Do I force him to look after our children?

[Sarahloo88]

I’m really hoping someone has some advice or experience they can share. I have a DS 4 and a DS 1.
My ex and I split last year and up until
now there’s not been much established in terms of routine and childcare arrangements. I have tried to set up an arrangement with him but he’s very resistant. He loves his children but he’s a lazy father and I feel like I need to force him to see them.

A few weeks ago he finally agreed to have them every Friday evening for tea then every other Saturday overnight (pick up at 3pm, drop of 10:30am Sunday). I’ve asked him will he also have them for 2 hours on a Wednesday evening. Can anyone tell me if this is reasonable or am I expecting too much? I’m not sure what to think. He was really annoyed that I asked him to do this and has basically said no. He is in a new relationship and Wednesday is one of his only nights to see his new partner. I feel really upset as it already seems he is picking his new partner over his children. He has another child much older who he has overnight twice a week and takes to school 3 times a week.

TIA for any advice

Legally speaking... NO.
You can't force him to have the children. Even if you were to take him to court and agree a schedule annoyingly this is times when you as the resident parent needs to make the children available to see their non resident parent, rather than putting any obligation on the non resident parent to actually pick then up and have them during this time. He could choose to do so one week and not the next and you have no comeback.

Realistically he is balancing by the sounds of it and what you want (presumably the 2hrs on a Wednesday is because you want to do something) is not a priority for him.

Given their ages it would be better for them particualry the little one to see him more often ... but ... is the older child of an age where combining the kids would be hard fir him?

It's very unfair and annoying, but no, you can't enforce this.

Even if you went to court he cannot be legally forced to have them if he chooses not to.

You're not asking too much, but you can't expect that he will automatically be available on a Wednesday. Is there a reason it has to be that day?

I think a night EOW and two evenings a week is quite a lot given they’re so young (especially the 1YO). Plus 3/4 of his “weekend” evenings are already gone.

Would combining care of both children be any harder for him rather than her?

A Wednesday evening purely for me to start counselling….ironically to get over the emotionally abusive relationship

Unfortunately the law gives fathers equal rights without equal responsibilities.

Not a chance, there are no rules or mechanisms of law that could force him to have more contact than he wishes. Same applies to you, but obviously, it is the parent that actually cares about the children the one that doesn’t drop the ball.

Personally, although I found it very difficult to take care of my child 24/7 the benefits were huge: I realised I was more tired of nagging him to help than from caring for my child, I could organise my time better and my child was more settled and happy not being let down by his dad on every other weekend. Obviously, all women would have loved it for their exes to be more involved responsible parents if they are not, but at the end of the day, that’s why most divorced to start with.

The new woman is a red herring, I am sure that if she wasn’t around it would be the lads night out, working long hours, fake family commitments or any hobby he may have.

Would it be possible for you to do that on a different night, Tuesday or Thursday?

Compromise might be the way forward.

But tbh if he was emotionally abusive I wouldn't be keen for him to have them more. Do you have other support?

To make it clear, I’ve asked him to do 3-5 on a Wednesday. Not really evening but still.

He combines childcare with his other son on the Friday but he doesn’t do it at other times as he finds it too much.

I agree, I don’t know how to balance it. My biggest fear is they turn out like him but at the same time I can’t stop all contact either (although I don’t think he’d fight it if I did).

I suggested a Wednesday because he refused a Tuesday and works Mondays and Thursdays.