FT working mum feeling major guilt.

[forfortiessake]

Just a thread to see if anyone feels the same or if anyone has any words of advice to stop me feeling guilty.

I've been a single FT working mother since my child was ten months old. I work full time with half day on a Friday and share weekends with my ex (his choice). I feel so guilty that I don't spend lots of time with my daughter. The time we do spend together we're always doing something fun and I try to give her all my attention and the same before and after nursery.

Sometimes I burn myself out, as I'm trying to interact and give her my full attention and then I feel guilty if I just sit on my phone or have a cuppa! I'm hoping to move to every other weekend with my ex, which I think will feel better as I'll feel like a proper period of rest and a proper long period to spend with her.

Just at the moment I feel like I am missing these important toddler years. I can't not work, but I just feel is it all worth it! Can anyone else relate? Xxx

Can anyone else relate?

A rule of parenting that I try (but don’t always manage) to stick to is: try to lose the guilt about anything that you can’t change. You can’t change the fact that you need to work full time so it’s just wasting energy to be feeling guilty about it. Though I know this is far easier said than done. So I mean yes, it’s possible that in years to come you’ll still feel “I really wish I hadn’t worked full time; I would have loved more time with DD” but you still wouldn’t have been able to do anything differently. You’re doing what you need to do. You’re working hard to provide a home, food, clothes etc for your daughter and that’s something to be incredibly proud of.

You sound like a very loving, dedicated mum who’s giving her daughter lots of quality time. I think what your daughter will remember in years to come is that when she was with you, she had loads of fun and you were really present for her. I think that matters more than the number of hours you spend together.

@IfYouDontAsk thank you this means a lot to me! And o will read your message whenever I'm feeling guilty. For example k need to get a shower and my daughter is saying 'mummy play with me' I can't feel guilty for taking a shower! Thank you again for your kind words x

Mum of two toddlers here currently sat on my phone in the kitchen drinking tea (trying to wake up) whilst my toddlers are watching cartoons in the living room. You don't need to be super mum every minute of the day. It's totally normal and acceptable to let them entertain themselves a bit too. It sounds like you're spending lots of time with your DD and that you're spending quality time with her. That's enough. Unless your job is taking you away from her at evenings and weekends too then I think you have got a fairly normal set up.

The problem is mums feel guilty about everything...if we don't work we feel guilty about having too little money or about craving time away from them...if we do work we feel guilty about the time spent away from them. I promise you men don't feel this way- they simply know they are generally doing the best they can and they are comfortable with this.

@overitunderit again, thanks for replying this is so comforting to read and again if I feel guilt for having tea and chilling I will look back at this message! Thank you xxx

Nothing to feel guilty about,

Single mum of 2 here with FT busy job and zero financial or practical help from ExH. I recently hired a nanny because I can't do it all on my own, the nanny allows me to have a break.

I feel guilty about loads. We seem to put this ridiculous pressure on ourselves and it doesn’t help when you see those things on social media saying you only have 18 summers etc.

For me there has to be a balance, if you play with your DD all the time they won’t learn independent play and fuel their own imagination. This isn’t great for adulthood as it could create an adult who can’t enjoy their own company.

Teaching your child that your needs are equal to theirs such as having a drink or a shower is important too, you are equals not a servant. Again I think it’s super important for children to learn this.

I think all mums feel guilty and we would all give everything we have for our children. But I have to stop myself and think is this best for them in the long run, will this shape them into the adult I want them to be. I don’t think people who have ended up with spoilt adult children meant to but instead gave into the guilt and just wanted to spoilt their child (don’t we all) but sometimes it’s in the the kids best interest.

Don’t feel bad about putting your needs first occasionally, you can’t pour from an empty cup. I was so tired last week I told my 3 year old we were going to watch a movie in mummy’s bed so I could have a little nap. I said im so tired that if I have a nap I will be a less grumpy and much better mummy after having a little nap.

Lone ft working mum here. The best advice I had was make the time you do have with the kids quality so phone away, play what they want to play etc. Also look after yourself. It's easy to feel like a terrible parent and a terrible employee but you can guarantee most fathers aren't feeling like this. Tell yourself you are doing a great job and believe it