Toddler and newborn

[Mammabear12345]

Advice please! I've got a 2 year old and newborn. The 2 year old will poke the newborn and has already hurt him physically on a few occasions, even when I have been right there. How do I keep the newborn safe from the toddler? How can I teach my toddler to be gentle? How long til it will be safe for them to be in the same room together? Interested to hear any other experiences.

hi @Mammabear12345, i have the same question actually, I'm due this October with my second child and my daughter is turning 2 also. Last week she bit her playmate and she is jealous whenever I carry other baby. I've been training her with a doll, she gives her milk but when I carry her doll, she will snatch it from me. So I'm afraid that she will unintentionally hurt her brother.

Been there! My first was 20 months when my second was born and though she's never deliberately hurt her, let's just say that gentle didn't come naturally!

You have to be really strict whenever the older one hurts the baby. Immediately say sharply "No! That's not gentle." and if the toddler goes to do it again, remove them from the situation. Otherwise though, make a fuss of the toddler as much as possible. Model appropriate ways for the toddler to interact with the baby, e.g. with gentle patting, and call the toddler's attention to it. Absolutely heap on the praise when they do anything nice to or for the baby, no matter how small or grudgingly done. I found it helped to "tell off" the baby to, when they were "naughty". So saying loudly, "No, DD2, we don't pull hair." if baby's hands got caught in my hair or something like that. The baby was none the wiser and that way the toddler didn't feel she was the only one getting told off.

The important thing is making sure the toddler gets one on one time with you too, ideally on a predictable schedule. So maybe every night after dinner (or whatever) baby goes to their dad for half an hour and toddler gets your undivided attention.

For when you can leave them alone together, I'm not sure. Baby I'd now ten months and I still don't for more than a few seconds. I completely trust DD1 not to deliberately hurt her sister, but she's a clumsy, overenthusiastic toddler and an accident would be all too easy.

Thank you @CoalCraft, this is really what i need right now ❤️ they said toddlers are just acting up according to their age but of course we still need to be extra careful with the other baby.

I've just posted the exact same question. Wasn't expecting it to be that hard, my cute little baby has apparently transformed into an enormous toddler overnight...

We have a much smaller age gap here. Most of the roughness isn’t deliberate it’s just one very over enthusiastic baby with a much smaller baby.
I try very hard to ensure that all interactions with baby don’t become negative. I don’t want him to associate the baby with him being in trouble. If his is being too rough I remove his hand and then say gentle and then show him how to be gentle. He gets praise for being gentle and talking to him and smiling at him. Once baby was old enough to smile at toddler it was a great turning point as toddler gets more out of interacting with him. If toddler is sick or tired, teething etc he has less tolerance for me holding the baby and looks for baby to be pushed away from me. Sometimes the toddler just needs me more so then he needs to get that interaction and baby has to be put into bouncer or crib for me to give undivided attention to toddler.

Crucially toddlers routine was kept as much as possible and I make time for one on one with him as much as I can. The novelty has worn off the baby a bit now as I can now let him on to floor for a small bit under my supervision and toddler will just ignore him if he is busy.

I usually take toddler in with me when going to loo when I am alone with them both at home as he loves the baby, but his love can be suffocating.

I’m a little way down the road, my baby is 11 months and my toddler nearly 3.
These days they’re probably equally dangerous to each other but I can leave them alone for a minute or two (eg to pop to the loo) if they’re both occupied.

Toddler has only deliberately hurt baby a handful of times (usually out of jealousy/ for attention. The more attention she has the safer baby is) but I still probably say “gentle!” 100 times a day!

In the early days I made sure to praise every positive interaction with the baby and like a PP would “tell off” baby or tell them they had to wait because it was toddlers turn (all for toddlers benefit). I still make a point of telling toddler she is baby’s favourite and he loves her

Is there any ways to make them interact that worked better for you when your little one was a newborn?
We are have tried to get the eldest to give gentle strokes for a few minutes at a times, but I'm worried about this now as last time he grabbed her arm and refused to let go.

A few minutes is probably too long for the toddler to restrain themselves. Babies are boring!

I used to do things like “Do you want to say hello to baby? Aww baby likes it when you’re gentle. Right, let’s do (toddler game)” and then basically let toddler ignore the little one

get toddler to “help” with baby by fetching nappies etc if they were in the right mood. That way they’re involved but not actually touching baby

Once baby was big enough for giggles encourage toddler to do peekaboo, sing nursery rhymes etc

@SamanthaVimes thanks that's a really good idea to get him involved!

My toddler is 2y3m and my baby is almost 3m, both boys - I researched how to introduce them and how to foster a good relationship between them and while my toddler seems to love the baby and is always talking about him / introducing him to literally anyone we walk past at the park etc, he hits/bites/kicks the baby every single day.

