Ungrateful 5 year old

[Embarra55ed]

DC1 has just turned 5 and I’m struggling at the moment with how to deal with him. Whatever he gets, he will find some reason to complain about it rather than being happy and I’m worried that he is really spoilt. E.g. tonight as a treat I gave him and his sister a homemade ice cream (well, shop bought components but assembled at home - really nice cone, 2 flavours of ice cream, nuts and a flake). I thought he would be delighted but instead of thanking me he immediately started complaining that he hadnt got 3 flavours (I hadn’t given him coffee as knew he wouldn’t like it). This is typical of him.

I told him I’d tried really hard to give him something lovely and it was rude that he hadn’t thanked me, and he did then say sorry and thank you, but how can I work on the first reaction? Is it just because he’s 5? (His 2.5 yo sister is nothing like this, but then he probably wasn’t at 2.5 either!) Will he grow out of it? Do I need to be stricter? Tbh when he started whinging at me tonight I felt like taking the lovely ice cream away from him.

I think you’re right that it wouldn’t necessarily have been obvious to him that it was meant to be a nicer treat than normal, but it’s not true that I was trying to impress him! It was a treat that we were all having together. He gets loads of 1-1 time with me and DH.

I’d ideally like to avoid using food as reward for behaviour and hopefully create an environment where he behaves well because that’s what is expected but it’s a tricky one to navigate and I don’t know the right answer hence posting here.

Don't assume he can easily control his responses. If he has autism, his negativity could be his natural first reaction.

I have autism and automatically have negative thoughts and have to try very hard to stop myself saying what's in my head.

He doesn’t have autism, but I think it’s still valid. He can’t control his responses as he’s only 5! I was asking how to help him so that his first response was something different and I’ve had some really helpful advice, so thank you all 🙂

Mothers treating their sons like little emperors, going further and further to please them and desperate to receive love and gratitude back, then wondering why the little shits are arrogant and ungrateful.

I think responses like this for their sort of age can just become a habitual response. So it's like resetting his habits.
Our DS is grateful and always appreciates what he is given but he went through a little phase of always pushing his luck for one more, it was just a habit as he never got the one more.

It started to grate on me, so i started a rule. If your response is "one more" then i take one away🤣. So if he asked can i watch tv I would respond in one sentence. "Yes, you can watch 3 programmes, remember its 2 if you ask for more, be grateful for the 3" If he asked can i have sweets, i say "yes, 4 haribo and dont forget if you ask for more you get less, be grateful you have 4" So, it just breaks the habit of the response.
It took a week and he stopped asking.

Are you actively seeking out old posts just to criticise parents?

How strange.

My 4 nearly 5 year old is similar. I put it down to pushing boundaries and trying to be in control (of HIS life not yours). I don't think he's trying to control you etc etc and I definitely wouldn't have taken it off him. That feels reactive and authoritive which is how I was brought up and it just made me feel that my parents love was conditional.
I think people have suggested good ways of dealing with it. Come up with an easy to implement strategy and stick to it. That way it won't feel personal or reactive but just the way it is. Eg I started saying to mine... "If you nag, you don't have." To try and stop him nagging for things.
I definitely feel like since he started full time school in September and his little brother has come along he's going through some testy phases at home.
It's a hug adjustment being so controlled in school all day etc. It's also hard not to take the easy option and give in when you're busy and tired. X

It's not the 80s don't take the ice cream away he's 5 ffs! Just explain to him he's being rude punishment isn't going to make him more grateful at his age. His brain is not developed enough to understand how to act like an adult would.

Let your inner teacher out. Tell him what you're going to do, offer choice (where appropriate). Do the action. Reflect back on what happened.

E.g. DS, we are going to have ice creams. If you'd like some you can have two scoops. Do you want vanilla, chocolate or coffee. It's two scoops only so pick carefully. Make sure he says please when choosing. Repeat it back to him ("you've asked for two scoops of chocolate, please").

Hand over the ice cream and make sure he says thank you (tell him to do it if he forgets). Remind him he chose two scoops of chocolate and there is no more ice cream once finished, then let him eat it. When he's nearly done, you can mention "wow you're almost all done, when you're finished please carry your bowl over to the sink" so the opportunity to ask for more or moan is reduced as an action in required.

Reflect- well done you've eaten that nicely, was it tasty? Thank you for putting your bowl over there. Which flavour did you like most? Would you choose a different flavour next time or pick the same? (While he's following the instruction).

It sounds like a lot and a bit ridiculous when written down but it's actually very quick to do and reduces the opportunity to be negative.

Everything you've said so far is very normal for a 5yo to moan about though and it's just using modelling to reframe or redirect them.

He is a small child. Its not about the icecream, there is something in his life that is bothering him and making him act this way. Try to get some counselling or do some reading.

I think sometimes having a sense of humour while making a valid point can have a stronger impact.

For example if my dd complained about her icecream like that I would respond with mock surprise and say: ‘Oh, so you don’t want this? I could get rid of it for you but there won’t be another one. Dd would respond with saying: ‘no she wants to eat it’ and I would say ‘are you sure you want to eat it?’ ‘YES.’ ‘Ok, then don’t you think you should say thank you?’ ‘Thank you mummy.’ ‘You’re welcome.’

If dd is rude I’ll feign that I can’t hear her until she asks nicely. ‘What was that?’ Hand held behind my ear. ‘I thought I heard a noise.’ Repeat’s demanding in a rude way etc. ‘Sorry, can you repeat that? I can’t understand what you are saying.’ When repeated in a nice tone of voice and more respectfully I will suddenly be able to hear what she is saying.

Sometimes when she Is misbehaving I will say: ‘Who are you?’ ‘Muuuuum I’m your daughter!’ ‘No, you couldn’t be. My daughter would never behave like that. She’s much too nice. What have you done with her?’

(As for the icecream, If it was something that she really didn’t like the taste of then I would offer an alternative. I do think having some choices is important).

Are you actively seeking out old posts just to criticise parents?

Fail, i didnt even notice that 😔

This is a bit of a mindset thing. My eldest is like this and my others are not. I think you handled it perfectly. We have introduced a gratitude thing at dinner where we speak about the best part of the day. I am also conscious of speaking positively about the day - it seems to help. Taking things away or coming hard down on this will just give more to these feelings I think.

Oh FFS I didn’t realise it was a zombie thread 🧟‍♀️

Appreciate this is an old thread but op did you have any success with getting some more gratitude thrown your way? My DS1 (age 7) is like this to a tee (always moaning, immediately being negative about fun stuff, wanting just a bit more than what is being offered and trying to negotiate everything before it’s even happened - eg if I say sure you can have 30 min tv time, without blinking he’ll say “35!” I think it’s just a tricky personality as his younger brother is nothing like this! Frustrating when you’ve made an effort to do something nice.

@elmooie it does sound like the technique mentioned by PP would work for you then i.e. if you ask for more then you get less. So it's 30 minutes, if you ask for more then it's 25.