Reward Chart and Nursery

[curlymam]

DS (just turned 3) has been going to nursery for a year. It took him a long time to settle in, but after a few months we managed to get him from crying all morning to just a few tears at drop off but then calming down and playing happily.
For the past few weeks he has been inconsolable at drop off and then not really being happy until I've come to pick him up. He has had a bit going on, I'm 31 weeks pregnant, his dad was working away for a little while and he's not been sleeping in the heat. But I'm getting worried as he seems to be getting worse and this is before the baby has even arrived.
I was wondering about introducing a reward chart/treat system linked to nursery, but just wanted to get some opinions about whether it's a good idea to effectively bribe him to go? He absolutely loves working towards a reward, and we have noticed that on the odd occasion we've said we'll go for an ice cream or whatever after nursery he's gone in a little happier.

Just to add, I have asked him why he's crying just in case something's happened, but he mainly just says things like he misses mummy and daddy and wants us to come back. I don't really want to pull him out if I can help it because I'm scared how he's going to cope going to school if he can't be away from us 3 mornings a week.

Aw sweet boy. I personally wouldn’t do the reward chart but you know your son best and my son is younger. Mine (23mo) has been going 3 days since he was 11 months and normally doesn’t even say goodbye, just runs straight in so I can’t say I have the same experience as you. However I am 40+2 pregnant (this baby can’t come soon enough) and DS has become more attached to his belongings, especially a favourite toy in the last couple of months. He’s gone from only having it at night time to having it at naps, when he’s upset, during the day just to “have around” and this morning he tried to take it to nursery. I’m certain it’s because he knows the baby is coming and things will change. We’re just reassuring him and I’m doing as much as I can (which isn’t much these days to be fair) to keep things normal. Sorry if this isn’t helpful.

@PurBal thank you, it's hard because as you say he keeps asking me to do things with him and most of the time I have to say no 🙁

We had similar with my DD and what worked for us was nursery doing an activity as soon as she arrived that she got a sticker for but it wasn’t dependent on her going in nicely etc but it worked as a distraction and then some positive reinforcement through the sticker. From memory it was something to do with signing in or putting her name on the board.

Also for a couple of weeks after my second baby was born she was crying going in but then started going in happily; maybe because it was more fun than being at home with a small baby?!

Haha that's what we're hoping, that once she's actually here he'll think nursery is the best place to be!

I would say avoid sticker charts where possible, as you can get yourself into a hole where everything has a price!
I think it's easy to get into the thinking that if they're like this now they'll be the same going to school and etc etc, but ultimately if you can take away your worries out of it they will feel more relaxed and be able to pick it up more quickly.
You can't sticker chart inconvenient feelings away forever so if you can find away to accept both your and your child's feelings it will probably feel better all round.
Easier said than done especially when you're in the thick of it! But good luck.

Also you mention about having to say no, which feels bad to both you and your child.
A trick I've found with "no" is to avoid saying no if they want something, but if the answer is no find a way to make it yes with caveat. Eg yes let's do it tomorrow or yes that would be nice, or yes let's put it on the list for options to do on the weekend etc etc.
Just to take away that no/rejection feeling and also feel like you're working together to find a solution for both of you.

EYFS practitioner here. A few observations

• he previously went in happily, so the transition obviously worked well and, as you say, he just misses you.
• it’s really normal for children to worry about their status/identity when a baby comes along. Even simple language like “you’re a big boy now” implies that they are no longer your baby, and the new baby arriving imminently will enhance that. Therefore he will start to display behaviours that confirm to him that he is still your baby. It’s a really tricky one to crack, and often just needs time (and cuddles!)
• could you work with nursery on a social story with pictures? When he is it at home you can go through it with him and talk about different things from nursery

We don’t generally allow parents in at my setting, but in this situation would encourage you to come in and look at the activities with your child, and encourage him to do one “for” you eg “oh wow, painting! Could you do a picture for me? What do you want to paint? I can’t wait to see it when I pick you up!” Then make a big fuss/put it on the fridge/whatever. This is setting dependent, but could be adapted even if you can’t go in. Ask the staff if he can make something to bring home so that you can make a fuss of it when you pick him up, and you can share it together at home.

It’s also really normal for them to have an “anti-mummy” phase when a new sibling arrives, and for them to demand a different parent/adult to collect them. It’s really tough for you but it doesn’t last!

I wouldn't because think what you're bribing him to do....not show that he's upset/hide his feelings and that's never a good thing to teach a small boy! He won't be any less upset/miss you any less he'll just not express it for fear of not getting his treat.

As hard as it is, you just need to push through. By all means tell him what nice thing you're going to do when you pick him up, but don't make it dependent on him not showing his emotions. Often making plans for afterwards can help because it reaffirms to them that you're definitely coming back.

Thanks everyone. I definitely don't want him to think he can't express his feelings. This idea has partly come about because his key worker seems to think that sometimes he might be putting it on, almost like it's become a routine to him that he has to be upset at nursery. When I talk to him at home I tell him it's okay to be sad and to miss mummy and daddy and to cry, but maybe just cry a little bit and then when he feels better he can go and play. But sometimes he'll say "no I don't want to cry a little bit, I want to cry too much", almost like he's planning on it?

Please don't think he's putting it on, or planning on it, he's learning to understand (and predict) his feelings.

I get that it's very inconvenient and uncomfortable for you, but it's even more so when he's got all this powerful stuff going on in his body around the separation, and to make matters worse it seems that the powerful stuff is having a ripple effect onto the person he relies on most, when you start having a strong reaction that reinforces that it's something uncontrollable.

Reassure him it's ok to cry a lot if he needs to and you'll be back later, you could tell him you'll be back after nap time and you know it's hard to be apart. Try have a consistent way of leaving as well, if he's able then you can ask him to count down from 5 and you'll go, then at least he feels in control. Sometimes works well with my 3 year old.

Good luck