Toddler behaviour

[bowsandrains]

My toddler can be challenging but it seems like I'm the only person in the world he misbehaves for. When he's with his dad / grandparents they seem to think he's an Angel but when he's with me he just shouts "no" constantly or whinges / screams at me.

I find him really difficult sometimes. Today he pushed another child at soft play and said "HA HA" when he made him cry. I felt awful!

I have an elder child who was never like this! Unless I've just chosen to block those W memories out...

How can I get him to listen to me and be more gentle?!

Was there a consequence for pushing the other child? A toddler has no filter or impulse control but providing firm boundaries helps them to learn. I would have given time out for pushing and taken them home if repeated behaviour.
It is a case of rewarding the positive stuff but tricky behaviour needs dealing with. So good behaviour at soft play could mean a babycinno or something they value. Tricky behaviour means straight home. Toddlers understand more than they verbalise and learn cause and effect.
Be heartened by knowing that your toddler plays up for you because they feel loved by you and secure in your presence. They feel safe.
As for rewards, your time and attention are the most important things.

We didn't do time out, but I did take him away and calmly explain what he did was unkind and that he must say sorry. He didn't say sorry, but he took a toy over to the boy so I think that was his way of apologising. I did also warn him if it happened again we would go home

You 'calmly explained ' that he was wrong. Why didn't you get very cross?
Then you told him to apologize, but he didn't. I would have taken him straight home in that case.

Because if I'm totally honest I don't see the point in getting into instant angry mother mode because then he's just going to kick off back and whilst pushing was completely wrong, I don't think being cross would have helped right in that situation

Also by "cross" if you mean did I do an instant firm "no" - of course I did!!

Are you confident, or do you feel a bit intimidated by him or uncomfortable in a leadership role? It might be that others are more confident in their approach and he is looking for where the boundary is with you. I have struggled with this.

I don't think you need to be angry but confidence goes a long way.

Possibly as I feel (internally) like he's not going to listen anyway so why am I wasting my time? Of course I never let this spill out and always react to bad behaviour! I just feel so frustrated and upset with this stage. I find 2 such a difficult age!!!

Ok so you might just need some tools to help build success and that will in turn help your relationship and your confidence in being in charge of him 🙂

How to talk so little kids will listen is a great book.

There's also the incredible years which is popular and evidence based.

123 magic is popular though I don't personally love it but it's easy to follow and implement.

There's a free course on coursera called the ABCs of everyday parenting which is good and practical.

Dr Becky's Good Inside can be helpful as it gives you what to do in the moment and what to do outside of the moment (though her voice is a bit annoying).

I like Janet Lansbury a lot too, she has a free podcast.

Toddlers are tiny little menaces, it is a fact. Ours one time at daycare told a teacher that she bit a friend "because she was hungry", she also told us that she hit a friend with a knive every day for about 6 months (she hadn't ever done this, confirmed by parents and teachers). They enjoy the reactions they get from us, whether it is positive engagement or negative engagement through their actions. Big Little Feelings on instagram has some good content on how to act when your toddler is testing boundaries, and when they do posts on meltdown mondays (people post all the things that week their toddlers have had tantrums over) it does make me feel more normal.