Hi
I techinqually always have been a single parent just in the relationship with her dad and we've basically had no contact for 7 days and it needs to stay that way. He's blocked me on everything but I've not been too bothered until tonight. My best friend is going on holiday. My family have been through this with me already and are all busy. I've put my daughter to bed and just sat and thought. He is abusive, toxic and hard work so it should've been over years ago. I just wish it wasn't
I do regret having our baby though not her herself if I could take my daughter and replace her dad with someone more different more attentive more happy and possibly with someone who has no other children I'd do it.
He was physical although never hit me! Still doesn't make it ok I know. Using force or violence is never acceptable. He plays the victim. He avoids responsibility the list is endless but for some reason on this Sunday night I cannot switch off.
There's so much more to this, I've became insecure about his ex ( 1st child's mum). I've shared my insecurities so I feel like a lot of what he does is punishment anyways. It's not about them running off it's the level of emotional support and keeping me away from them so we cannot be a blended family.
I feel quite smart and wise and then I get down about it. I tried so hard to maintain some form of confidence and control over myself. I walked out on Monday packed all our things and he told me he'd stay home and c*t his wrists! Did he ofcourse not I'm glad he didn't but it's all just tactics.
I'm not healthy to him either but I think it's a reaction. I don't share my worries or what I'm annoyed with until he's annoyed with me so it's like an explosion but because he's Abusive he'll never understand I won't be able to talk to him unless he looses the physical aspects. He's also going to his sons football Presentation this Friday. I told him I'll never forgive him which I won't but it's because I don't want him around his ex drinking etc and stuff every other event has a finishing time (football game, training) or isn't a social event. He wouldn't tolerate it if it was me so I've put my foot down because it isn't happening anymore which is why I'm walking away. I've told him he won't be seeing me or his child next weekend cause I need to protect her and myself from my mental health. ( they went out together when I was a new mum 7 months in and I cried solidly everyday for 3/4 weeks and he knew but didn't include me) I'm not doing it where I'm sat at home waiting for him while he's with his ex when he can't even have our child for an hour either.
I am holding strong but do I want his attention yess.. I also know I'll get it again at some point without asking for it because abusers don't leave until they find their next supply. He won't get nothing from me. I just want him to be a good dad which he's proving he's incapable of being to anyone but his first child.
Sorry i just needed to rant/vent.