3 year old refusing to get in bed

[Llc98]

My 3 & a half year old will not go to sleep in her own bed whatsoever! She goes through phases of not wanting to and then she’s fine again, but this time she just won’t give up. We read her a story and say good night, then sit outside her door, like always. She gets up every minute or so and comes outside saying she doesn’t want to go to bed. We’ve tried changing her bed time, switching her routine, staying calm, ignoring her when putting her back to bed etc. Nothing has changed for her to be like this, so I just don’t understand why. It’s so difficult, especially trying to stay calm when it’s every single night and so infuriating! Any advice would be much appreciate, as I’m giving up at this point!!

Forgot to add - she progressively gets more and more upset each time we put her back down, even when we’re calm and saying goodnight every time. I’m just unsure what makes her so upset?

We went through this a while ago when our DD was 2ish.

We tackled it by drawing our evening routine together on a big piece of paper, step by step. E.g. number 1. Put on pyjamas, number 2. Brush teeth etc and draw a picture of each step and talk about it as you go. Then the last step would be something like, ‘then mummy will say night night, leave your room and shut the door and you will go to sleep.’ And we would use this drawing daily during our nighttime routine e.g ‘we’ve done the first step, now the second step is brushing your teeth.’ This helped prepare DD that we would be leaving the room.

The next thing we did was to put a stairgate on her bedroom door. Then when she opened her door, we would calmly open the gate, pick her up and put her to bed saying the same phrase every time e.g ‘it’s time to go to bed’. We’d say nothing else and make sure we didn’t engage to keep the interaction as boring and consistent as possible. Eventually she got the point.

I’ve also seen a tip somewhere that suggested acting out this interaction prior to bedtime. You would explain what will happen if she leaves her bed and then role play it, and you can also switch roles so that you pretend to be your daughter getting out of bed and she pretends to be the parent taking you back to bed which gives her some sense of control. we never tried this but perhaps that’s an idea.

good luck!

Does she need a bit more reassurance ie would telling her you'll stay with her and hold her hand / sing her a song help her get settled in the short term?

Depends if you want the carrot or the stick?

When DSD was this age we had exactly the same thing In waves.

We bought her a star night light projector and had classical music playing so it wasn't too dark or quiet. Then BRIBED HER.

It started as if you stay in bed tonight and don't get up, you can have coco pops for breakfast / magazine / ice cream / movie night after preschool - always something the next day and to start with something in the morning. We checked on her every minute or two she was asleep within 15 minutes. Big deal the next morning about her earning her treat.

Then we got a sticker chart for big treats (Legoland / out for breakfast /zoo)

Then on her birthday we discussed how she was a big and well behaved girl now and starting school and big well behaved girls stay in bed.

She had a wobble and we did the reverse, "if you don't stay in bed you won't be going to the XYZ tomorrow as I will think you're too tired.

In our house it was worth the investment of a few ice creams / packets of popcorn to get a couple hours back each evening!

Sitting outside the door is a bit weird and potentially confusing for her if she knows you are there. It’s too tempting for her to get up knowing you are right there, but not within sight/touch. Id either stay with her in her room until she falls asleep or id properly leave her to it but pop back every couple of minutes for reassurance. We stay with similar aged DS because it’s what he needs after a long week in pre school and he’s asleep within 15 minutes with one of us there. If we try and leave it massively draws the process out, but you might have more luck.

Thank you so much for your advice everyone! I didn’t realise anyone had replied as I got no email notifs!!!

My son turns 3 in 4 months time. My partner and I made a promise we would get rid of night time dummy by Christmas. By this point he was only using a dummy for night time as weaning him off during the day was done weeks before. We are on night 4 of no dummy and he refuses to go to bed, prolongs story time, doesn’t physical want to sit in his room for story time and repeats no bed time over and over. I say to him it’s bed time, turn the lights off and rock him for 2-5 mins for reassurance and then place him in his cot. I am very lucky his doesn’t attempt to get out of his cot yet but what follows is 15 mins of shouting mummy and I will go to him only once, he does then settle - so far. However He will wake at least twice in the night with last night being from 4.30am - 6.15am. Is this typical, does it improve?? I go on holiday abroad in 3 weeks and I’m worried being in an unfamiliar setting and a travel cot will be a step too far.