4 year old biting, please help me.

[Ohbloodyhelll]

My 4 year old has recently started biting, which at his age seems ridiculous and I'm gutted about it. He has bitten in school 4 times over the past 3 weeks, we went in and had a meeting with the head and bought "teeth are not for biting" book, we read it and we've spoken about using our words, how violence is never ok. He has been good at school this week, I picked him up today and his teacher said it seems to of sunk in and he was good as gold, I took him to meet a friend at softplay as a treat for being so good and within 10 minutes he had bitten another child. We left instantly, I had to physically drag him out screaming, he was hysterical in the car. When he calmed down he was begging me to take him back, I said no, asked if he knew why we left, he said because he bit someone, I asked why did he bite? He said the boy was holding his leg and he wanted him to go away. I said and what do we do next time someone is doing something and you don't like it? He said use our words, not bite. He said sorry. But I'm just gutted to be honest, why would this start now? He's 4, he has good speech, he can communicate and he understands it's wrong. Why is it happening? How do I make this stop? I know it's normal at his age, but what do I do?

Looks like everyone else's kids grew out of it long before 4!

One last beg for advice 🙈

Other than doing what you are doing there isn't much else you can do.

My last sentence should say I know it's not normal at his age

You were right to take him home straight away. It sounds like he was really unhappy to be taken out of the soft play and that might be enough to get the message home that biting is not going to be tolerated.

It can be normal, the first time was probably a frustrated impulse, then he realised it stopped the other child so did it again when confronted with disagreement.

It's the logic of a 4 year old.

As long as he's fine and there is no change with his behaviour elsewhere (no signs of iron deficiency for example) it's just one of those things, 4 is still very young.

These things happen.

I think your handling of it was fine, you are doing the right things. His responses to your questions make it clear you have taught him the appropriate way to respond to these feelings. He is just having trouble resisting this urge at the moment. Keep going, be consistent, and I am sure this will be a phase that comes to an end. It will click that biting = bad consequences. At 4, they sometimes struggle to see long term consequences over short term results. As a mother of a challenging 5 year old boy, I send you my sympathy and solidarity. You're doing a good job.

You did the right thing by taking him home immediately. Just keep plugging away, maybe a little chat in the car before going anywhere about your expectations re his behaviour and not biting anyone as well. He's getting the message so you will get there. I had a biter too, it's horrible, but she did grow out of it. Just keep on doing what you're doing.

I also had a biter -

You are doing the right things.

I agree with PP we had words in the car and clear consequences - IE leave early.

Also have clear rewards and praise when he doesn’t bite.

What you're doing is perfect.
He bites : immediate consequences. He can't be with other children for their safety.
He'll stop, don't worry but carry on what you're doing.

Nothing useful to add but it sounds like you are doing all the right things. I had a biter. I've still got a scar on my hand where - aged 4/5 he sunk his teeth in because he didn't want to hold my hand crossing the road outside school. He's an extremely well-balanced, gorgeous 24 year old now.

You did everything right OP and hopefully this will stop soon. Just one thing (you probably did this too!) - remind him beforehand what will happen if he bites so the consequence is clear to him in advance.

He’s done really well this week. Don’t lose sight of that. He’s managed to use his words and not bite all week at school. He had a slip when he was in an exciting place with lots of children and overstimulated (soft play does that to most children) but that doesn’t mean he’s back to square one.

Oh well that's all very reassuring, thank you. I will perservere and hope it is a short phase

Just checking in, hopefully things have improved now.

@Ohbloodyhelll Has this stage passed? My 4 year old has bitten twice at school since starting after a biting phase that I thought we had left behind when he was 2. I'm gutted and worried.

Same here! My DS is 4 and has bitten today and we thought he got over this stage!

sounds like YOU made the soft play situation 100X worse than it needed to be for your son. You had to take him out kicking & screaming to the point he was hysterical- why?? not necessary.

All you had to do was take him to a quiet corner no big deal & remind him why we don’t bite. If he does it again then you will then need to leave. One strike & you are out rule isn’t fair when he is clearly struggling to regulate his emotions / impulses. He’s a child they don’t regulate emotions like we do. Did you ask him his side of the story?

Next time remind him before soft play or a situation if he gets frustrated he needs to use his words. If whoever he’s with is not listening he needs to walk away. However if the other kid isn’t letting him go or won’t let go of him then what are you expecting him to do? Would you even know that’s happened if your first reaction is to remove him and make it all his fault?

If another child wouldn’t let go of my child after my kid l asked nicely then no way would I punish them for retaliating -
I’m not going to teach my child it’s ok to allow others to physically handle them. I always hear my kids side of the story before I decide to remove them or not otherwise it’s not fair and you’re not making them feel seen and heard.

This thread is old.
Leave the OP alone. He had has multiple warnings about biting. She did the right thing.