3 year old ignores praise

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Feeling like a rubbish mum at the moment. My toddler has been having issues at nursery for some time. He’s not really interested in others his age, he’d prefer adults, and has become aggressive (scratching, chasing, throwing and pushing).

Until recently (last few months) we didn’t have these issues at home. We used both negative and positive reinforcement, I.e. throws a toy, toy would be removed, told throwing isn’t acceptable if it happens again it’s time out, and when good behaviour was shown such as apologised after being naughty or sharing (he does struggle with this a lot) we give him high fives, say what a fantastic brother he’s being just as whole over the top praise, he’s three so go big or go home. After starting this within a couple of weeks timeouts were minimal still happened but not like when they started.

We changed our technique with him to try and mimic nursery because at nursery he was the opposite of the affectionate boy we had at home. No time out at nursery just ignoring the bad behaviour, so we limited the use of time out at home and obviously continued with lots of praise of the positive behaviour.
Since doing this he’s become much more out of control at home too, and being a toddler his new favourite word is no, and he now gets to a point beyond reasoning.

I’ve read every book and article and spoken to HV and docs. HV doesn’t ever see his behaviour as my son is very apprehensive around her and is an angel when she’s visited. Doc’s just say it’s all normal. Nursery tells me praise is key which is also supported by books etc. My issue is he’s not interested in the praise, he asks to go have a time out and just shouts no continuously. I’m scared of confusing him but he’s getting worse and worse with his behaviour. I’m introducing more structure and less free play and this seems to help but nursery don’t do this at all, it’s all free play and I’m worried he’s craving structure.

I’ve asked for referrals to a speech therapist as he’s not easily understood by anyone who isn’t family. I’ve also got an ENT appt to try and see if his hearing is effecting his speech and/or behaviour.

any ideas, advice book recommendations, studies, stories of similar experience etc will be greatly appreciated. He understands consequence of actions but I fear I’ve confused him with the nurseries approach of the ignoring of bad behaviour.

help please 😅 I’ve got a supportive husband and family so I want to adopt an approach that is consistent with everyone. Thanks

I'm a bit confused by your logic....you had a system that worked and the nursery had a system that didn't work? And then instead of changing the nursery (that doesn't work) you changed your behaviour management at home (that did work)?!

Why did you do that?

I agree with pp, you had a system that worked why would you change that?

If changing nursery is anything as hard where you are as where I am (about a 7 month waiting list I was told for one nursery the other day) I could completely understand why you would keep him there for now.

If it is possible though, I would absolutely move him to a nursery that suits his needs better.

Sorry you're going through this OP! What a nightmare

There are no other nurseries in the area the closest one is an hour away by car of which I only have 2 times a week, so changing nurseries before he starts school next April isn’t an option, we’re contemplating moving if my husbands job changes in the new year but I think moving is only going to worsen the issue and the feeling of instability. I only changed it following the advice of professionals as well as the fact he spends 4/5 days in childcare. I work those 4 days so I need him to be in childcare.

I would still use routines that work for you at home regardless of what nursery does.

Sorry if I come across as short or defensive I’m trying to keep my emotions out of it and I appreciate any advice no matter how brutal. I don’t know if it’s the method change or just that he’s now that bit older. He’s been in the same nursery since he was 15 months old.

Praise is good but even a 3 year old can see OTT praise as insincere and ignore it. Especially if he has to interrupt what he is doing for a high 5.

Maybe go for keeping things calm. Gentle praise for the good stuff and time out for the bad if needed.

This was my initial reaction. But they’ve mad it clear if his behaviour doesn’t change soon they can’t take him any longer because he’s literally scaring other kids. I’m snookered with that because I’d have to give my job which we cannot afford to do.

Fair point. The only thing he does like is high fives.

Where are you that school starts in April? Not being goady just wondering about age?

Wales. You can start the term of their 4th birthday

If it ain't broke don't fix it....go back to what works for you. Surely nursery don't ignore hurting or destructive behaviour they may not heap loads of attention but that doesn't mean ignore.

i agree on going back to what worked. This is what they have said to me, no negative reinforcement only positive.

My son doesn't respond well to praise unless he feels he deserves it. 'Good boy' for doing something fairly insignificant doesn't cut it. He resists all behaviour manipulation. It works better if you can be very specific about what you are praising him for rather than a general 'well done' or let him overhear praise when you are talking to someone else. Praise which is in anyway placing pressure on him to perform again gets a negative reaction.
I do very clearly say when behaviour is unacceptable (hurting others/being very rude) as he needs to be clear about this. I don't think praise or lack of it really makes children aggressive though- I would look at other causes- is the setting to loud/crowded? is he particularly anxious about certain things at nursery? Maybe it is the struggle to communicate. Nursery should really be trying to adapt things for him if he is struggling.
My son was ok at nursery but they struggled to get him to follow instructions and join in group activities- he was later diagnosed autistic and this now explains why certain things were tricky.

These are some really thoughtful points. thank you.

I’ve since sent formal requests and included HV and Docs in an email to the nursery to try and get everyone on the same page and so everyone is hearing the same situation so we can determine what exactly he needs in terms of support.

I want ti get to the bottoms of this asap. He’s never been great in in group activities he prefers his own company or other adults, since his sister came he’s better with younger children.

My kids went to a fantastic community preschool and one of their philosophies was ditch the OTT praise as it’s actually quite demeaning and kids see through it very quickly. When you think about it, whacking your brother with a toy, have toy confiscated, say sorry and then get high fives and told what a great brother you are? It’s a bit confusing for a 3 yr old who ends up with loads of attention for hitting their sibling.

Praise sort of just gets filtered out when there's too much of it. Instead of OTT praise and lots of 'amazing, fantastic!' about every little thing, which soon gets diluted into just background noise, focus on specifics: 'You worked really hard on that picture', 'I really like how gentle you just were with your little brother', 'I'm happy you listened to me when I asked you to go and do X'. Praise doesn't have to be exclamations and high pitched voices, it can be observing that hard work has been done, or that he has listened to you or just repeating back what he's done to show you've taken notice of it.

I think there's a good section on this in the How to talk so little kids listen book, which is well worth a read. Janet Lansbury might have written about it too.

Sounds to me like you're considering he may be autistic since you mention the social aspect several times. I get this flavour from your original post. Autistic kids often hate praise. He's very young but maybe keep an eye on it.