps?

Do you have family support? My parents used to come and make a fuss of my eldest as often as possible, or take the babies out in the pram so I could have 1:1 time.

Do you have a sling so you can be hands-free as much as possible?

Thanks @TinyTeacher baby is only a few months old but it seems to be getting worse!
I was slinging a lot but in this heat it's just been too much to use the sling so not slung as much. I love the idea of a special feeding box, will have a think about doing that.

We do see family a lot and generally have a lot of visitors who make a fuss of her. She gets very upset when people go though, she isn't good at transitions so her behaviour can be so much worse after.

I'd try to sort the toilet before hand and actually feed while playing with her. Ask for her to help with baby get nappies and wipes ready etc so she feels grown up.
Has she always had issues with noise?

I ask my toddler to read baby a book when I bf or I ask her what drink and snack she would like (and what would she like to watch on tv) whilst the baby has their ‘snack time’ too. It’s hard work, I don’t have half the answers - we’re trying our best is all!

I know this thread is a bit older but I just wanted to say I could have written this OP. I have a 3 year old and 10 month old. It does get easier, OP. We've had all manner of violence, including more recently biting. She gets over excited rather than aggressive but then sometimes the attention seeking turns into meltdowns. It's really stressful