I really dislike my toddler at the moment

[Zyxx]

The tantrums are horrendous and seem to last forever. I also have no idea what brings them on - sometimes there’s a reason but other times it is literally nothing. I’ve started putting him in his room for two minutes to try to diffuse the situation but it doesn’t work (nothing works in fact) latest one just now lasted over half an hour and I’m exhausted by it. He’s so nasty with them, punching and shoving and screaming and hurling things around. It seems to have come out of nowhere (he’s two and a half.) It makes days so fraught … not sure what I should do as all the advice online just doesn’t work!

So yesterday we were out in the morning, I tried to get him to have a nap but no luck. So just thought we’d play in the garden but then he had an absolute meltdown because he wanted to close the gate which I let him do but the latch wasn’t in place so I put it there and he went absolutely berserk. DH was around and couldn’t get any work done, it was just awful. Put it down to tiredness, but today he’s had a good nap and woke up from it in an absolutely foul mood and had a meltdown for no reason at all that we could see, literally woke up and started screaming.

It's just sounds like the terrible twos tantrums are what developmentally shape your child they don't know how to regulate their emotions and calm down you just have to let them have their episode sorry to say but it's completely normal what your experiencing but you aren't doing anything wrong kids just got through these phases my 12 month old is going through something developmentally aswell and his tantrums are just so draining but he doesn't understand we just gotta persevere x

I have a 2.5 y/o boy and I could have written your exact post. The tantrums are biblical, it's really hard to bring him round from one and they just start over the smallest thing. E.g.

• I won't let him hold a sharp knife
• I put his bike in the car but he wanted to put it in the car
• he wants to climb into the car seat on his own, but when I let him he faffs instead of climbing in
• I won't let him carry the toilet roll holder upstairs

All of the above = 20 min tantrums. And he bits and kicks me (mum) a lot, nobody else though.

I'm hoping it's a phase, all we try and do is stay close/offer comfort and for hitting remind him kind hands and/or move away so he can't hit.

It's so tiring, especially in public. I get it and you have my utmost sympathy 💙

You have my sympathy, I have a two year old too!

The most helpful advice I’ve gotten about toddler tantrums is not to try and stop them completely.. they are developmentally normal and even beneficial to an extent (though not pleasant for anyone at the time!).

If a tantrum can’t be prevented, I just work on getting through them. For my DS, the thing that works best is to sit near him without touching him whilst pulling an over the top sad face. I keep calmly repeating something like ‘oh, it sounds like you’re really sad Mummy wouldn’t let you play with the knife/run in the road/sit on your baby brother’s head. You can have a hug when you’re ready’. It doesn’t stop them instantly but does reduce the duration.

Once he’s calmed down I’ll chat about why I wouldn’t let him do whatever it was in toddler terms (though it usually takes 10 tantrums before the message gets through!).

I think different things work for different DC. I could see my DC1 looking at me to gauge my reaction so I walked away and ignored them. Tantrums soon stopped.

DC2 hadn't got any sort of control at all once she started getting upset or frustrated and tantrums were horrendous. The only thing that helped her was to hug her until she calmed down.

What a relief to read your post op as not overly fond of my toddler lots of the time right now. I know it's developmental and will pass blah blah but it's exhausting to deal with and combined with bad nights from both DC my patience is so thin I'm probably not dealing with the tantrums in the best, tantrum shortening way. Ah well, this too shall pass. No helpful suggestions, but solidarity.

I can rennet going out with DSIl and her family when all of our DC were about about 8 & 6.

A toddler kept moving so it was by DSIL and then screaming. She couldn't get away from them fast enough and said "I barely had any tolerance for mine at that age, I'm certainly not dealing with anyone else's screaming toddler".

I think they just about sums up how most people feel about screaming kids

I always think of tantrums as like storms moving suddenly in, or almost like a haunting. The toddlers are just as out of control of them as we are. Would thinking of it like that help?

The cause is the gap between their understanding and their ability to communicate. Maybe concentrate on the communication?

Oh and the shock tactic of just joining them on the floor crying does work sometimes. You probably feel like it anyway.

