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Original poster

MIL making nasty comments about the way my baby looks- AIBU

26 replies

Becky130719 · 25/06/2023 21:08

My MIL has visited this afternoon and made nasty comments about the way my 10 month old DS looks. She said he has the worst teeth out of all of his cousins, he looks like Chris Evans, and that some one she showed his picture to said 'what's happened there'. This is an ongoing issue, DH has already said he has spoken to her about this previously as she has made comments about his skin colour. He's mixed white and black Caribbean and lighter than his brother and cousins. So we had comments that he needs to go out in the sun, 'I hope to god he isn't ginger', and 'take him back to the shop'. I have never said anything as I think it's better to come from DH and I know if I did it would cause massive issues between me and DH (he's already very defensive when I've brought it up and has just told me not to say anything) but I'm getting so upset with myself for letting it happen and quite frankly willing to let everything implode because I will not have my DS own family talking about him like that. Also these comments are said in front of my older DS who hears everything.-- AIBU???

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NegativNancy · 25/06/2023 21:11

How awful - those comments are downright cruel and offensive. Someone needs a very sharp word with this woman. If she can't keep her nasty mouth shut, you don't want her around your family.

SamanthaVimes · 25/06/2023 21:12

That’s awful! YANBU for being upset, I’d be fuming

ChubbyMorticia · 25/06/2023 21:14

That’s emotional abuse of your child. He will quickly be old enough to understand her insults. And even before that, he’ll understand her tone of voice, telling him she doesn’t like him

Why have someone around who’s guaranteed to hurt your child?

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Holly60 · 25/06/2023 21:14

Nope not ok at all. If she can't stop the comments then she doesn't get to be around him.

Would you let anyone else who criticised your child's looks anywhere near him? She doesn't get a free pass just because she is family.

Summergrassstains · 25/06/2023 21:16

I have never said anything as I think it's better to come from DH and I know if I did it would cause massive issues between me and DH (he's already very defensive when I've brought it up and has just told me not to say anything)

So why does your husband care more about his Mother's feelings than his wife's? Have a think about that. Have him think about that. Don't be fobbed off with it is just the way she is. She is being incredibly cruel toward his child and yet he won't say anything. If someone spoke about my child like that they wouldn't see them again. And yes, for a time we went no contact with the ILs due to overstepping boundaries so I know how hard it can be to fight your corner.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/06/2023 21:19

That's awful, next time she says something ask her why is she ( a fully grown adult ) bullying a defenseless baby?
She is old enough to know better, and my partner would be getting a mouthful as well, if she doesn't shut up about it I would actively leave the house with my son whenever she visits, no one needs to put up with that.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 25/06/2023 21:20

I'd be asking which shop because you'd like to exchange her for someone who isn't a <insert insult of choice>

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 25/06/2023 21:21

I think whilst this might be “funny” now (it isn’t) you absolutely don’t want her saying this to baby when he understands what’s being said - so it needs to be nipped in the bud.

I would ask hubby to say something and then if nothing was said I would avoid her. (I’d be pissed off that hubby is fighting her corner not his child’s). Not much else you can do.

Noicant · 25/06/2023 21:24

Thats just horrible, she’s being really horrible to a baby, doesn’t your Dh feel hurt and upset by this?

Hearti · 25/06/2023 21:32

pointless getting upset afterwards. you need to say something immediately in response to her comments, when she says these horrid things … ‘oh how rude’ .. ‘he’s perfect the way he is’ … ‘what an unkind granny’ …

YoucancallmeKAREN · 25/06/2023 21:52

She is a bitch of a Grandmother. i wouldn't let her near my child again.

sadsack78 · 25/06/2023 21:54

She is being a total c*nt.

And what a terrible thing she is doing to your older DS. He is old enough to understand what a b*tch she is being but not old enough to do anything about it.

And I'm sorry you're DP isn't standing by you or his own kids here.
Next time she does it, say in as detached a manner as you can, 'That's very rude. Why did you say that? Or 'That is a very cruel thing to say. Why did you say that?' Bullies like her can't stand being confronted in a calm, rational manner. She feeds on your pain and passivity. I have done this to bullies before and the sudden backpedalling after being called out can be quite spectacular.

