3yo does everything I ask him not to do

[DR91]

My 3yo is 50% of the time a pure delight, well mannered, happy, very caring and gentle.

The other 50% of the time he honestly acts like he hates me, I totally understand he will push boundaries and want to do things I don’t understand, but there are some things he wants to do that obviously he just can’t and he just defiantly will do the opposite of what I ask and he laughs as he does so.

For example today we were painting and he started pouring paint on the floor, I said we don’t do that and if he does it again we’ll have to put everything away, he then did it again and as I then put everything away he was doing everything he could to throw more things on the floor making a huge mess. We went to the park and he was walking next to me, suddenly he started running down a hill and I told him to stop as it was way too steep, I tried to catch up but couldn’t and had he had a nasty fall, luckily nowhere near as nasty as it could’ve been. This is all in one day and most days there are similar things that happen. If he’s in one of his moods any slight inconvenience will lead to an almost constant high pitch scream.

I have no idea where to go from here and it’s making me feel like a terrible mum. At 3yo I want him to be able to walk next to me without me having to put him in a pram or hold his hand, I want us to do fun things but his actions make me feel like I can’t. He honestly goes out of his way to get himself into dangerous situations.

We give him lots of attention and positive reinforcements, he is surrounded by love and I can’t think of anything we do that would cause this. We don’t shout and we’ve tried ignoring the minor stuff which does work, but then I feel like I can’t ignore him throwing food/paint/running off. He has excellent understanding and speech and often says sorry unprompted after these events but it doesn’t stop him doing them again.

Such a hard age. Boundaries are to be pushed.

I would try and allow it where I can.

So painting, outside, or on a plastic sheet, go for it, it will wash off. Always before tea and bath here.

The running thing, no. So we run in grass, not on yards and paths. Farm kids. So many dangers. Reigns tucked in, don't listen, I hold on. Better that than a tractor gets them.

In town same, plus a trike, with harness.

I was hopeless at hinges like this, but with three and a huge amount of help from friends and here I've got better.

What are your hard rules. Eg for me no running in yard.

What does and doesn't matter. Paint on floor, not ideal, so how can you control that. It stays on tray, or you move it outside then ignore it.

Lots of choice, lots of patience, but set up things you still control.

Big bucket of water, outside or bathroom floor.

Paint in bath.

Ice paints.

Chalk in garden.

Stuff that's easy to clean up. Or ignore.

Then boundaries for the important stuff like road safety.

One thing I learnt (and it’s just one thing, it won’t be a magic wand) is the power of words. So choose your words wisely, rather than say “we don’t do this” say “we do this”. The point is to create an image in the mind of the behaviour you want rather than the behaviour you don’t.

So, “keep the drink in the cup” is different to “don’t spill the drink”.

I came across it many years ago on a TV programme where play specialists explained it. i think it’s referred to as Pink elephant. Here’s a link for you.

Best of luck!

https://happyrubin.com/nlp/formulating-positively/

Op my son is 3 in 3 weeks and he is like this too. I doubt it's anything you're doing wrong, I think it's massively to do with them wanting independence, asserting themselves and a power struggle

My god it's infuriating, especially when they know they're not meant to do stuff and do it to piss you off, but you're not alone! (DS has taken to weeing on the carpet if he doesn't get his own way at the moment - love that 🙃)

But it is all just a phase and some really helpful suggestions from pp

Oh I feel so heard. Its so infuriating I'm trying not to snap but I've had to walk away so many times today.

At 3yo I want him to be able to walk next to me without me having to put him in a pram or hold his hand, I want us to do fun things but his actions make me feel like I can’t. He honestly goes out of his way to get himself into dangerous situations.

You are expecting an awful lot. He is not 'going out of his way' to do things, he's only 3.

Agree with @BreakfastClub80 about framing things positively.

DS has taken to weeing on the carpet if he doesn't get his own way at the moment - love that

If it helps, I know someone who apparently used to do this - he ended up just fine

Agree with pp, always tell them what to do rather than what not to do.

I came on to say the same thing that pp said, tell him what you want him to do, not what you don't.

'Paint on the paper please'

'Stop next to that big tree'

Masses of praise when he listens.

Act swiftly when he doesn't. There's no need for second chances/escalating threats etc. If you ask him to put the paint on the paper and he doesn't just take the paint away, explain 'you're not able to keep the paint on the paper at the moment so we need to tidy that away.' if possible offer a second activity 'lets go and paint with water in the garden instead'. Approach it like you're on the same team, not that he's doing it to annoy you or be naughty. For example, when he runs off 'you're not able to keep yourself safe right now, so I'll hold your hand on this big hill. At the bottom we can practise you running ahead and stopping when I say stop'.

What can also work quite well is if you practise something like stopping when running ahead, with you running and him telling you to stop. It's a fun way to get them to engage with the concept and practising the idea.

Children develop common sense/a sense of self-preservation at different ages, he's probably just not quite there yet.

@wildfirewonder hahahah I'm sure DS will turn out fine too, he just knows it gets a reaction from me which is what he wants and I play into that every single time cause I'm a muppet 😂
They know how to push buttons these little hurricanes 🫣

You need to tell him what you do want him to do.

'paint stays on the paper'
'paint stays on the paper, or it's going away'
'ok, since youre not keeping the paint on the paper right now we'll put it away'

My little girl is exactly like this (which was a total shock, because my little boy is a total suck-up, always does exactly what he's asked etc, and I'd always assumed that was just because I was an awesome parent. Newsflash: turns out I'm not 🤣🤣)

Mine is a million times worse when she's tired. And she's like a amplifier for picking up on when I'm already struggling and then really ramping the behaviour up a notch. I have to be careful not to nag at her all the time- hurting siblings is a zero-tolerance hard no, but most other things are not worth the escalation.

Dd did the peeing on the carpet thing so I did the you made the mess you clean it up thing apparently cleaning up PROPERLY isn't fun you need to blot soap scrub blot again mammy I'm tired next time pee in the toilet and we won't have to do this if she did it in her clothes deliberately (she would defiantly tell me she was going to do it) I would include rinsing clothing washing herself drying herself cleaning up her mess putting everything in the washing machine

Took a few go arounds but she learned peeing doesn't mean she gets what she wants

, I said we don’t do that and if he does it again we’ll have to put everything away, he then did it again

You went wrong right there! You shouldn’t have said you’d put everything away, he’s 3 so he’s testing to see if you actually will.
You should try something like “that’s a shame, if the paint goes on the floor we’ll have none left to paint a picture. Look what mummy/the cat etc is doing”
So you’re distracting him/make him laugh/ and he’ll forget about putting paint int he floor. This is what I do with my 2.5 granddaughter, who will look at you as she’s doing this kind of thing, so she can see your reaction. I always distract and it really does work.

Similar to PPs I read that if you say don't throw the paint, at that age all they hear and visualise is throwing the paint and they have little impulse control. So let's paint the paper green, can you use the yellow in the paper? Almost narrating what you want them to do, is more effective than don't do/stop xyz. It's why nurseries say use kind hands not don't hit Jack.
Even with that though 3 year olds test boundaries and won't just comply mindlessly