Marriage - unhappily parenting

[flannelbritches]

I really need advice as i don't know what to do. I have DD who is 3 years old. A baby that is a few months old. My DH works full time in a very stressful job and has a chronic illness that worsens through stress (he could lose his sight if he doesn't manage his illness properly - it's quite serious). I have a very good job too but currently on maternity leave (just mention to not drip feed).

My problem is, since I even first got pregnant I never go anywhere just for me. My husband will find a way to ruin it for me. He will go out then come back late, he will forget we had plans to see his family, he will insist on driving me and tell me to hurry up etc while I'm trying to get ready. If it's a plan that involves him (e.g: seeing my family) he will be all 'do we have to go!' and he will do something like start mowing the lawn when we are already late leaving the house. Even when a trip comes up for me he will straight away go 'oh well cancel that!'. He also has a way to make everything about him. For example, I was reading my baby book when he was in the room and I read to him 'oh between 4 and 6 months is the highest risk for post partum depression' and he then started talking about how HE had been feeling depressed.

We were together 5 years before we got married. We were incredibly happy. He is a really great guy. I support him a lot with what he wants to do. He has been on holidays with his friends the past two weekends and on Friday just gone he went out with his friends after work and got back around midnight.

I'm so desperately unhappy and I miss my friends. I'm starting to lose my friends too as I'm seeing they are stopping inviting me to things. I want to cry all the time.

I have talked to him about this. He tells me I should see my friends and he will support this. But the reality is different and it's different every single time.

I have thought about separating but I've been researching and this seems severe. Is there a step before separating?

I've suggesting therapy and date nights but he's not that interested. FWIW, he did take me out for the day in November.

Any suggestions welcome, but please bear in mind that I want to keep the family together and work through this. I just wish he realised how much a do for him and that I've given up everything.

I mean this with kindness @flannelbritches, he's not interested in changing and things are only going to get worse.

You'll end up 10 years down the line wondering why you stayed. The DC will be so much happier if you're happier too.

Start getting all the information together on both of your finances and start thinking about how to get him to leave.

I'd also ask @MnHQ to move this over to the Relationship section as you seem to have a DH problem and there are lots of experienced MNers in that section

Thank you, yes my first time posting on Mumsnet and wasn't sure what section. I do think you are right that we will end up splitting. The reality of realising it is hard but I've talked to him so much about the issues and he hasn't changed.

I nearly left him once. I packed a bag and had a hotel ready to book for a few days. I chatted to him and he said he would change, but he didn't. I also was about to break off our relationship when we were boyfriend & girlfriend but he proposed. Perhaps I should have broken it off then, but then I wouldn't have my wonderful children.

I want happy memories with my children, not him ruining every time we try go out.

Thank you for the honest response.

Agree with the above - start tentatively planning how life will look without him.

In the meantime, don't plan for things - just do. So if say he is in on a Saturday afternoon, just say to him "right, I'm off out, I'll be back about 9pm, I've given the kids kisses as they'll be in bed when I get home" and just go out. If a friend is free meet them, if not take yourself off on a walk or to a bookshop or the cinema or something.

I wouldn't jump straight to separation personally. Young kids are the toughest time in a marriage. Especially with a new baby.

It does sound as if your husband isn't coping either.

I'd give him another chance to let you get away for some you time. You could start at something like a spa day/ evening to yourself/ with friends every other weekend and he gets the same? Or whatever you think is reasonable

Tell him that if it's doesn't happen you need to go down a therapy route because you are not happy.

He probably doesn't realize how unhappy you are and if sounds as if he's not coping either.

He sounds controlling. Can you get hold of a copy of the book Why does he do that? You can find it quite easily online in PDF format. I found it absolutely illuminating. It also has a section on how to recognise whether somebody is capable of change although unfortunately, the answer seems to often be no.

You could try marriage counseling but be careful because often counseling starts from a perspective that you're both at fault and both need to make changes, it doesn't seem to look at the situation and see that (often) the woman is bending herself in two trying to make the relationship work while the man is actively sabotaging things. And in that situation trying to get you to bend even more while he expects glowing praise for his slightest effort is just likely to break you.

My DH has a chronic pain condition and found that it does push him towards fixed, inflexible thinking, and avoidance. Like you we had a very easy relationship pre kids but something about the noisy unpredictability of kids and the long slog of being in pain daily brings out controlling/avoidant dynamics.

I'm not sure if your DH has pain or distress relating to his conditions that could help to explain his behaviour? In our case his getting therapy and meds at the NHS pain clinic really helped and I paid privately for counselling too. But ultimately it does back slide and will always be a part of things.

^BertieBotts says. As always she is a voice of reason.

And with respect to the other poster, I think it's going to take a lot more than a fucking spa day to fix this relationship.

Can you talk to him about how without counselling you can't see how anything can change and therefore he's basically saying he knows you're unhappy and is ok with that?

That’s great advice. I think I need to do this for my sanity

Yes this is the issue. He is struggling too. I feel like he thinks because I’m home all the time (I’m on maternity leave) that it’s easier for me. Ultimately I would love my marriage to work & to grow old with him, but I’m not coping and I just don’t think I can do this anymore.

I think I will work out a plan accumulating the advice I’ve been given here: therapy, date nights, more time off for me etc. if there is no improvement and we split then at least I can look back with no regrets and knowing I tried my hardest.

no I haven’t heard if this book but I will check it out - thank you for the suggesting.

we’ve had a chat before about controlling behaviours.

oh gosh it’s such a mess.

im going to start with this book. Thank you

Sorry I don’t think I’ve been replying properly! I’ll try quite reply. His chronic condition is fine & symptom free if managed properly. If he doesn’t manage it properly he could go blind. It’s like diabetes but not as serious. I do encourage his hobbies to try help with stress and I let a lot more slide than I usually would

Just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone that has replied. I appreciate it a lot. Hopefully things will improve for us. Best xxx

He is making your world smaller and smaller and sounds INCREDIBLY controlling. I think you need to be careful because if you actually push back he could turn and you will see a very different side to him. If you don't feel able to face it just yet, read about controlling men, watch YouTube videos, learn more about the relationship you are in. The fact that you call him a really great guy isn't a positive thing, it's chilling. He is isolating you with a smile on his face behind a nice guy facade.