Or maybe just take your baby and leave the room if she does this in your home. Don't make any excuses or say 'I'm just going to the loo/ kitchen etc. Just get up and leave, and she will have to sit there with her own horrible words hanging around her. Hell, leave the house. She is banking on getting to say these things and have everything carry on as usual.

I am aware this is easier said than done. But your kids are beautiful and don't deserve being insulted by this absolute witch.

sadsack78 · 25/06/2023 21:55

being a total cnt

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 25/06/2023 22:03

If your Dh isn’t standing up for his child then you have too. Every time.
It’s bullying and shouldn’t be tolerated from anyone, especially his own grandmother.

Fretfulmum · 25/06/2023 22:06

Awful. Put some boundaries in place to protect you, your older DC and baby for when they start to understand. Do you think these comments will stop as baby gets older ? I don’t think so. Just because she is grandma doesn’t mean she gets a free pass saying harmful things to children. You need to protect your children before the comments harm them mentally and emotionally.
Go out when she comes. She will soon get the picture. Your DH needs to get a backbone. He probably thinks his DMs comments are normal as he is used to her behaviour and language, but he needs reminding how damaging she is

Devonshiregal · 25/06/2023 22:21

Abusive grandmothers leave their mark. Don’t let her.

poodlepuppy · 26/06/2023 03:52

This is something that would make me go no contact (and obviously most of all both dc nc).

It's abusive and your dp saying not to say anything will allow her to continue and get worse.

Also it's concerning your dp is allowing this for your son. This can and will scar him for life if something doesn't change asap.

Maloneyb · 26/06/2023 05:12

OP. I think it’s time you put her in her place.
sorry but you shouldn’t tolerate her disgusting behaviour
tell her to shut up and do one if she’s got nothing good to say.
nasty piece of work

Fraaahnces · 26/06/2023 05:14

Easily fixed. Don’t let her near the poor kid. What a cow!

Ongawd · 26/06/2023 07:00

Always makes me side eye when people get together with a different race, then 'worry' their children will come out too light/too dark/ginger/ whatever. If they wanted a high chance of their child looking more like them, they should've stayed with someone of the same race. Stupid to do otherwise.

OP, your MIL may be known to speak that way which could be why your DH isn't doing more than he already does BUT that doesn't mean you should accept it or take it. Your child doesn't deserve to go through the same thing your husband went through with her so protect your child and defend him IMMEDIATELY she says such things.

It doesn't have to be an outright tongue lashing (although it can be and you'd be justified) but say something immediately so she knows she can't do the same to you or at least she's aware of what she's doing if she wasn't before. No need to wait for your husband to suddenly grow a spine, in regards to his mum, if he didn't have one before

Equalitea · 26/06/2023 07:28

So weird and unkind.
So he’s light skinned, not ginger but said to look like Chris Evans.
He is 10 months old, how many teeth does he even have to decide that they’re the worst?!

It sounds perhaps a little racially motivated to me, at least discriminatory that he doesn’t fit with the rest and the sameness of the others?

I would protect my children and if it wasn’t possible to avoid the comments I would stop contact. Your eldest would grow up knowing that they are the preferred one and she thinks your youngest is ugly. Your youngest would grow up feeling ugly/funny looking/rejected/outcast.

MrsElsa · 26/06/2023 07:30

Why spend 1 second more allowing this woman contact with you and DCs?!!!!!!

She sounds poisonous, goodbye!

pinkflute · 26/06/2023 07:37

Is she racist?

MayBeee · 26/06/2023 07:41

You say your baby is lighter in colour than your last child. Is this closer or further away from your mil complexion ? Tbh sounds a bit racist. Don't put up with it .

Sagaris · 26/06/2023 07:44

Had similar with my ex MIL - I used to be a shrinking violet - she uttered a few nasty comments towards our youngest and the red mist came down. I showed her the door and told her not to come back until she could be at least civil to her grandchildren - my weak FIL followed her out of the door and that was that!
I'd had years of horrible treatment from her, ex H was incapable (or unwilling) to stand up to her - I'd just had enough. They cut us off after that - bloody good job!

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