Sending solidarity, OP, and others on the thread. My 2 and a half year old is going through the same thing. She's at nursery full time because I work full time - I go to work for a break, quite frankly - and I really struggle on the weekends because she's out of her routine. I have two older DC and can't remember them ever being as tantrumy as this but I entirely accept I may have selective memory loss. It does get easier, OP. I found once they could use their words to communicate more effectively, they're able to have their needs met more easily, without all the flailing and screaming.

@Zyxx no advice, but sending a handhold and solidarity. DS (2.5) was a placid and amiable little man but the last two weeks have been hell. Has good speech but has been throwing violent tantrums lasting half an hour for no apparent rhyme or reason. Just woke up from a nap and went beserk. Let's hope this phase passes soon.

I find that it helps to see the aim as a making sure they and everyone else is safe until they’ve come through it. It might be worth setting up a safe contained space you can put them in while they’re violently flailing around. Then you can sit nearby and let them get on with it. And then offer cuddles afterwards. Sometimes even speaking to them makes it worse.

Doesn't help when you’re in the supermarket or whatever. Although, IME, of standing next to a child determined to throw a huge tantrum in Sainsbury’s fruit and veg department is that people are sympathetic and want to help. The woman working in the Argos concession helped me to keep him contained til he was reasonable enough to deal with.

It does get better.

The cause is the gap between their understanding and their ability to communicate. Maybe concentrate on the communication

I've always found that too. I excellent advice

Thanks. I am relieved it isn’t just me as it’s really hard not to think it’s something you’re doing / not doing when they are clearly so unhappy.

There is absolutely no reasoning with him and any attempts to hug or to show understanding/sympathy seem to make him even more furious. I do know one of the problems is DH and I deal with it differently and DH won’t leave him be and tries to jolly him out of it, giving him toys and so on but he just starts hurling them round in rage.

I also think a trigger is he isn’t drinking or eating enough in the day but again if he’s offered he gets angry. I don’t know how to manage that at the moment. I’m sure this afternoon he was very dehydrated but screamed if I offered a drink!

Honestly OP, you're not doing anything wrong. They are unquestionably unreasonable, astonishingly stubborn, and unfathomably livid at times. Have a look at Big Little Feelings on IG and also Dr Becky. I've used them both as my go-to on many occasions. You're not alone 💐

Can you try to agree a way of dealing with it with your DH.

Often they really do just need the space to have the dysregulation play out. Trying to talk to them at all can prolong things.

Space and then jollying along once they’ve calmed down to respond is a good idea. They’re not going to want to sit through a retrospective afterwards, and that makes a bigger deal of it. Just move straight on once they’re calm enough to do so.

Ok so if you don't think that he's recognising when he's hungry or thirsty as well as having monumental tantrums, how has he done on his last Ages & Stages with the HV?

The drink could just be because he was holding out for a nicer drink but some ND do have difficulty recognising that they are thirsty or hungry.

Make sure he's drinking enough, it makes it worse if they're thirsty, hungry, tired etc.

Sorry didn't read whole thread - have you tried exciting drinks like squash, milkshake, ice pops etc?

I’m not sure what the ages and stages thing is, sorry? It doesn’t make any difference what the drink or food is. He just refuses. It’s such a vicious circle!

Try to get it in early, before it can become a problem. Even if it’s an ice lolly for breakfast.

Yes I do thanks but he obviously needs more through the day than a drink at breakfast. Today we had early lunch at about 1145 and he had a few sips of water then. His nap was 1230-130 and he woke up from it in a foul mood and refused anything to eat or drink before finally having a drink at around 330. So nearly four hours with no food or drink but if he refuses, I can’t force him!

Ages and Stages; Meeting developmental milestones: 2y check.

I love the 'conscious disipline' approach. Part of it is doing 'i love you rituals'. Sounds super cheesy but my 2.5 year old loves them and has started requesting them. It means he gets positive attention and if I'm having a tricky day it cheers me up too! Your job isn't to stop the tantrums, just be there with him when he's having them and ensure you stay calm so your not contributing towards the stess

Can you say more about this please?