3 kids, one frozen embryo, what would you do?

[ChilliHealer]

I'm not sure where the best place is for this one.

Dh and I have three kids, two of whom were conceived via ivf. We did one cycle of ivf and ended up with a handful of frozen embryos, which led to our two youngest kids and one "leftover" embryo still in storage.

My dh is a firm no to having more kids. I get it, life is really busy. I'm not getting any younger either, so while I would love another baby I'm not sure my body could hack it.

It's hard bc I never went into the ivf journey expecting to have leftover embryos. I know they're not lives, but I do see them as little potential lives, given they're fertilised and developed for 5 days before being frozen. I also know what lovely little people their siblings have become.

Our options are to transfer it (try for a pregnancy), destroy it, or to donate to a couple. No option to donate to science where i am.

What would you do? If we donated, and the pregnancy was successful, they would be a full biological sibling of our kids (and our full biological offspring)- what would the impact be if they ever looked us up and see what they could have been part of? Would it lead to a feeling of abandonment?

I know it's all hypothetical. But it's an ethical dilemma that i feel like I'm stuck with.

Would love to hear your thoughts or experiences.

Thanks

If it were me and I couldn't donate to science I would destroy it as your DH doesn't want another.

I'm somewhat in the same boat but very far behind you. We had 23 embryos from one cycle. 2 were discarded for abnormalities and the next 4 have been used but have no had a successful outcome yet. If the first two had worked (I want two children) we'd be trying to decide what to do with 19 embryos.

Embryo donation is beautiful but I couldn't live with having a full sibling to my child out there so personally for me it's not the right choice.

What does your DH want to do?

I think he wants to in theory destroy it but we haven't made the final decision yet.

Thanks so much for your reply @Rtmhwales that's a lot of embryos! I sometimes wonder if there is an ethical issue of producing so many embryos when no one would realistically have that many children. Obviously not having a go at you, I had so many too, which seemed to be the objective at the time but on this end of it it makes it hard.

I also wonder whether it's the fact that it's just one left that I'm struggling. If there were 5 left it would be an easier decision maybe.

I have 2 frozen embryos left after having twins but my marriage broke down so I definitely can't use them now (I would have tried for one more child) - although part of me still hopes my ex dies so I can use them! 😂

At the moment I'm continuing to pay storage as I can't bring myself to destroy them - I had many losses before the twins and ended up needing 5 rounds of IVF - I fought so hard for these embryos

I think what's making my decision harder is that I actually chose the embryos which became my twins - the clinic wanted to transfer the other 2 first (top quality) but I just had this feeling about the 2 low quality ones so insisted on those - and it worked

I look at them and I can't help but think what the 2 left frozen might be like

In the end I may request a compassionate transfer if my clinic does do them

I don't agree in embryo donation x

What a hard situation for you. Bless you, personally I'd go for it, obviously it might not work but id feel settled knowing I'd tried regardless. But I get that's just me and most people probably won't agree.

We're in the same position. I'm firmly in the "no more" camp as we had a horrific experience with DS2, who was born very early and had a 3 month stint in NICU. The idea of rolling the dice again when we've been so incredibly lucky with how well DS2 is doing, never mind our various mental states in the wake of it, is insane to me. We also had a failed transfer, and I think that helps actually. DP is a definite no on paper, but is struggling far more with the idea of it in reality.

In this situation I would like to donate it, but I would want to check first what info I would be given as I would want to know if it led to a live birth, and to have a tiny bit of basic updates occasionally. Speculating wildly about whether or not there was a baby or toddler out there who was genetically sibling to my kids would be hard if there was no info at all, though I wouldn't expect there to be any kind of relationship or for there to be any intrusiveness into the other family's private life

Oh thats hard. I don’t think I’d donate them. I know another couple would love that baby and it would be a life changing gift, but is it best for the baby? I agree it might be very weird for them, and it’s hard to know how these things will work out. And for me I couldn’t imagine one of our children growing up without any of us- I’d feel more like I’d abandoned a baby than like I’d given someone a gift.

what would the impact be if they ever looked us up and see what they could have been part of? Would it lead to a feeling of abandonment?

The alternative is that they wouldn't have been born so I think it is different to say adoption. They were made because you wanted children and then donated to someone else who wanted children. With adoption most people are happily adopted and others are not adopted but wish they had been. They might have a lovely life too. I think though it needs to be something that you both agree to and if you hear that a child was born, to also inform your children as part of their family history so if the child ever contacted you it wouldn't be a shock. Having said that I don't think you would be wrong to not donate either.