My son has realised what an excuse for a Dad he has and I feel so ssd

[Sweetsweets]

My son who is almost 14 has broken down in tears today saying he wishes he had a Dad that cared, I left his Dad 4 years ago he goes there once a week his Fad is totally disinterested in him he doesn’t take him anywhere or do anything with him he’s always negative about my son, he lies to him all the time, my son has just seen this for himself and is heartbroken he says his Dad cares more about his dog than him, his Dad has always been totally selfish and arrogant and I’d hoped he may change but he’s got worse I have told my son he need not go there if he doesn’t want to, but I feel devastated for him I don’t know how to make things better and I feel I have failed him!

I really feel for your DS. I haven't got any answers but just didn't want you to go unanswered

Your son needs to understand that his Dad's behaviour is no reflection on him as a person. What are his paternal grandparents like?

So horrible when children realise that their parents are a waste of space. I'm in the same boat although they discovered a few years ago. Makes me feel guilty for not seeing his true colours before I had kids with him

I worry about something similar, if I likely leave my DH. You have not failed your son.

I'm sorry @Sweetsweets

My DC have all had to have this realisation too. At different ages, in each case.

However, as sad as it is for them, the realisation is ultimately empowering. One of my DC continued his relationship with his father for some time after the other 2 had stopped. His father behaved very badly & there is no relationship now. He admitted afterwards that he felt huge relief in the end as the stress & uncertainty of engaging with his father was exhausting.

We would wish they didn't have this experience of course but ultimately it's better they've achieved the awareness & can decide how to proceed.

You haven't failed him.

Why? Because you are there for him.

There are too many parents, mostly men but some women, who don't give a shit about their child(ren) and unfortunately your son is one of them.

People change and mature, sometimes for the worst.

It ain't your fault like it isn't your children's fault.

Thank you @Reugny I wish it took away my eternal mum guilt!!! Thank you for your kind words though they are very greatly appreciated xx

Keep telling him he deserves more, it's his father's failing, his father's loss, his father's lack of empathy / depth and above all else, to repeat - he deserved a great father. That was what he deserved. You'll be there to support him through that injustice.

I gave that message to my daughter and she has turned out with a strong sense of her self, she can't be manipulated, she knows it's him not her. She seems in a good place, she knows he's useless but she also knows it's all about him.

I knew other single parents who went down the path of Daddy is so busy! He loves you but the new baby with his new wife takes up a lot of time! path, and it doesn't address the feeling of rejection that the child feels. Their feelings of rejection weren't validated.

yes, I also feel guilt for having brought children in to the world with such a basic flawed specimen but it's the one thing my daughter has never questioned. She wouldn't be HER, or HERE, if I'd had a stronger self-esteem at the time, ykwim.

You have not failed him. Do not take this on yourself.

Validate your son's feelings and say to him - frequently - that his dad's behaviour is no reflection him.

It is painful to watch but actually healthier for your son to recognise the reality than continue thinking this treatment is good enough or all he deserves. It is a sign of self-esteem that he knows there could be more. It is also likely a sign of him comparing how you are with his dad.

Do not make him go if he does not want to, it is up to him.

Something else to think of is there is possibility of decent dad like relationships still? Eg my DH had similar and these things happened

• he married and FIL is ok and does some dad things like DIY
• his mum remarried and step dad is kind and likes gardening and sport
• had relationships with bosses at work 20y older that are a bit 'fatherly' and kept in touch on linkedin and met for drinks after working tog stopped
• made friends with neighbours 30y older where man widowed and always wants to be useful with the car the fence, having a pint
• plays football with men 15-20y older (just coincidence) who are caring and give advice and are nice to the sons when they play and invite to big matches at the pub

So id say as a 40y old my DH has a lot more 'Fathering' around him that he did as a teenager.

Maybe your son should look to cultivate these sorts if situations?