Brilliant 5 year old has moments of bad spiteful behaviour, how do we deal with it

[LostOnesMarbles]

5.5 year old eldest of our three kids. He's brilliant, intelligent and funny. But his behaviour at times is really bad and it comes out of nowhere. We had a brilliant day yesterday, took the kids out had loads of fun, a truly good day. And then we got home and he all of a sudden he becomes difficult after dinner, we get the 'nah nah nah nah nahs!' and does things like spit on the floor, then throws things at us whilst laughing, he genuinely knows how to aggravate us and push push push. He did this despite knowing if he was good he could stay up late after his brother has gone to bed.

We try to distract him, we try to get him to stop what he's doing but he takes ALOT of calming down. Usually sent to his room and maybe a couple of three times of speaking to him and leaving before he takes us seriously and calms down. He's also excellent at in the process getting his three year old brother involved who finds the whole thing hilarious and of course makes it difficult to diffuse the situation. We also have a 7 month old.

How do I deal with this. Today he was great until I mentioned homework for tomorrow. Then he's climbing on the playhouse (which he knows he isn't allowed to do) and he ended up going to bed half hour early.

We are exhausted and not quite sure whether he's crying out for attention even though we feel we are doing our best or maybe he's struggling to express his feelings?

Any advice would be great

Overtired and overestimated, perhaps?

Well first I would say at 5 this is probably to expected. The examples you give are after a big day out (probably over tired and over stimulated) and when homework was brought up at the last minute. I wasn’t a great fan of homework when mine were that age but if it has to be done it would be best to have a regular daily slot. That way it is not a surprise and they never have to do too much in one sitting.

Bloody hell it's hard 😅 it's like night and day. We arent convinced he's 100% happy with school so it may be I triggered it tonight, I would've sorted homework sooner but we have had a crazy busy weekend.

How do you deal with these outbursts. Ignore, punish, talk calmly, more attention? He's out first so we have no idea 🫣 he seems to know how to upset us. He can be really quite cruel.

Overstimulated not overestimated!

I think this is quite normal for any 5 year old. He’s had a busy and exciting day, been well behaved, is probably tired now and has lost control of his emotions. Getting his younger sibling involved just adds to the ‘entertainment’. With hindsight, I’d get homework done as soon as it’s received then it’s out of the way rather than tagged on to the end of a busy weekend. When he behaves badly, remove his younger siblings, don’t engage in trying to coax / cajole or shout him into stopping. In fact, ignoring it is better, and physically removing him from danger if necessary.
The time to talk about this is when he’s calm and more likely to listen. I feel your pain!

Thank you. It hadn't occurred to me he's overstimulated, I remember this from the baby days but naively didn't realise it still happens.

There needs to be a manual or something 😂

Quite relieved he seems 'normal'

It does read like overtired/overstimulated after a big day out... and leaving homework to the last minute.

Things that can help - having a plan for when to do homework (also at 5 it really shouldnt be much and if its a problem talk to the school). let them know in advance rather than springing it on them.

Also - my mum always said to me before I had my second that you suddenly see the eldest as "old" when they're not and it's really stuck with me. So we see you as having a "little" 5 year old who has barely started school - and look back as 5 as being really very young. But presumably because you have 2 littlies you expect a lot from "mr 5.." Hope that makes sense?

You tried to get a 5 year old to go homework after a busy day out. He was overtired and overstimulated. Give the kid a break. 5 is so tiny still. He’s finishing reception year and will be knackered. Chill out.

Noted 👍 think we both know we expect too much from him but we are very aware he is our first so we are feeling our way through it at all as well as having too very small kids. We just want to support him the best we can. He's an amazing kid. Going to dig out a few bits he can take away from his little bro for some down time when it all gets too much. Think me and DH need to take a deep breath 🙂

No advice but mine seems to enjoy doing things to wind me and his dad up for his own entertainment.. the last few months seem to have been much harder than when he was 4! Feel like some behaviour has been learned from new friends at school too which doesn't help x

One tip which could stand you in good habits for the future, especially for when they hits teens and going to friends houses - try and do all homework on a Friday night so you can enjoy the whole weekend without it hanging over you.

I agree with the others, he sounds over tired/stimulated. I bet he had to walk (hah, probably run) everywhere too so he's going to be more tired than you think.

Thanks everyone 🤗 surprisingly feeling better as we felt we doing something really wrong. We can work on this, bless him.

Aw go easy on yourselves x

My 5 yo is just like this at the moment. I'm just glad to read your post and feel solidarity.

I also try to distract and not engage with the 'bad' or silly behaviour, remove him if he's being aggressive, and talk to him about events when he's calm. We are also trying to praise the good, he gets stickers for being kind and following instructions well etc. and a small prize when he's got x amount. But it's definitely relentless. I'm constantly thinking about it and doubting my parenting. I also have a younger DC and feel that 90% of the nonsense centres around DC2. We are also trying to not just blame DC1 if it's both of them messing about, inevitably its DC2 that always gets hurt though so that's hard. I think it's all a combination of DC1 being sensitive, emotional, active and 5. His impulse control is zero in certain situations, although I'm getting better at recognising when things are going downhill, and better at diffusing.

Our school ran a behaviour workshop recently which I found helpful, children's centres also run similar things i think.

🤦‍♀️ I've just put a x in a mumsnet post. Still the point remains!

I quite like the idea of "playful parenting. " That's not ny natural style but sometimes we become so intent on "fixing" or "correcting " we forget to play. And connect. And make time. Life is so busy and kids are os often in the moment. And they really just want us.

Normal after a busy day. I can’t land anything on my 4 year old. I’d have to tell him at 9am that we were doing homework before bed and then remind him all day. I feel like all I do all day is remind him of the order of things to come for the rest of the day. It’s worth it for smooth transitions and minimal fuss though.

I blame myself as I hate things being dropped on me 😂

My thought was that he probably seems quite big to you as you also have a three year old and a baby.

But I have a 14 and 12 year old - and 5.5 years seems barely more than than a baby to me now.

It was interesting that you said he's five and a half and not simply "5". I guess may be you are usually expecting quite a lot from him (natural for eldest children).

I can really imagine a year one child being very difficult in the evening after a long and exciting day - shared with two younger sibs.

I feel strongly that homework should not even be a thing before school years 5 or 6 in preparation for secondary school . What on earth is the benefit for these littles after they have had a full day at school?