Please help

[NameChangerer23]

I am filled with shame, and stress and sadness as I write this so please, please be kind. I am doing my absolute best but nothing is ever good enough for my toddler and I am not coping well. He is two and a half and extremely hard work.

This manifests itself in the following ways:

• Following me around the house almost constantly and trying to push me/pull me in the direction he wants to go. I can’t go to the toilet alone, still. He has to come with me and sometimes screams and tries to climb on my legs.

• If I do manage to (stealthily) leave the room for a couple of minutes, I come back to absolute chaos. He will pull everything out of drawers and throw ornaments across the room. He has cracked the TV screen by hitting it.

• He is obsessed with creams and liquids and emptying these out, putting them on his arms/legs/face. Everything I can think of is out of reach but he still manages to find things, or my older DC forget to put stuff away and he immediately goes for them (case in point: 2l bottle of coke all over the kitchen floor tonight)

• All bedroom doors have to be closed or he will ransack them. Shampoos and shower gels have to be put up high. Front and back doors have to be locked or he goes straight out, no matter the time.

• He will hit us all, repeatedly and hard if he doesn’t get his own way. He will pick at my skin and scratch me. He will use his feet to try to hurt me by either kicking or pushing parts of my body with them

• He will undress himself as soon as I put clothes on him for nursery in the morning (I work p/t but over 5 days on reduced hours). He will take his shoes and socks off in the buggy or the car. He usually throws these at me. He screams blue murder in the car, always has done

• Every single mealtime is a complete disaster. He is strapped into a booster chair and will last 2 or 3 minutes before he is screaming to get out or throwing food (yes, I’ve tried just letting him sit at the table in a big chair but he just gets down and fucks off). He will then scream and scream and scream until he is allowed to sit on my knee to eat his food. Sometimes I feel like I have to give in because my poor older DC are trying to eat their tea and he is just screaming. We (me and DC - I am a single parent) sit around the table every night to eat and every single night is the same.

• He constantly wants snacks and will meltdown every time he is told no. He has structured mealtimes at nursery and I replicate those on the weekend, it makes no difference.

• He will scream the entire time he is in the bath, no matter what. Bathtime now takes about a minute.

• Every single bedtime is horrendous. I’ve coslept with him since birth because he wouldn’t sleep anywhere but on me. It was desperation for some sleep and rest that made me cosleep but I absolutely hate it and don’t want him in my bed. I am touched out beyond words by bedtime and it takes an average of an hour to get him to sleep. I’ve tried putting him in his own bed and leaving him, tried the method where you sit on the chair and move it nightly, tried everything I can google and nothing works

I am at my wits end. His father left when I was pregnant and doesn’t have any contact with him - his choice. I don’t have any family. I don’t know how to keep going. I keep telling myself it will get easier but I’ve been saying it since he was born and it hasn’t yet. I’ve tried to do everything “right”, I’ve read all the books and forums, my parenting approach is firm and clear boundaries, but I am fair and gentle with lots of cuddles, physical contact and play. I try to get down on his level and I try to understand what he’s trying to communicate by behaving the way he is. He gets one to one time with me every day where we share a story or draw together, or play with something he chooses. I’ve been using water play to help him through the emptying stage but it’s never ending. I have locks on absolutely everything to mitigate the ransacking but it’s at the stage where I can’t even put make up on around him because he will try to force himself between me and it and empty the bag out to play (yes I’ve tried giving him his own).

Nursery say he is “brilliant” most days, developmentally on target and they have no concerns about him. He is an angel for friends. It’s me. I feel like he hates me. I try desperately hard every day with him and it’s never enough. don’t know how to get through this.

Any advice will be most gratefully received. Please be kind, I am honestly at rock bottom.

Bloody hell OP, you sound like an amazing mum.

Your DS sounds such hard work.

You are doing brilliantly just hanging in there.

I hope someone comes along with some helpful advice. But know that you are doing great, this will pass.

FTM and my DS is only 1 so a lot younger but I just wanted to say you sound like an amazing mum. You're doing nothing wrong. Virtual hug and hand hold. It's never easy, at any age, and anyone doing it alone deserves a bloody medal and total admiration they really do
Hopefully others come with some actual advice but I didnt want to read and run.