He can be gentle with him for 30 seconds or so (kissing and stroking and tickling the baby), then he lashes out, and when we try to redirect the toddler to another activity and take the baby away before the toddler lashes out, he grabs onto baby's face/head/arms and squeezes him really hard.

He's done this consistently for 12 weeks now and I'm getting worried that things aren't improving. Even more worried after reading this post and seeing that everyone else's toddlers seem to only be hurting the baby by accident or on a rare occasion! We've tried everything mentioned above plus teaching the toddler about different emotions and how to handle those appropriately, and he seems to understand them but just can't action them when I assume his jealousy towards the baby just overcomes him, which causes him to lash out.

My toddler was not at all aggressive before baby arrived, he had never hit, bit, pushed or kicked another child, he is a very sweet, thoughtful and affectionate little boy, so this behaviour towards our new baby was a huge shock. The toddler would cuddle my bump everyday when I was pregnant, asked to "see baby" constantly and liked to fall asleep lying on my pregnant belly. I don't understand how we're now in a place where I can't enjoy the days I have both kids on my own at all because I'm anxious about their interactions!

It would be great to know how things turned out when their kids grew up if anyone has had a similar experience to this!

OP I've been reading the book Peaceful Parents Happy Siblings and it's great, all makes sense on paper - I just haven't seen the results yet. Hoping it will help my toddler get there eventually though,

It's exactly the same behaviour as our eldest now although it is getting a bit easier now that the novelty has passed a bit (baby is 7 weeks). We have found some ways to manage it a bit, not sure if it could help (obviously each child is different!)

For us there are a few triggers we have identified now:

1. he lashes out more when he is tired and wants attention. Usually he would hit her or me, or try to take her blanket for instance. It's not really "jealousy", he doesn't seem to care than baby is with us the rest of the time, but he gets upset because he wants a cuddle and we can't because our arms are already taken. We generally manage to redirect, or we put baby down (or swap arms with my partner) and give toddler what he wants. My view is that I have to share my time between the two, so sometimes baby has to wait too so toddler can get a cuddle.

2. when he grabs her or her clothes it's because he wants to give her a cuddle or play with her. It took us a while to understand that one!
   We are trying to manage it by giving him as many opportunities to interact with her as possible when he is calm: we lift him when wants to look at her in her cot, we encourage him to give her a quick pat on her head multiple times a day for a few seconds (then redirect with a toy), we sit next to him with baby to read a book, we ask him to watch over her when they are both in the pushchair... We do have some success with this as we can see he feels connected to his sister and it's much easier to redirect him. As soon as we try to keep him away, he will get upset and lash out.

@Mammabear12345, et al.......
I'm going to qualify this by saying I had my daughter when my son was nearly 3, and at times I was an absolute mess with tiredness and despair.
So I'm making it clear I didn't become anywhere near being an expert, but nobody died!
My son, who had been a quiet, mild-mannered, kind and funny little boy, was extremely jealous, as I had anticipated. I had told him we were getting a new baby, but that did not prepare him for the reality.
I had enrolled him in playgroup at 2 years 8 months old in the September before my daughter was due in the December, so by the time she was born he was used to going, and didn't feel usurped.
He did try to throw her out of the Moses basket on the floor, and tried to push her away when I was feeding her on the sofa.
I let him have some milk from the boob that was not in use - he only tried it a few times then lost interest.
For a while, when I needed to go, for example, to the loo, I took them both with me if they were both awake, so we had family outing to the toilet! I just didn't want to risk leaving them alone together.
And when my daughter was asleep during the day, I spent the time with my son who had me all to himself for while.
And hubby and I shared caring for each child when he was home from work.
It was totally exhuasting and you look back and wonder how you got through it.
But you do, and for us, the jealousy didn't last long, and they became best mates eventually, honestly!

@Mammabear12345 how are things between your baby and toddler now? I'm still struggling with my toddler (now 2y7m) and my baby (now 6m), so interested to hear if you've found a solution that works!

My toddler can be gentle with the baby for longer period of time now, but still lashes out with a slap, bite or grab on a daily basis, particularly towards the end of the day when he's most tired. It's getting harder to keep them separate too as the baby is sitting up now and belly crawling and wants to be down on the floor exploring all the time!

Any advice welcome!!

@kombuchabucha hi dear, my daughter is now 2.2y.o now and my newborn is already a month old, indeed how time flies. But yeah, about my last post i am so worried about the two. My daughter is most of the time ignoring her brother which i thought she will unintentionally hurt. When my newborn cries sometimes my daughter will copy him jokingly. She sometimes touches her brother gently, but when she's tired and wants to cuddle and i'm holding her brother she gets irritated. i'll update you once my newborn started to crawl and let's see how my toddler will react.

I hope our kids will soon get along with their sibs.