Hi.
I'm a father, with a 9 year old son (M). I left my partner 4 years ago, as the relationship was toxic and not something I wanted to model for my son. Constant arguments, raised voices etc. It was ugly and neither of us showered ourselves in glory tbh.
A lengthy, expensive legal fight ensued. I was accused of abuse, which was false. She spread stories around the village which were untrue about me being 'controlling.' In hindsight, I've realised that the controlling behaviour was hers. I was trapped in a terrible relationship, by emotional control, because I felt walking away would result in her doing something terrible. She has a history of mental heath struggles, and I felt I couldn't leave. It was exposing our son to it, that made me act and leave.
Sorry, that was important for context. I'm not looking for an echo chamber, or writing here because I feel you will write what I want to hear. I'm going to just try and stick to the facts now.
Four years on, I am happily married. I have a wonderful wife who loves M as much as I do. They have a really positive relationship. The environment is positive, no arguments or shouting. Ever. She was herself a divorcee from an abusive marriage. (control) She doesn't recognise any of the traits in me. In fact, it's the opposite. Im not a different person, so I don't believe I was ever controlling in my previous relationship.
M shows himself to be happy and confident in our care.
The Child Care Arrangement.
I enjoy more time with my son that most fathers. As our son was 6 at the time of writing, there are lines which ensure we must each facilitate phonecalls to the other parent on Xmas and new year. My ex takes this as the full extent to which indirect contact is allowed. No other phonecalls, no letters or cards allowed. I used to draw my son cartoons, and write short notes of care to show he was in our thoughts. These were all intercepted and withheld.
There is nothing in the order which expresses we should impede indirect contact. This is the important point to make, because she feels she should.
No is 9, he has a child friendly smart watch from us to take and receive phone calls, messages and pictures. His mother's view is that it doesn't fall within the parameters of the care arrangement and he doesn't feel like he can use it by proxy of this opinion.
He does want to use it. He uses it in our care, occasionally making calls to his mother. We are fine with that. Totally. But he feels the need to switch it off when he goes back into his mother's care.
What should we do? How can we correct his view of what is allowed in the 'rules'. I've explained to him, the rules are there for mum and dad to follow, not him. I also told him, there are no rules for him not to be able to talk to us with his on phone or watch or anything! He doesn't believe me though.
My worry is, he is under the same emotional control I was under. Fearing from upsetting his mother...