Need some advice for 4 year old

[PepsiLover]

I'm really struggling with the relationship between my 2 sons who are 4 years old and 10 years old. My 4 year old is terribly aggressive to my 10 year old. He will smack, headbutt, pinch, scratch, attempts to bite, spits on him, throws hard toys at him. Even when the oldest has been really hurt and cried he will still continue to hurt him, shows no remorse. My oldest has never retaliated and is in tears most times. I've tried a lot at this point, separated them, time out , explained we shouldn't hurt others. I've tried to focus his attention on playing and helping me with other things but he will scream and cry until he gets a chance to hit again. He doesn't lash out at me or children at school only his brother. I'm struggling, we all are. I've never agreed to smacking a child and it's so hard to watch this happen to my eldest. Any advice please

Sounds like a terrible situation to be in but as I’m sure you are aware they both need to be kept safe.

If you haven’t already done so I would speak to school to explain and see if they can offer any advice or strategies. If your 4 year old is only doing this to his brother he can obviously self regulate at other times.

You may think that there is no pattern but try to keep a discreet diary or some sort of tick sheet where you record the behaviour situation time of day etc. This should help you to identify any triggers e.g. having to share, morning routine, meal time etc. Google STAR analysis sometimes unwanted behaviour actually achieves something positive for the child such as extra time with or attention from you and this needs unpicking

A record will also help you to see any reduction in specific behaviour after new strategies are introduced.

Your 10 year old could use an agreed phrase e.g. STOP, no hitting/kicking and any adults can use the same
You can also say “ Hitting, no TV/ipad “ for e.g.

Maybe try doing something positive with them together and the minute your 4 year old tries to hurt his brother again use consistent language and remove him from the situation ( I know this would need another adult)

School really need to know as your 10 year old must be covered in bruises. He may need a safe space to retreat to whilst your youngest calms down if he is having a meltdown.