Who arranges child care when 1 parent goes away?

[EL8888]

Husband wants to go to a festival next year that goes on for 5 days -3 week days and 2 weekend days. He seems to assume l will take annual leave to facilitate this -they are cared for by a combination of 2 days at a child minders then between us as do the rest. We both work. I’m not thrilled by having to do 5 straight days of solo parenting of our children and most likely having to use some of my annual leave for the privilege. I suggested as he’s so keen to go, then he try to find some cover for the days he usually has them e.g. grand parents. We are fairly new parents so lm not sure what people usually do about this kind of thing?

I do it, it makes him a better parent, human and husband. However I am no matyr and I will do the same (poss not a festival) for my down time. I don't use my annual leave though and have to be honest I LOVE having the whole bed to myself! I'd ask grandparents now and see if is doable and then start thinking about where you want to have your down time. However I grew up going to festivals (we have done a lot together, and taken the kids) so totally get the brain and soul reset to living in a field with music gives you.

Cover each other but make sure you get equal time off.

If I was going away, dh organised any childcare needed for when he's at work.

If he was going away, I'd arrange for childcare I'd need.

The only time the arson took g away sorted it was if the other already had something booked, say I was out with friends one evening for a show or something, he'd arrange any childcare needed for that evening and if he couldn't then he wouldn't go away if it meant I had to cancel.

But, it was never just assumed, it was discussed, the question is, if you were having a week away who would he expect to plan the childcare? If he'd expect you to make the plans before your own break then he should make them for his.

Arson took g way? I swear this phone makes shit up, that should be person going away.

People usually talk and work it out together as a couple.

Same as @CaffineChaos for us.

I mean, our dc were in child care on our working days anyway so we wouldn't have had to take leave - I'm a bit confused by what you do normally, if I'm honest. However, when dh goes away for a weekend then I would look after the dc, and if I needed to be somewhere else during that time, I would arrange a babysitter, and ditto if I were away then dh would look after them or, if he needed to do something on one of the days, he would sort a sitter if it were during a time I were away and he was in charge.

However, 5 days looking after your own dc doesn't sound that much of an ordeal, unless you are going to tell us you have 3 sets of twins who are all under 5 or something ?

Presuming this isn't a regular monthly thing and you never get time off, as you would have mentioned that.

If it’s 3 weekdays, what day/s does he usually cover? All of those? One, or two? It changes what is reasonable, I think.

For instance if he’s usually off Fridays, but the DC are in childcare/with GPs Mon- Weds, then Thurs you cover, I’d definitely suck up a day of annual leave no bother. Or ask the childminder if they could do an extra day. And maybe invite my parents for the weekend or decamp, if I didn’t want to do it all solo for a stretch.

I think he shouldn’t expect you’ll ‘just handle it’ and should definitely help plan it but actually I’d expect to sort out what works for me, rather than rely on his plans. And then you know you get equal time off/away, which is pretty valuable, I reckon.

For us the person staying home with kids would usually sort it as it has to work for them.

Husband has gone away Skiing for a week for 30 years ! I took AL and enjoyed all the benefits ! No food ,conversation and me time for days once the children were asleep !

So out of 5 days of the week, your children are in childcare for two of the days.

What happens for the other three? As surely it’s only the days in which your husband has them on those three days that the two of you need to plan together. You continue to have them on your days as per usual and then the weekend, which would be extra. He then gives you a weekend off to recover from it, have a break, etc.

So it’s not five days of childcare, it’s the number of days on those five that your husband has them.

DH works away a lot and tbh I usually sort everything simply because I know when I'll need a hand and what. His parents live closest and know his schedule too so they phone me to offer to help too.

I went away with friends for 4 days recently. I tried to time it for least disruption but DH had to take a half day off to cover kids not in school. When they were younger and not in school, it was give and take.
Honestly though I sort everything so wouldn't leave it to DH to sort childcare as it probably wouldn't happen. And if you have enough annual leave it's not a huge issue to take a day or so off

If you have grandparents that can help so you don't have to take A/L then I'd do that. If not I'd ask nursery if they can do extra days and as a last resort I'd take A/L. I would expect DH to do the same so I could go away at another time.

I'm having a long weekend away soon and i just planned the days around when my daughter was in nursery, so for me Fri-Mon. No one had to take annual leave, all good.

I was in Berlin earlier this month again for pleasure, that was sat-tues but we flew into the airport at 8am. Tuesday is usually the day i look after her. My husband just got to work half an hour later that morning to give me time to get home.

The organisation is usually led by the person who's going to be away - sorting out cover for the bits they would normally do.

So if DH is away, he'd sort someone to take DS to football and rugby so that I was free to do what I usuallly do.

If it was in the week, he'd check with me (I'm freelance so have a lot of flexibility) and offer to book after school club / his parents for pick ups and babysitting if needed.

In short, if you go away, it's up to you to fill the gap you leave!

I’m away this weekend and luckily it falls in my husbands annual leave (we get rostered leave). If it doesn’t either he takes the days off, or I ask my parents to come and help. I’d do the same if he went away.

Yeah I'd normally take annual leave to cover him and he does the same for me.

I don't see it as either persons responsibility to sort, if we couldn't take annual leave for whatever reason then we'd figure out a solution together.

Generally whoever is going away approaches the other with a plan.

Something like I want to go to x place. The kids are at y on the wed and you're home Friday so I thought we could see if they can do an extra day at y?

And then we'd work it out between us. I don't expect him to do it all if he's going away but it's part of being in a relationship that we think of the effects our actions have on each other

I would have no issue helping out dh and looking after dc, he would then do it for me when I go away. We would just talk it through.

Yeah we talk and cover it between us (although my DC are a bit older now and not really needing such concentrated parenting as when they were younger). It doesn't really need to be as formally arranged for a couple as it would be for separated parents imo. If at short notice then I would maybe expect DP to be the one to sort things if it was him going away but even then it would default to me as a first option as the other parent. We have roughly the same away time as each other.

See, this is what l thought. Husband seems more of the mindset “lm going away so El is sorting it”. I’m more of the perspective no one should be assuming anything and a plan needs working out

It’s the assuming that has partly irked me. If l was going away, then l would assume l would be doing the organising

I did think arson was a bit strong under the circumstances 🤣

Yes it absoloutley should warrabt a conversation about how that week will look without him.

I've just arranged a weekend away for myself. I messaged dh "I'm planning a trip for X weekend. I'll sort cover for the Friday daytime, as I won't be here for the kids. I can't see anything in the calendar that says you've got anything booked for the Saturday and Sunday, so I'm booking on the assumption that you are free for the kids"

The normal run of things over the 5 working days is 2 days of childcare, 1.5 days looked after by mum and 1.5 days looked after by dad. So if he’s away then his 1.5 days would need to be covered. You are partially correct -they are twins and will barely be a year old.

Not anticipating it being a regular monthly thing and we both get some time off