Xx

Thank you @SpringOn @Cluelessfirstimer for being so kind. I honestly don't know what to do, it just feels never ending

So hard OP- I hate the toddler years, but to be fair your son sounds particularly demanding. How do you deal with the hitting and anger outbursts? How’s his speech?- my youngests speech is quite delayed and the tantrums are so much worse.
what happens if you leave him to sleep alone?

@NameChangerer23 please do not feel any shame, you're doing an amazing job.

My youngest DC is very similar to this still at 3.5. They also have some other traits that have led us to seek advice from our HV, who has referred us on for assessment for ASD. I am not saying this because I think your son has additional needs, but more because I know the feeling of sheer helplessness that you're feeling now. It took me a long time to reach out to the HV as everyone told me DC was fantastic for them and they had no concerns, until eventually some family members started seeing it too and agreed it was much more than normal toddler behaviour.

I wish I could offer practical advice but honestly I'm still very much in the same boat, so at least solidarity

Thanks @OnlyFoolsnMothers - with the anger outbursts and hitting, I firstly move him away from whatever or who ever he is hitting and tell him a firm "no". He just laughs at me, literally. I've tried "thinking time" where he has to sit on the chair for 1 or 2 minutes and isn't allowed to get down (I will stand over him otherwise he just gets straight down). I try redirection if he's not being violent, or getting outside in the garden because that's sometimes helpful.

His speech is okayish, a little delayed in my opinion. Nursery say he's okay, they are not worried other than his pronunciation being a little behind. However, what they (and me) have experienced is he won't use his words, instead just standing wailing at people or making grunting noises to try to get his needs met. He absolutely has the words but refuses to use them and then has a tantrum because no one knows what he wants. One of my older DC has ASD and was completely nonverbal until he was almost 4; he did a similar thing and I used PECS with him. This feels like a defiance more than anything.

He's currently rolling around the floor screaming because his brother left the juice out on the bench, he got it within seconds and was caught seconds later trying to pour it out all over the floor. I am desperate to get to nursery before I lose my mind

Oh, sorry @OnlyFoolsnMothers - if I leave him to sleep alone he gets out of his bed and screams at the gate in his door (the last remaining one he can't open). He absolutely will not give it up. I haven't left him long enough for him to scream himself to sleep at the gate though I have been sorely tempted

Thank you so much @DrMirandaBailey 💐 you have nailed it. It is sheer helplessness. I have two older DC with ASD and one with traits so the pathway is a familiar one - it's tough but hang on there (and if you do get a diagnosis, search out the National Autistic Society's EarlyBird programme as it was a lifesaver for me). I'm questioning whether this is a case of an additional need, or just a very wilful (and destructive) personality. I honestly don't know but I have decided to talk again to nursery today. I'm frightened they will think I can't cope (I'm really struggling) and judge me. But I can't go on like this. It's badly affecting my mental health day after day. It's just relentless

Oh @NameChangerer23** that sounds so tough but you sound like an awesome mum! I have no pearls of wisdom unfortunately but I think it's a good idea to speak to the nursery again and maybe get your GP or HV more involved too.
Hang in there

I don't think it's defiance. It sounds like it could be sensory related. With the putting creams all over himself, extreme dislike of clothing and car seat for example. Lots of very very disregulated behaviour described here too. If there are sensory issues then the dysregulation could be building up eg at nursery and then spilling out at home.

I'd ask about referral for the ASD assessment since there's family history. It doesn't always appear in the same way.

I keep being recommended the book Self Reg by Stuart Shanker. Haven't read it yet but it's been recommended from so many different places it must be good.

Agree with @BertieBotts I would speak to your GP and health visitor and explore an ASD referral as you have a family history and it can manifest in different ways.

Sounds like sensory issues - wanting to put cream on wanting to take clothes off etc.

I would continue to do what you are doing - thinking what is it that he wants to do - opening/emptying etc. and seeing how he can have an opportunity to do this in a way that causes least destruction and stress. Not easy I know and you sound like an amazing mum.

Not sure if this would be recommended advice but think if in your position would choose my battles and if for instance sitting on your lap makes for an easier mealtime would go with that

@NameChangerer23 thanks for the tip, I'll look into that when we get to that point.

Definitely talk to nursery but it probably wouldn't hurt to contact your HV also, I know they can often be useless but with your older DC having ASD they may be able to refer you on for additional support or assessment if you feel that's the route you want/ need to go down.

If nursery do judge you then shame on them, they should be working with you to offer support where they can. You're doing fantastically and don't let them make you doubt yourself